It’s two weeks from today. Flights are 9 days out. And it would really be nice for me to be back where I mentally and emotionally was regarding SRS when I was in Vegas a few weeks back. Since then I’ve been struggling to make it through the day. I’ve taken great delight in being at work as it’s time where I usually have things going on and I can’t worry about or think about SRS.
I’m scared. I’m worried. I wake up in the middle of the night to pee (screw your bladder hate Spiro) and think, “shit… this is one of my last times peeing standing up… in a few weeks I won’t be able to do this anymore…” And that kicks off a bunch of emotions and feelings about SRS. Questions. Concerns. Fears. Will I wake up happier? Will I wake up with regret? Will I be happy in 6 months, a year, 5 years, or 20 years from now with things? None of these questions are knowable, which is the worst part.
A few nights ago I woke up in the middle of the night with every single fiber of my being screaming to stop, and cancel/reschedule. I’ve not felt that much existential terror regarding doing something before. I woke up a second time a few hours later with that feeling persisting. Thankfully when I woke up it was gone, but the introspection surrounding the meaning of those two points have stayed with me. Does that mean I shouldn’t go through with SRS? Is that the truly “right” thing for me? What happens if I regret doing this and then remember that night (or any of the other fears)? Now I’ll just blame myself and beat myself up for the next few years, or the rest of my life more likely.
I don’t expect this to end before SRS. Knowing myself I expect to have these fears and concerns and worries right up until I’m counting down from ten the day of surgery. That leaves me with two options. First is to continue to analyze and think about this stuff which means it’ll consume me and stress me out immensely. Second is to bury it, not think about it, and just trust in the journey here and those closest to me who have been around through the past 2 years where they are in concordance that I’m unlikely to regret this and likely to be extremely happy about it. So… suppression it is. And hope that’s the right call…