The other night I was talking with one of my gfs about the fears and concerns I had around SRS. She and I have talked extensively about it. She has been the best person I’ve found to help me through this stuff. My therapist has been good in many ways, but she hasn’t been there the same way this gf has. My other gf has been helpful and supportive and likewise been a great partner through this, just not in the same way as the one the other night (she’s been more helpful in other ways… the two combined have been pretty much perfect for me through transitioning).
Anyways, her and I are talking about these fears the same as we’ve talked about them for the past month. It’s really nothing new. Until it was. At one point during the conversation she asked me to, “remove all the other crap and think do you want a pussy or penis?” I still can’t answer that question without caveats, or thinking of the reality of both. I can’t answer that question in the way she was asking. I responded by saying, “well I’ll put it this way, if I were alone on Mars I’d prefer a pussy most likely… even though both are kind of irrelevant in that situation.” From there I brought it back to relevance by saying, “But sure if I could’ve been born with a pussy, I would’ve preferred that. However I can’t remove the emotional and mental associations with either of those. They are intrinsically tied to which I’d prefer.”
From there I gradually came to recognize that post-SRS nobody new I met would know I was trans, unless they were told (by me or others). That means that for situations like dating for example I have to remind myself I’m trans to disclose that to a partner. Likewise I can’t entirely voice my opinions on trans rights, or joke about trans things, or any of a multitude of aspects around being trans unless I want to continue to be tied to this whole trans thing. Right now I have no issues with that because everybody basically already knows. When dating I have to disclose things because of my anatomy, regardless of anything else. But post SRS I can begin to forget that there was a “before female” part of my life.
But if I do that it means I’d have to distance myself from, or more likely cut out entirely, friends and family that I’ve had and known for decades. These are good people. These are people I like being around. These are people who have been there for me in countless ways. And now I’m going, “well thanks for all you’ve done, it means a lot… oh and have a good life!” That’s not right either. And that makes me tied to my male anatomy in a strange way, it’s not because I want a penis. It’s because I’ve had a lot of enjoyable parts of life with it there. And it ties me to my past with these people.
So the question really gets distilled down to, “do I want a penis and keep a tie to the person I was, or want a vagina and start over?” I get that many people will take issue with that perspective, but it’s the essence of the question for me. If I have a vagina, I don’t want people to know there was a time I didn’t. And I can’t trust people to not “out” me on accident which means I have to keep track of who knows and who doesn’t to make sure those who don’t know aren’t interacting with those who do. And, honestly I think the vagina and start over path is what I want. I just need to find a way to make that work without having to cut everybody in my current life out. Because I want many of them around. And I want to be female, not trans female (at least for the foreseeable future).