Post op, but not post trans – Dating as a trans woman

So, as of late my personal life has kind of gone to hell. I lost people I saw as family. One of them was somebody I loved more than others before. I lost two roommates which changes my financial outlook. And I’m still recovering from SRS. It’s been a rough past 6 months. It really has been. But, that’s life. And I’ve gotten through it. I’m now at a point where I feel I can start going out and dating again though, at least casually as I’m not over that poly group ending and don’t expect to be over that for a while to come still. But, I won’t sit around at home feeling sorry for myself about it. So, dating it is (along with other things like returning to exercising regularly and cooking more and getting my house to a place I could sell in the spring if I wanted). But… Now we’re back to one of my first posts:

To stealth or not?

In that post I talk a bit about what my thoughts were around post-op dating life. And unsurprisingly some of it is accurate. Mainly that at this point (4.5 months post) I can get away without disclosing I’m trans if I were to choose to do so to a large extent. Right now about the only stuff that “outs” me is facial hair since electrolysis isn’t completed (hey girls… if you’re going to transition… start electrolysis yesterday… better yet, last year), sometimes my voice is still deeper (i.e. I don’t think about it or care in the situation), and my vagina still is healing. Although there, in the dark, there is no way to tell. I only know because of what I’m looking for and as long as somebody doesn’t go down to inspect they wouldn’t be able to tell. There are scar lines and things are a bit swollen still, but now it basically falls within the neo-natal vaginal spectrum on a looks perspective. And I’ve gone on dates in the past month where after I told her I was told she didn’t know for sure, but suspected due to my hand size. Which in post-puberty transitioning mtf girls can be larger than cis-women (although certainly not a sure-fire way to “know”).

So I don’t have to disclose I’m trans. But if I don’t, as discussed in that post, I’d have to cut out a lot of my current life. And I don’t want to do that right now. So, that means I’ll need to disclose at some point during the dating process. So when do I disclose it? Up front is great and all, but the down side is then you have to deal with shit from people harassing you. Or, further, is the professional concern once I leave the job I transitioned at. Okay, not in my profile, but should I before the first date? Well if I do that then a bunch of people will duck out and bail, which I’m okay with but then that just points back to disclosing in my profile because it would weed them out from the start. And, if I don’t see any potential with them then why did they need to know? Doing this means I then go to the first date without disclosing. Which date do I disclose on then? Well if I’m going to disclose it needs to be before sex. So somewhere between the first and 3rd-4th most likely. I thought this was a solid strategy. Until today.

I’ve been talking to a guy for the past 3-4 days off and on. I didn’t say anything about being trans. He starts talking about getting together, and since I met him off Fetlife (kink community site) sex was on the table for the first time we got together potentially. Because of this I disclosed to him earlier today. He responds saying I should’ve been up front about it, to which I respond saying I felt I was being up front (keep in mind we’ve only talked 4 days intermittently). He said he feels I deceived him and that ends that. So now I’m back to where I started? Am I wrong with waiting to disclose? Should I disclose up front on some sites but not others? Should I just never say a word (especially if it’s likely just going to be a sex thing)? I just don’t know at this point. I think the current course of action is going to be keep the status quo and deal with shit like this when it happens. Then in ~6 months I can re-evaluate things as I’ll be further along on electrolysis so I won’t have morning stubble, and Suporn’s excellent work will be healed to the point it’s basically akin to a cis-vagina to just about anybody.

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