A month or two back I started applying for a new job. My current one has kind of hit a dead end professionally speaking, I’ve stayed ~6 months after their generous ability to “work remotely” from Thailand for a month for SRS, and feel that I can now move on without burning professional bridges. Additionally, I’m now healed to the point I’m back to 100%. I can go 3 days without dilating if I need to, although try to do it daily since I know once I drop off daily it’ll never come back. Relationships crashed around me last fall in a spectacular way and I’m still trying to rebuild a social infrastructure that was lost when that ended. Unfortunately, no matter how much I want and wish I could restart a relationship with partners from that group, she’s seemingly moved on and I don’t think a possibility of me being a part of her world exists anymore. Maybe I’m wrong and that does exist and one day our paths cross again, but I can’t keep waiting for that day that may never happen. I miss the three of them immensely and loved them all. So with my job being now professionally at a dead end (and remaining that way likely for the rest of the year at best), SRS is basically recovered from, and only a handful of really close relationships at present… now is a good time to move if I’m going to. If I found relationships here again, or got a new job here, or whatever then who knows how long I’ll remain in this area. I started applying and ended up with two positions that I was interested in. One didn’t work out. This is the other position.
Phone interviews went really well. Everything aligned there, rough salary numbers were close enough to talk further, etc. So they offered to fly me to their office in the Pacific Northwest for the last interview stages in person. I was totally on board and a week or so later was flying out there. Unfortunately due to some issues with connecting out of Chicago my original flight the night before wouldn’t workout and resulted in getting up at 330 AM Eastern, to land at 1130 AM Pacific, and go right to 6 hours of interviews.
Walking in presenting female for a senior level technical role in IT for the first time was surprisingly easy and comfortable. It really was amazing how just natural I felt. Here I was in a place where nobody knew I was trans and everybody saw me as a woman. I can’t say I wasn’t worried about “tells” outing me, like my shoulders, voice, makeup/beard stuff since electrolysis is still on-going (and makeup was ~10 hours old when I landed), hand size, or whatever else might “out” me. I absolutely was concerned about all of those things. The thing about it though is… it didn’t matter. I was there to interview for a position they wanted me for. They wouldn’t spend ~$1500 to fly me out if they didn’t want to hire me at that point. Once I got into the interviewing all of that faded away. I ended up with an intent to offer by end of the next business day (note, it was only an “intent” as there was a lot to discuss/clarify about the overall offer itself prior to them getting a written approved). I’m likely going to get a written today or tomorrow and then be deciding if I’m going to take it the same way I figured that out before transitioning. Nothing has changed there.
What has changed, and will change if I take the offer, is that nobody there will know my past. Not a single person there can “remember” the persona I crafted for the public. I’ll be walking into a place where people don’t know that person before. They don’t know I had SRS. They don’t know anything other than the person I always wanted to be and now am able to exist as. That’s powerful. Yes I’d miss so many of the friends and family I have here, but I need to move forward in life. I’ll do what I can to maintain and ensure those relationships don’t get lost, but I need to build up the life of the person I am now. Without the history of my past there. I spent ~20 years in my current area before transitioning. It’s really hard for me to not see things through the lens of the person I was, regardless of myself not being that person. I need that to end. I need a way forward. I need to build new memories solely as the woman I am founded from that foundation.
One thing I do want to talk about though regarding my experiences. As I’ve said before I’m extremely fortunate in that I “pass.” This made it infinitely easier as people see me as a woman, instead of being trans. I have a few thoughts on this. First and foremost, regardless of how it should be currently in our society “passing” makes things easier. But what does that entail? Well, you might be surprised. There are a lot of women who have “masculine” features, so work on finding yourself and being happy with yourself. Whoever that is. With that being said, personally speaking voice is one of the singular most important things for me and has helped people to overlook otherwise “masculine” features. For what it’s worth, I started transitioning just after turning 28. It took about 6-9 months before I was generally “passing” (although my voice wasn’t since I hadn’t worked on it at all). My genetics happened to respond well, but don’t think that you can only successfully transition when you’re younger. Furthermore, I didn’t transition for society. I did it for myself. And I am so glad I did. To those of you reading this blog in the early stages of potentially transitioning, or having started to… it gets better. It’s not an easy process and you have to work at it. Find out how to dress yourself properly to make shoulders look smaller (like I have to do). Work on your voice if that’s important to you. We are all different in our journey on this path, but you have a lot of control over your destination. If “passing” is important to you like it was to me, then you have to work at it repeatedly and brush yourself off when rough patches happen. Figure out what you want though and work relentlessly towards it. I absolutely will say though it’s worth every ounce of fucking effort I’ve put in, and I still work on things daily (like voice). I’m trying to get to the point that I have as much experience as any other younger professional woman, and that means a lot of time practicing. Things will get better and in the mean time try to enjoy the ride. It’s a once in a lifetime experience that is unlike anything else I’ve ever been through. Here’s to moving forward with my own life, and hopefully helping you move forward with yours. Cheers!