Warning: Potential triggers ahead. This post involves me trying to work through some extremely intense emotional, mental, sexual, and physical things that came from a BDSM/Kink event and the intense scenes that happened there. This is the only warning I’m putting up for this post. Also… it is long @ ~4000 words.
I was recently afforded an opportunity to extend an existing trip to meet back up with the guy from the prior BDSM/Kink entry I did a little while back. I’ve stayed in touch with him since then and let him know potential dates I could make work and we found a week/weekend that worked for both of us (along with his partner). I booked the trip, coordinated with them for the travel aspects, and used the time leading up to this to talk with him about potential scenes, teasing him, and all around enjoying the build up to the time together again.
Now that it’s come and gone I need time to process. My first scene and interactions with him were crazy intense. We have a very natural symbiotic ying/yang thing going on and feed off one another’s energy (as the kink world likes to refer to it). It’s crossed between primal, top/bottom, masochist/sadist, and a few other realms with a bunch of sarcasm, levity at times, followed by very physical interactions. He can dish out pain and I take it while provoking him to do more. This isn’t something I’ve found really ever before in quite this way. Going into the weekend I knew I was going to be in for even more than what happened last time, and couldn’t wait.
We talked about things we wanted to do. Him and his partner arranged a house party around it even, where who knew what entirely would happen as we both enjoy going with the flow. I told him some things I wanted to do. Specifically that I needed a really intense scene because it’s been a while. I wanted the shit beaten out of me, to be degraded, and all around get fucked up (and not in the drunken alcoholic way). This might be foreign to many people, especially if you’re not in the kink realm. I used to have issues with light tapping with a paint stick. Now I’m getting my ass beaten until I can hardly walk and begging for more. It’s weird how that’s changed. Information is elsewhere about that stuff though and why it works.
I had left the outfit I had planned to wear to this party at home though, so I had to find another. I went to Victoria’s Secret and found exactly what I wanted. I sent him a text of the bag saying I got him a surprise. This was the first time in my life I’ve bought lingerie to explicitly surprise a guy in that way. While the gender of the partner was part of it, just going into a store randomly to pick up an outfit just because you know they’ll enjoy it is highly recommended. Now post-SRS I can do that. It’s pretty liberating.
Friday his partner picks me up and we hang out for the next few hours until he gets home. Her and I got along very well and she has some similar things she’s wrestled with in her own life that I can kind of relate to from my own, which was awesome to have that in common. He gets home and we picked up right where we left off on the connection side of things. The three of us went out to dinner and had a great time. We walked around downtown after with my hand around his arm along with his partners on his other arm and I just enjoyed it. I was happy being seen as one of “his girls.” There was an element of BDSM feeling here on the dom/sub side, along with an element of romantic side, but even though that stuff might not be there today… it felt that it was.
After getting back we all talked and stuff, but then him and I started playing a bit. He started by making me go down on him on the couch for a while before going up to the bedroom where we had sex. While I still didn’t cum from it, holy fuck. Feeling him inside, looking at him while he fucked me, having him doing things to see my reaction… Yeah, I need to find some more sex like that lol. Afterwords we cuddled and talked about some of the things that might happen the next day, along with just talking and connecting/bonding/etc for a while before going to bed.
Saturday we got up, and all hung out for a few while eating breakfast. But there was a lot of work to do to prep for the party later that evening. We spent the day cleaning and getting things ready for that. There was going to be ~20 or so people that were likely going to show up and I knew that he had planned to beat me heavily, but that was about it. He did allude to the potential of doing a scene with him and others as well, or at least we should talk about what that would look like if it were to be a possibility. Somebody had also brought some edibles which I partook in. I mean #Gingersnaps. Like best cookie ever. About an hour later I was definitely high and feeling some anxiety around things that might happen. From here on it’s kind of a blur and this is the point I start needing to work through what happened…
First he brings his toy bag and hands it to me to take upstairs where he set up a flogging bench. I instigated a little by not taking it up right away as I knew he would’ve expected me to do it right away. I instead was talking to people in just lingerie and was definitely getting a lot of attention thrown my direction. I still don’t get this though (introspection topic 1). People see me as hot. They want me. They see me as a desirable woman. I talked with him today about it because he said similar… And I just don’t get it. To think I could go tell that child that prayed to wake up as a girl that one day they would wake up as exactly that makes me just about speechless. It seems incomprehensible to me. Both women and men. This is the first thing I am trying to wrap my head around chronologically at least. Perhaps not as “heavy” as the rest of the things in here, but it is something that weighs on my mind. As we were going upstairs (yeah, he finally noticed I hadn’t taken the bag up #Brat) I realize like the entire party almost is following. The bedroom this takes place in has probably 15 or so people sitting watching what’s about to happen. Remember that edible that seemed to be making me anxious? Yeah… I was on the verge of a mini panic attack (FYI – this is why you don’t kink and drug/alcohol kids… play sober or get run over by emotions and potentially worse). I knew when eating the edible I shouldn’t as I was playing later but I did. This was irresponsible on my part and could’ve seriously ruined the scene with him as I don’t have a ton of experience with being high from weed (edibles or otherwise).
If you read the first BDSM post, people watched during that scene too. But this was different. This was a legitimate audience complete with tiered seating. I have some issues with my pussy being seen still so I asked him to let me leave the thong on which I did. He laid out various toys on the dresser in front of me and let me choose to veto any of them I needed/wanted to. I told him one was going to be a yellow (i.e. proceed with caution) from the start and to be careful with it. Otherwise he was free to do what he wanted. I got tied to the bench with some rope to hold me still a bit as I can take a lot more when I have something to resist against. Holy fuck did he beat me though. He spent 95% of his time on the waist down. Ass, upper legs, lower legs, soles of the feet, etc. This was really intense physically for me, but it was also emotionally intense. At one point I started breaking down because I thought of my ex, and wished she was there with me through it so I could be with her after (introspection topic 2). It also just fired off super intense emotional feelings around a whole slew of things. It was the most intense when he started on my back, which I wanted more of. I don’t know why but that almost instantly fired off a crying emotional response. Quick note here though, for those unfamiliar with BDSM this is quite common for intense scenes and is not a problem provided all parties know how to handle this kind of stuff.
He was in total control of me and my emotional responses. He crafted this narrative and I told him when I first felt emotions hitting that I might have a breakdown and that’s okay, but he should be aware that it might happen. I tried not to make it super obvious to people watching that it was happening (some of them were newer to kink and even though he gave a disclaimer up front that we’ve talked through things and have experience with this stuff that might seem crazy, don’t be alarmed), but they might’ve seen. My emotions were exposed for all to see. People I had never met before. People who might say something to others in the kink realm and make it harder for me to find scenes in the future with people I want to do stuff with. I didn’t care. I needed to let go that night and he provided a safe space to do it in. The problem was that I was basically trying to ramp things up more and more, until eventually he decided to end it at a point and bring it back down. This was the right call by him and while I could’ve taken more and wanted more, he could tell I was basically just artificially doping my psyche and knows how problematic that can be if unchecked.
After a while of beating my legs with canes, paddles, floggers, and a bunch of other things he undid some of the ties. From here he moved into breath play, i.e. choking. He pulled me to sitting up on my legs, then started restricting the blood flow to the brain. If you ever played the “pass out game” or “choking game” as a kid you know what this is like. The difference is it’s with somebody who is an adult and knows how to do it safely, unlike kids. It’s kind of weird in a way how it works though. You’re awake, but then feel yourself drifting off. Until eventually you just go limp. Then you restore blood flow and you come back pretty quick. However, this amplified the high from the edibles and emotions/physical endorphin release from earlier in the scene. I wanted more of that, but he didn’t oblige (rightfully so).
After this we cuddled. Many people told me how awesome it was to watch and thanked me for letting them see it. I was very out of it. Very much in “subspace”/”headspace”. The best way I can describe it is similar to being high, but you’re also kind of delirious. You’re all over the place. I tried my best to respond and talk to people and all, and only hope I didn’t say/do anything stupid. I tried to just keep to myself but that wasn’t on others agenda as they wanted to talk/socialize/etc. Since I was staying in that house I tried to oblige and help be a decent “host”. It wasn’t a problem them talking to me I just was trying to process my own shit around the emotions and internal stuff that was brought out through that scene, and talking didn’t help facilitate that. We relocated for a few to another room.
Interlude/Scene 2 prep:
He brought up the second scene again and that there was interest in doing a style of degradation scene I’ve wanted to do. I’m opting not to go into specifics here beyond that because of a few reasons, but mainly because I want to keep it close. I generally am very open and will talk about anything. Not this. So I’m going to be a little more vague here than perhaps I otherwise would be.
I told him I was game, but there were caveats to that. First off, I didn’t want to see anybody. I wanted to be blindfolded and put my trust in him to control the scene again and ensure I was good. Soon after this part of negotiation-y stuff, it hit me. The emotions. They hit me like a fucking fully loaded freight train going at airplane speeds. I talked to him about it through my tears. As I write this I’m having a mild break down again. It’s not a bad thing. It’s a happy thing. I spent so much of my life wishing, wanting, fantasizing about, watching others do things like this scene (porn or in real life) and here it was. Somebody who I’d met once before put a lot of time and energy into putting together this scene for me. I had asked partners to do things like this for me, and it was never done. Here somebody is that has no obligation to me, putting something like this together. This was really powerful to me. It’s one of the bigger thing that I’ll be processing for a bit. Like people being interested in me, I just don’t get why somebody would do this for me (introspection topic 3).
Then there was the fact that here I am being able to be the person I dreamed of being. In order for this to have been possible the past ~3 years had to happen. If the things in those three years hadn’t happened, this wouldn’t have been possible. SRS was even needed, even though nobody was touching my pussy through this entire scene. I was seen as a woman by these people. None of them, except the two I was staying with, knew I was trans. I talked to him about this and explained why this might be really hard for me and there was no way for me to know how I’d react/respond in this kind of scene. I have literally never done something like it before, and that this thing I’ve wanted and dreamed about for so many years is happening… I knew it was going to be really hard for me but I had to do it. For myself. I couldn’t let myself say no. He helped me get myself back together and then we moved back into the living room where somebody had brought a blindfold like this one that blocked all light.
He put the mask on, then led me back upstairs to the other bedroom. By the time I took the twenty or so steps to the stairs I was pretty out of it. Sensory deprivation on this level was something totally different than anything I’ve done before. Coupled with the high, the first scene, the emotions from that first scene, the emotions from this one, the breath play, and all the other things going on I got into a really fucked up head space really quick. The world disappeared. I knew I was still in it because I could hear. But I couldn’t see anything. I didn’t know who was where. I could no longer identify voices entirely correct. I lost track of time. Of people. Of who was in the room and who wasn’t. Of where he was. Of where anybody was. Of what was about to come or what to expect. This let me disconnect from reality. My body was being handled by my subconscious. My conscious mind was floating. It was in this black ethereal world. If you’ve ever gone spelunking and they turned off all lights and you sat in silence in a cave tunnel you’ll know how disorienting this is. It’s really rare for humans to have true total darkness and fucks with you when it happens.
I wish I could explain more in depth here but I can’t. I just don’t know how. I don’t know what to say. How to explain it. All I know is this was a scene I’ve wanted, but being in it and reflecting upon it I’m not sure how I feel about it. I certainly don’t regret it. I don’t know what to do with it though. I don’t know if I want to really even put out there I did this scene as while I enjoyed it, I’m not sure I want it really out there at all. I needed to do this for myself, and to experience it now that I finally can (introspection topic 4).
After the main part of the scene I was led back downstairs and the mask taken off. It took me a while to adjust to the lighting. It was overload for a while. Perhaps one of the most interesting things about this part was the need for human touch/connection/something. If I didn’t have somebody touching me or paying attention to my safety/mental state/etc I’d start to get super anxious, afraid of being alone, and kinda going a little unstable. Coupled with the intensity that I had with this guy, I was wanting to follow him around like a lost puppy dog kind of thing. I just wanted to be clingy as shit. I did my best not to be, and he was perfect through it doing what I needed him to do to bring me down softly.
I was out of it the rest of the night. I could tell I was off but was just “floaty”. I wasn’t present. I didn’t know what I was talking about. I’d form circular conversations. In many ways it was similar to how I was on morphine drip post SRS where I just told my ex how much I loved her in different ways every time I woke up (or so it seemed and to the best of my knowledge). I was loopy. I bounced around and couldn’t focus on anything. I told the couple I was staying with I would need them to help me get my stuff together for the trip home. To the point I had asked him if he’d just make sure I got on flights I needed to get on because I wasn’t sure I’d be able to handle it on my own. I fly all the time for work so I’m extremely adept at traveling. These scenes messed with me to the point I wasn’t sure I could function getting home. I managed to not need it and got home just fine.
The entire time though I was wrestling with issues around being post-op and post-transition in many ways, and what that means. I’m not sure anybody there “knew”, and I don’t think it was actually mentioned at all honestly. Does that mean I should ease my rule of having to tell people before playing? Does it mean realistically me saying I’m “trans” is pointless for kink partners? I’m now “there”, in other words that second scene basically means I’m living the life I always wanted as up until recently that could never have happened. I really wish I could elaborate more, but I’m having trouble finding the words to describe these feelings.
Then there is the aspect of the relationship with this guy. He’s got a long term partner, and I’d never want to do anything to jeopardize what they have. I respect them both too much to risk putting my emotions out there potentially causing issues for them or create “drama.” What I did see is a guy I could see a relationship with, and what that could look like. Not with him, but with a guy like him. The “trans” thing doesn’t seem to matter at all for him which is hard to find with men or women. This really digs at a deeper issue that I can’t seem to resolve, one which may or may not be related to being trans.
Specifically, I don’t feel I can find people who want to be with me more than for casual scenes. Nobody wants a romantic relationship with me that I’m aware of. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying “poor me” but instead I’m trying to figure out why that seemingly is the case. I know the people I’m looking for are hard to find. Regardless of gender I want to find a relationship with one or more partners where we want to build something together longer term. I want somebody I can love implicitly, who loves me the same way. I want somebody I can either explore kink/BDSM with, or at minimum supports me exploring it. I want somebody who has goals and works towards them. I want somebody with a career. Somebody who doesn’t care about this trans shit of my past. I’ve found one or two people who fit everything I want, but for whatever reason they didn’t feel the same (or otherwise can’t or choose not to pursue a relationship together).
Where does this leave me? Well, I had an amazing weekend with people I care about as friends at minimum. I got to experience a scene I never thought possible. I got reminded there are amazing people out there who do want to put effort into my happiness and helping me to explore this post-transition life I am lucky enough to experience. It has been hard though emotionally and internally. I wish I could’ve honestly recorded my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and my perspective through that party because so much was going through my head that I can’t even begin to remember everything. This post is perhaps the best record of that night since I couldn’t recorded everything I’d have wanted to. I think it did unlock a new door in post-transition life and moving on.