One year ago… (SRS +1 year)

One year ago I was me. But not the me of today. I had relationships. But not those of today. I got ready for work or dates or just hanging out with friends. But not in the same way I do today. I had sex. But not as I do today. The person I was then could never have imagined the world she lives in today. I am somebody who analyzes. Plans. Evaluates options. Thinks critically about every possible scenario, their outcomes, and how to mitigate the risks or negative potential results from those outcomes. I constantly try to take a critical look at myself to figure out how to improve myself. And in all of that analysis, I could never have imagined the world I exist in today. I will forever be grateful to those who helped me get to, and through, SRS which has allowed me to be who I am today. I don’t think I can ever repay them or show them how thankful I am for their support and help through one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

This is a post of reflection. One where I take stock of where I am today, what I’ve learned, how things have healed, and attempting to encapsulate the past year into a post of cumbersome, and imprecise, words. I’ll start with the easy stuff. I had many fears and anxiety going into SRS. I thought of some ways I’d have done differently in retrospect to help avoid as many as I could. Well, I’ve had a year since then to live and experience life now. I can say now that while I understood why I held those fears, they were not ones that ever manifested themselves thankfully. Not to say they were unwarranted or irrational, because they certainly weren’t. There was no way to know where I’d be today, and I’d be lying if I said otherwise. I still have fears. I still have issues. I still have concerns and things i need to work through, but… this is better. It’s worth everything I went through to be where I am today. To those of you reading this blog thinking about SRS and if it’s right for you… I obviously cannot answer that for you. I can tell you that there are so many things that I worried/stressed about that I no longer do. I don’t have to worry about tucking. I don’t have to worry about what I’m wearing (well outside of “is it cute” lol). I can go swimming, jet skiing, to the beach, etc and not worry about it. An immeasurable weight is gone from my daily life. A close friend recently had SRS herself and is very much in the healing process (I’ll likely post a 3rd party account summarizing her experience as she went to a different doc here in the US), but she has found similar to be true already even though she is very much still in the healing process. What about the rest? Well…


Dilating is pretty easy anymore. I do it once every 3-4 days and still have depth. It takes me about ~30 minutes if I’m taking my time and doing it while reading a book, or about 20 or so if I’m just trying to get it done. If I attempt to masturbate this is tacked on at the end of the process and usually is about 30 minutes. I’ll talk more about that part in the orgasming section though. I still have a shit ton of lube. I ended up buying what I thought would be a 6 month supply. There are 37 tubes remaining out of the original 180 I bought. I use about a 50/50 mix of the QC lube from Thailand and coconut oil. The mixture really is the best of both worlds and approaches silicone levels of longevity/slickness. The oil keeps it from drying out, while the QC gives it a the water lube level of slickness. After 3 months I highly recommend doing this.

The way I do it is I grab about an oz of coconut oil, and just rub it all around my pussy and in between the labia folds. Then I take another oz and put it on the dilator. From there I squeeze a bit of QC on the dilator (another oz roughly), and slide my hand all over it to mix it. Note, I keep my left hand on the flat side of the dilator where there is no lube to keep my left hand un-lubed and usable. I’m right handed FWIW.

From there I’ll insert the medium one and it can sometimes be uncomfortable (as I’m likely pushing how long I should go between sessions) initially, but then eases up. I get to depth in maybe 2-3 minutes. I use the medium for about 5-10 minutes, then switch to the large using the same method to lube the dilator as before. The large one is pretty mild now. It is a little tight at first, but nothing nearly as bad as dilating was initially. I’ll get to depth with this one in another 2-3 minutes, and hold this one for about 10 minutes.

My mornings used to be wake up at 630 to dilate for 90 minutes to then get ready for work and get to the office a little after 9. Now, I get up at 730-745, get ready, make breakfast, and end up leaving about the same time. Mornings I dilate I’ll get up at like 715 to start and hit the rest of my morning timing without issue (unless I masturbate lol). All in all, it’s pretty minimal in my life anymore. I still have it on my mind at times thinking about when I need to do it next. But doing it twice a week is easy compared to 3x/day.


It looks like a pussy. Looking from external in it fits well within the range of “normal” vaginas. There are things I’d change of course, but that’s because I’m kinda a perfectionist lol. I’ve thought about looking into a revision since I can get it done for just a flight over and the stay. So what would I change?

  • Inner labia is a bit more pronounced than I’d like
  • See if something can be done to help orgasming
  • See if outer labia can be reduced in size
  • Really just smoothing things out

The scar lines on the outer labia are still there. They are visible if you know what they are. If you’re not aware of what they are though, it just looks like a line that marks different coloration in skin. Which can happen in cis women as well (maybe not as pronounced, but even then it’s not super pronounced and keeps fading over time).

Overall I’m pretty happy with how it looks. One thing I need to work with is to get more comfortable with others seeing it. I am extremely self-conscious and protective of who I share it with. I’m afraid it will “out” me, or will be judged for it. I think that’s the fear. I also want to be very protective of it now that I have it.

Sexual intercourse

Ugh. Sex. I am a very sexual person. I’m involved in various kinky events, and have explored sex with men and women over the past year. I’ve not been sexual with many partners since SRS. Generally because of the prior section where I talk about my reticence around letting just anybody see my vagina or have sex with them. I don’t want sex to just have sex. I want sex that has meaning behind it or, at minimum, looks to be memorable or otherwise enjoyable. But I need more than just a physical connection for it that enjoyment to be had. Some of the partners have simply been just sexual in nature. I don’t regret or wish I hadn’t had that with them at all. Doing that showed me that it’s not really worth it just for the sake of sex.

Perhaps this is a flaw in my thought process or my approach. Maybe I need to accept that the point of sex isn’t orgasming with everybody or every time, but instead to share that physical intimacy with somebody. I can say that just having sex can feel really good. Sex with men is what I’ve always wanted sex with men to be like. I feel like a woman. Instead of just imagining I was one. There is really nothing in it where I see myself in any way other than as a girl having sex with a guy. I enjoy being seen with guys romantically as well. I might not “get off” from it, but the fact the rest of it can happen is pretty incredible in and of itself.

What about with women? Well, there have only been two I’ve been with. One was just a FWB situation. The other is my current gf. In both cases it was more “intimate” than with guys (well… except the guy in NC where sex is very much similar to with my current gf and ex’s). The first girl was older and had a lot of experience with women. There wasn’t an emotional connection there though. With the gf there definitely is. So while I haven’t gotten off with her, I could see it happening with time as there are emotions there already which I expect to develop more over time.

So what’s sex like? Well, non-penetrative sex doesn’t do a ton it would seem. Although fingering my clit and the secondary spot (basically the area between the clit and vaginal opening) are how I get myself off. It needs to be light with plenty of lube though. It’s more about the movement than pressure. I haven’t enjoyed receiving oral much in any of the times I’ve received oral. Part of it is being worried about smell/taste which I don’t think is an issue, but one of the things I’m really self conscious about. But beyond that is it’s usually too much. It is like fingering with too much pressure. I don’t know what would need done differently with oral to make that get me off. I’m sure that’ll get explored with the gf over time though.

In the penetrative sex realm it’s generally enjoyable. Provided enough lube is used and after easing into it as it’s still “tight” (if I dilated more I’m sure that would be better). After that it becomes an emotional thing. If I feel disconnected from the person and thus sex with them, then it’s simply going through the motions. Which feels good, don’t get me wrong. But it’s also not relaxing and what I enjoy about sex. This is largely tied to my own psychology and emotions internally than anything regarding the results themselves.

Sex as an act is physically enjoyable with the parts I now have. My next goal is to get it to be emotionally and mentally enjoyable as well, which it is when it’s with people I have those connections with. Maybe I’ll keep from getting comfortable with it casually. To be determined I suppose.


Meh. This one is depressing for me. I have gotten off from masturbation but never with a partner. I have come (pun intended) close with my gf, as well as with a rope partner who used a hitachi wand on me for about 45 minutes. The hitachi will be another post though talking about sex toys. Unfortunately I have not been able to with another person. Well, save the time with the ex where bleeding ended up ruining it… I’d have cum then. I’ve been close with the current gf as well, but hasn’t happened quite yet.

Since I know for a fact I can cum (albeit not easily) I have tried to suss out what the issue is with other people. I obviously haven’t found the answer yet as I’m still having issues being able to orgasm with a partner. I can say it’s very much a mental game/exercise for me. I think what it ultimately boils down to is trust and being able to emotionally let go and be vulnerable to that other person I’m with. Who knows. This is probably the thing I’m working on hardest in regards to anatomy and post-op “issues” so to speak.

Masturbating on my own is hit or miss. Sometimes I get off, sometimes I can’t. Everytime I’ve gotten off it’s been through reading stories on Literotica or occasionally a fun reddit post in their version of NSFW sexual stories. It’s also been using my fingers with a dilator in me, not from a vibrator. Although I’ve not tried vibrators a ton yet.

Perhaps one issue around it is that I know orgasming releases the chemical oxytocin which has a strong relationship with the feelings of “love” and is referenced as the “love drug” because of this. I am extremely scared of falling in love and getting hurt again like I was last year. That hurt for a long time and still does in many ways. I’m afraid of getting hurt like that again, so shy away from risking “falling” for people. It took the better part of this past year to get back to a healthy mental and emotional place after those ended. I could see this being in part why I can’t “relax” or get “there” mentally with orgasming with partners. But that’s a best guess and would likely need a lot of therapist appointments to figure out if that’s the reason or not.


Up until this past week I didn’t think I really got wet. Maybe a small bit until I orgasmed. Even the orgasm amount was not much. However, I had a situation happen where I got super wet. Now because of the specifics I don’t know if it was natural wetness or from some kind of physical trauma (it was involving a hitachi). This is very much an unknown.

That said, I need lube. I have started to use Sliquid Organics for sex and found it very good. I’ll use coconut oil with some toys and in some circumstances but keep in mind that it cannot be used with condoms and may present other issues for some people. I will also use a lube injector sometimes so lube is up there already. It helps prolong sex without requiring more lube applications during sex.

There are plenty of other options out there for lube choices, and there are girls who get more wet than I do from what I’ve read on the Facebook Suporn group. So I may or may not be normal, but it’s certainly not a major issue. Keep in mind that many cis women don’t naturally get wet. Here is a link to some Google results for your perusal (didn’t want a single source). I even had a comment posted yesterday on a previous post from a cis woman who doesn’t produce her own lube either. Point is, this is not a problem! If you don’t get wet, get some lube, and have fun. Just make a point to carry it with you. They sell small amounts for exactly this reason.

Hair and hair removal

So while Suporn does remove all hair during the operation, but removes some. He also doesn’t require electrolysis. So, yes I have a hairy vagina if I let it go. I can shave, although that’s super awkward for me. I could go and get it waxed/lasered off, or electrolysis if I want to remove it permanently. I will likely do this down the road, but for the time being it gets shaved if I care. Otherwise it just grows for a bit until it annoys me lol. Just like many other women out there.

I do have hair on the pelvic mound before you get down to the actual vagina itself, then on the outer labia, as well as the fold between outer and inner labias (note, this is the area I dislike the most because I don’t want to nick myself shaving it and it’s really awkward getting to). There isn’t any I’ve found inside the vagina itself, although around the opening there is some.

If you’re not a fan of hair, you’ll probably want to look into waxing or laser post healing. Check out Groupon and such for deals on both as usually it’s not too expensive by me. I can do 6 laser sessions in the brazillian area for ~$250 or so, then get it with a different company for the other 6. I can also do 3 brazillian waxes for about $60 or so that way. Just a matter of what you like and want to do. Smaller areas (i.e. bikini area) are cheaper usually.


I’ve talked extensively about dating before. I’m still conflicted in many ways how to handle it. However, the way I now handle it is largely a byproduct of my personality. I am one to be pretty direct and up front with that kind of thing and if you’re still interested/around after then you are worth my continued time. If not, no big deal I’ll find somebody who is.

It does create issues, problems, anxiety, and some depression at times. So to help mitigate those I am pretty blase about dates until I get to a point where I think they are worth continuing to talk to, and from there tell them. If they’re still around then I’ll open up more and go from there. This seems to be the best approach for me personally at this point. Will I still do it this way in another year? Or a decade? Who knows, but I’ll figure it out then.

One of the parts that really seems to bother me is that up until I tell people they see me as a woman and depending on the person/scenario want to have sex with me. Then I tell them, and it changes everything. They usually fall into one of two camps. Either the “well I’ve never been with a trans woman, so now I’m curious” or the “I can’t get past you were a guy” (sometimes this also has the bs of them wishing they were better people or know that it shouldn’t matter with it). They rarely say this directly, but things they do say essentially fall into one of those two schools of thoughts.

I get it too. I can see why those two reactions happen. I would like to think I wouldn’t react that way, but if I’m being honest with myself and you the reader (thanks for reading btw!) then I can’t say I’d react differently if I were cis. I’d like to think I would. But I can’t say for certain since I’m not in that situation. If you’re cis and reading this blog though, I’d strongly encourage you to do some introspection to figure out why you’re uncomfortable with it or feel that way. To question what really matters to you in a partner, because I’d be willing to bet that being born with a vagina really doesn’t matter. You just want a partner with a vagina (if you’re into women with vaginas anyways).

For those of you who are pre-op or non-op, don’t go through SRS just to try to make dating/relationships easier. Do it because it’s the right thing for you. SRS isn’t for the feint of heart. It’s an intensive surgery and having gone through it myself then seeing my friend go through it now, I would strongly encourage you to ensure it’s the right thing for you. If it isn’t, then it isn’t. That’s totally fine, and be who you are. Own who you are. You’ll find people who love you for it, so be proud of who you are. Confidence is sexy.


I stayed with the same dose (200 mg spiro, 4 mg estrogen, 200 mg progesterone daily) through the past year for the most part. I have not had blood work done since SRS though so I don’t know if this is still appropriate. That said a month or so ago I dropped to 100 mg spiro and have felt better. I’m going to go to the endo in the next month or so to get blood work done to see how this has changed.

Overall thoughts/results

I’d say if 10 was a natal vagina and a 0 was a totally botched procedure that left me with no useful sexual organs at all, I’m generally around a 7 or so in satisfaction of SRS with Suporn. If I figure out some things (like sex/orgasming) and things keep getting better (like scar lines fading/natural lubrication) then it would probably go to an 8 or so. I would absolutely do it again and have no regrets about doing it with Suporn. He did an excellent job and I’d recommend him to anybody else who wants SRS.

SRS and transitioning are not overnight things or a short term goal/process. Both take years to get through. I was extremely fortunate in that I was able to do it quickly, but that also presented its own set of issues that I’m now kinda working through. Either way, you have to work through a lot of stuff. If you go into SRS expecting to be back to normal in a month or two, you’re very mistaken. My friend is looking like she is going to be similar to myself and take 3-4 months to get back to ~80-90% of normal, and 6+ months to get back to 100%. I’d also wager that she will end up going through a lot of self discovery in the next year or two now that she is post-op. She transitioned a few years ago too.

I can say that I feel more comfortable with myself, my body, and the life I lead than I ever did before transition/SRS. There is a lot more to go, but I don’t believe I’ll ever be done working on self improvement. It’s kinda the point of self-improvement after all. This first year has been one hell of a road. It’s been very traumatic for me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I got through it though, and every day is better than the day before it. I’ll run into rough patches in the future as well I know, but some of the internal ones are now behind me. I now meet and date and socialize and interact with people who never knew the person I was. That person is an abstract concept to them. They will never meet that person, and for that I’m thankful. I love who I am today. The body I’m in today. Flaws, imperfections, differences, and all of the other things that make me, well me.

I’ll be doing a reddit AMA on r/AskTransgender if you want to ask questions about my experiences. Thanks for reading and cheers! Time to go celebrate a bit 🙂

Also, as a final note, there are other posts I’m working on as well. I will continue to update this blog over time and may have some guest posts in the future from other people.


6 month SRS update

First off, holy shit… 6 months already? Wow. That has flown by it seems. Although to be fair a lot has happened in the past 6 months (well… 5.5 calendar months, 6 months @ 4 weeks/mo). So where do things stand?

Well, it looks mostly like a vagina at this point. Scar lines are visible, but mostly due to discoloration. There are outer and inner labia lips and it looks pretty close to a cis-vagina (at least once fully healed it should, i.e. 3-6 months from now).

Well, I can orgasm. Not from sex thus far, but it’s not really been explored much at this point due to lack of partners mainly. But, I can get myself off if I’m in the right mindset.

Well, it can happen and has a few times. It’s weird and I’m still trying to figure it out. One of the issues for me is that I’ve yet to have something that isn’t too small or too large. The large side is a width issue, and I’ll likely be picking up the orange soul source #4 dilator to try to make that better. But it is nice to have sex in this way. Also… I need better lube than QC that works with condoms (have a few thoughts, nothing tried yet though).

I play soccer and volleyball weekly and run more often than that (or try to pending stupid NE US winter weather). I’m noticeably weaker/slower, but it would likely be the same place if I had cut all exercise for ~4-5 months as well. Plus HRT. But I’ll get it back.

Outside of sex, no real pain. Dilation can be tight, but that’s largely due to me doing it once a day. I haven’t lost depth so I’m fine with where it is.

Once a day for most of the past month, with some exceptions (like work travel ironically). It’s been fine so far for me. YMMV though.

Fuck hair. I can’t ever seem to get rid of it all. And I don’t want to do laser/waxing yet so things can heal more. I don’t want to risk anything at this point.

That’s at least the gist of it. I’ll be posting some other updates over the next week or two that should have more interesting stuff.

Does a neo vagina “become” a neo-natal vagina over time?

So I was on Reddit the other day as I was laid up from being sick (grrr coworkers), when I came across a thread about how to clean a neo vagina post sex. In it there was conversation about a neo-vagina tissue becoming more like a cis-vagina over time, and linked to this article that talks a bit about it. I read it and was intrigued as being about a week under 6 months I don’t really get naturally super wet. Some, sure. But nowhere near enough to have sex with at this point. That could change in time though, but will it change to the extent that paper discusses?

Well, I’m generally pretty skeptical of these sorts of things as unfortunately a lot of things in the trans community are done because of what amounts to nothing more than anecdotal evidence at best. Unfortunately trans topics have 1) not a ton of research for pros/cons to one idea over another plus small sample sizes (i.e. injections vs oral estrogen, progesterone growing boobs or not, etc) and 2) due to the biological nature (and age when starting HRT or going through SRS) of it things are going to vary widely. So I started searching on the tubez as I’ve got another 6 months until I hit a year, which is generally the point when the lubrication changes seem to start happening from what I’m seeing.

I came across this article from the journal of Gynecology and Obstetrics published in 2008 that looked at post-op women from surgery with the McIndoe technique of vaginoplasty (more used in reconstruction for cis-women it seems, here’s more info). This is going to not quite be what we’re looking for as a vaginoplasty is only part of SRS. But it does seem to corroborate the original article. But there’s got to be more right?

Well I found one that looked at the micro flora in post op women, which didn’t really find anything of use for us. Although it did note there was a lack of lactobacilli. But back to the topic at hand.

Unfortunately, it does appear that my original skepticism is likely correct. Here is why. There are two types of epithelial cells: keratinized stratified squamous epithelium (KSSE) and nonkeratinized stratified squamous epithelium (NSSE) – source. The problem, if you haven’t guessed at this point, is that basically exterior skin like the penis/scrotal tissue is of the KSSE variety while internal tissue like throat, mouth, and of course the vagina are the NSSE variety. And while there are situations that cells can convert from one form to the other, it doesn’t appear that SRS will likely trigger that change. This study from 2007 based on 9 post-op women from the time of SRS until up to 14 years after didn’t find any histologic changes. However, keep in mind that in 2007 that means some of these SRS operations were in 1993, and most were in the 1993-1995 range (although I can’t read the article to confirm, just guessing based on how the study was done). Also this paper states that no metaplasia has happened, but it does say that tissue becomes more like a cis-females natal vaginal skin. This was done in the mid 90’s though, and is kinda out of date. I’d like to see this redone with a larger sample size as well as more recent surgical techniques.

So why, you might be asking, do I side on the “no changes happen to the tissue” side of things? Well, two reasons. First and foremost the only evidence I can find for it is anecdotal or studies from the McIndoe technique which doesn’t seem to be used for SRS but instead for reconstruction. Secondly is that any of the super limited medical information I can find on studies of this topic agree no changes occur in trans women. So does that mean it’s possible? Well of course it is possible, but I’d say it’s highly unlikely and not to plan on it. As my view on most of this stuff is it’s better to assume these kinds of changes won’t happen, that way you’re not let down if it doesn’t. If it turns out it does change over time, then you’ve now got an awesomely amazing surprise from life.

I will follow up with this post over time with what I find anecdotally, but it likely will be long periods before any updates happen. Until then if any post-op women are out there and have their experiences, I’d love to hear about them!

It’s been a bit (+154 days since SRS)

So it’s been a while… It’s been over 5 months since SRS. And will be closing on 6 months here in another week or two. Wow has that time gone quick. Each day, especially that first month or two into it, felt like it was hard to just get through the day at times. But now I’m looking back and going “okay… so I said 6 months was the point I was ‘healed’, now I’m about there… now what?” Much of the past 6 months has been just getting through each day, week, holiday, whatever. It’s been grueling and honestly kind of miserable. However after the first 3 months that really was entirely around the non-SRS stuff going on (romantic relationship stuff, roommate stuff, work, etc). And the biggest thing, is that the past 4-6 weeks have become just routine with SRS healing. I’ve gotten off, and while I can’t get there every time I can get there. Stitches are long gone. Pain is long gone, with the exception of a random momentary pain point (which could just be hair getting pulled). I can dilate in about 30 minutes if I need to, and the small usually can slip right in to where it’s only the last inch or two that take me a few minutes. From starting to depth was 15-20 minutes, now it’s 5 or less usually. So now what?

Well. Dating is quickly losing my interest. This is pretty normal for me post-breakups though and getting back out there. I go “I JUST WANT TO DATE” immediately after things end, and started down that path. Went on some dates, met some people, made some new female friends which is nice. But I still have to disclose SRS stuff for the time being. And it kind of makes dating really fucking suck. Plus the people in my area aren’t really my type of people. I dislike the sit around watching football, drinking beer all the time, eating crappy food, etc crap. Couple these together and it makes dating a chore. So I’ll continue that, but that’s more of just a “I like meeting people” thing more than “I need somebody.” Although, I really do miss having somebody to come home to and look forward to seeing after work trips.

So I think it’s about time for a change. The past 2 years have been such a massive internal change for me that I don’t associate at all with the person I used to be. I see pics and feel almost an emptiness there about that person. I love who and where I am with myself. But this area isn’t for me. And the place I live ties me to my past. It ties me to the person I was. I can’t be outdoors, or hang out with a ton of like-minded peers, or date easily, or do anything that I want to be doing here. So I think I’m nearing one of the last big parts of transition… Moving and “starting over” in many regards.

The life I had built is over. I need to rebuild a new life for myself. With people who know me only as this person, instead of having to “get used to” or “adjust” to this person. I’ve gotten to experience other cities, people, etc thanks to my job and honestly the people I’ve met post transition, who may know I’m trans or might not, interact with me in the way I want to be interacted with. I know this post is more of a post of rambling and not heavily related to SRS directly, but the thing of it is that this is very much tied to SRS.

SRS is going to enable me to start somewhere and basically be “accidental stealth”. Or hell even just stealth entirely. I’ve wanted to move. I’ve wanted to leave this area. I’ve wanted to transition. And up until SRS I’d have left this area, moved somewhere new, be seen as a woman… but always have something that kept me from being entirely seen that way. So as I approach 6 months post-op I’m seeing an awesome future ahead.

And then it happened… I climaxed (SRS +4.5 months)

So there I was dilating yesterday morning before work like a good little post-op Suporn girl does at 4.5 months in, and killing time looking at porn on Reddit. As I’m prone to doing. Because politics I can only do for so long. Plus, well… porn. I enjoy pictures and text and stuff. Anyways, so I did most of the dilation with the large but had another 5-10 minutes to go when I came across this story on /r/gonewildstories that was really hot. And I started mentally picturing myself in the girls spot in the story. Now, keep in mind this isn’t abnormal for me to do and I’ve done it most of my life. However, this time as I was dilating with the large dilator I started rubbing the inner labia lips on the exterior part. And it started to feel really good. I remembered feeling that feeling ~5 months ago or so, and knew that was a feeling of, “if I keep this up… I’ll orgasm…”

So I kept it up.

Lo and behold, a few minutes of this I started to feel myself about to fall off the edge into the orgasmic valley below. Then it happened. I orgasmed for the first time with female anatomy. The first time as a woman. The first time since SRS. And holy crap was it awesome. So, now I can’t be unsure if I’ll be able to orgasm again… seeing as I just did lol.

So what did it feel like? Well, to be honest it feel similar to orgasms before SRS post-HRT. Where prior to HRT I had a very localized orgasm feeling that then also would shoot up my spine to the base of my neck, once I got on HRT for a few months it started to change into a thing where it would start in the same spot but kind of be a “glow” and radiate outwards from there that encompassed more of a “whole body” feel to it. Post-SRS, at least the first one, is similar to that. The only thing that I noticed that’s different was it lingered a lot longer. If you’ve ever been with a girl (or seen porn or anything) where they kind of shudder as they are coming down from the post-sex high it was basically like that.

I had to get ready for work pretty quickly after so I couldn’t lay there and enjoy it, however the 20+ minutes of getting ready was spent still feeling it kind of pulsing through my body. The shower that was the first thing was really good and relaxing/enjoyable. The heat from the shower steam+post-orgasm high=win. That said… if I was with a partner I’d want to lay in bed next to them after, not go do things. At least if future orgasms are like the one I had yesterday. I tried again this morning, but unfortunately couldn’t get in the mindset. That’s probably the biggest difference is that now sex is very mental. I need to be mentally turned on or nothing will happen. Before I could kind of “force” myself into the mindset. Now though, not really. Which is sad in a way, but also not because it means I have to work for them a bit more. In theory making them more enjoyable/special when they happen.

In any case, at least that happened so I now know it’s possible. Just a matter of exploring more to find out if there are other ways to have it happen. But that’ll likely come with time as well.

And then it got easy (SRS +17 weeks)

First, I’ve switched to weeks in my updates instead of days. My updates have been hit or miss more frequently and beyond that most people aren’t going to want to convert 119 days into weeks/months. So, it’s much easier to swap to weeks as that’s easier math to convert to months. So you’ll start to see that in the title pages.

Now, on to the actual post and relevant content. So two weeks ago I was in Dallas for a second time last month. It was a really good trip (well except on the work side of things as that really didn’t get everything done once again and will need yet another trip down to do that work). One of the really cool things was dilation the last day there all of a sudden was super easy. The morning it was normal. That evening I was already “loosened up” in the pelvic floor and it just slid right in to like 14 cm pretty quick. I waited to post a lot about it in case it was a fluke. But now that it’s been about 10 days or so of pretty consistent easier dilations… I’m feeling comfortable to say that basically the 4 month mark was the next milestone.

Prior to that dilating would take 45-60 minutes usually. Sometimes it’d be a little faster, but not usually. However, now I’m done usually in 30 minutes or so from start. I’ll sometimes go longer just because I can at that point and I’m watching a show or something. But I can get up at 715, shower, dilate, and shower again by 8 (assuming I don’t shave or anything in the shower). Whereas before I’d have to shower before roommates @ like 630 I can now sleep in another 30 minutes from where I used to have to get up at month 2ish. So that’s pretty cool. I’m expecting in a week or so for things to tighten back up for a few days or something before becoming easier again based on how the healing process has gone thus far.

I still need to dilate 2x/day. I dilated 1x/day Sunday and Monday morning was tighter again. I could go down to 1x/day if I have to for some reason, but it’s much better to do it twice a day still. Which isn’t too bad now that basically both dilations are done in the amount of time it used to take for a single dilation session at 2 months in. Reading in the FB group from other girls it appears that 3-5 months is about where it gets easier, usually about 4 months for most girls. Then the next big one is around the 5-7 mark where the one day dilation stuff is even easier/faster. At this point dilation still feels onerous in ways (like now I’m doing this blog to delay dilating… so far for 45 minutes), and I don’t look forward to it still. But I hate it less and less. It’s becoming more and more just a part of life. Unfortunately since I dropped to 2x/day earlier than I should’ve it means I’ll be stuck here for a long time. Or so it’ll feel like anyways. Because I’ve been at 2x/day for 7-8 weeks roughly now, and likely have another 7-8 before I’ll get to one more a day. Upside is since it’s the holiday period time is going really quickly (well that and more of my life has crumbled in the past week as roommates are moving out and now my next 2-3 year plan is out the window and has to be re-worked… but that’ll happen). The rest of this month should go quick. Then Jan might go quick as well since I’m expecting another work trip or two in Jan.

Finally, still haven’t gotten off and things usually are kinda “meh” feeling down there. Doesn’t feel good or bad just like rubbing my arm more or less. I haven’t had sex again since the first time. I did have some sexual stuff happen in Dallas, but nothing really of note and it really didn’t do anything for me. I think that one of the main reasons anymore is I need to have an emotional connection. I don’t know that I can get off on meaningless/emotionless sex anymore. We’ll see though as I’m still a ways off in healing and have a lot ahead of me on this road. I am trying to get back out there dating and stuff after the end of relationships (although part of me wishes the one ex would say she wants me in her life and to start dating again), but I’m not really forcing anything. Unfortunately at this point still I have to disclose I’m trans as things are healing and you can tell due to the scarring/swelling that still exists. But there’s potential there for the short term. Since my 3 year plan is in chaos I don’t even know if I’ll be in the same state 6 months from now so I’m not sure about relationships. Whatever. Sex will be enjoyable again one day. Until then, dilate and get back to work.

Oh, and one more thing… did volleyball last night without issues dilating after. So that’s cool. Looks like I can return to sports (I was doing my normal stupidity of diving and stuff) now. Starting a soccer and vball league in Jan which should be fun especially since it shouldn’t make dilation harder based on recent experiences with exercise+dilation soon after.

Recovering from SRS is weird… (SRS +4 months)

So, it’s been 4 months. It’s been an adventure this far, and holy crap it’s been 4 months already? Wow time flies it seems. This is going to just be a pretty short update as nothing too crazy or drastically new happening. The last externally visible stitch came out about a week ago. Sex seems to be pointless still (once again, this is very likely due to relationships ending and working through those emotions more so than anything about recovery… Sex is very much a mental thing now and mentally I’m just not there with it).

But, one thing is that the last day I was in Dallas last week all of a sudden dilation became really easy (at least the initial insertion through the pelvic floor). Quite literally it was one dilation was still hard to get through like it has been for a few weeks now, then the next one was past the floor muscles in a minute or two. And they weren’t painful. Getting to depth still took some time, but that’s to be expected. And even there I was able to get done in <45 minutes. This has remained true since I’ve been back too. Which is awesome. I also waited a few days before posting anything about it due to trying to see if it was short term or not. You never quite know what the next dilation will bring lol.

This definitely crested a mini hill and have returned to descending down my recovery mountain to the pain-free fields of bliss below.