Sex in a post-SRS life (SRS +196 days/7 months)

So I’ve gone through the first 6 calendar months now post-SRS. I’m done with month 7 by how they count (i.e. 4 weeks/month). First and foremost, I know many people have read the well known Suporn PDF and used it as their gold reference for a lot of information around SRS with Suporn. Well, a few weeks back the author provided an update with revision experiences as well as a section I wrote around the fear and anxiety I experienced. It’s a very well done document that has answers to almost any of the questions I would’ve had going into SRS and I highly recommend reading it and taking a PDF of it with you on your phone.

With that done, on to the updates! And honestly, there aren’t many around the healing itself. Things keep getting better and better overall. Dilation is once every day or two now (I’ve gone 36 hours without any major issues) and it’s a 20 minute thing now. Grab an oz or two of coconut oil that I warmed a bit with a hair drier so it’s not as hard, smear it around and in all the folds, then get a glob of KY since I still have like 75 tubes of the stuff. Which, as an aside, I wouldn’t get 6 months of it like I did (180 tubes). Get like 3 months worth and maybe like 90 tubes if you’re going to get any. It’s decent when mixed with coconut oil, but it isn’t really great for sex as it dries out quicker than I’d like. It also seems that for a day or two every week or two I get random pain/discomfort in some way. It’s nothing major or concerning, but it does happen. Last week, for example, was pain back to where the left labia joins the skin towards the anus. This is actually a similar spot to where I originally had a lot of intense pain now that I think about it. But it went away within a day or two and only happened for a few seconds.

But the main thing I have gained some experience with is sex. Granted it’s only been with two partners, but still. These are people I’ve met off dating sites and were told prior to sex that I was post-op trans. They also were told that I was still kind of lost in the sex realm and it might be a lot of learning experiences so to bear with me. None of that was an issue with either of them. So first up based on chronological events:

Sex with a guy
First and foremost, this guy seems to be a pretty good person and I’ve enjoyed going on dates with him. You certainly can go find some strange, but personally I found it better to explore with somebody you can trust a bit and can talk through things with. First, sex with guys as a woman is fucking awesome. It’s not without some issues which I’ll get into shortly but it’s way better than sex with male anatomy and imagining being a woman in the situation ever was or could’ve been. It’s amazing what it feels like, and while similar to anal it’s really different. And more intimate I feel. But, for me, it’s not without some issues.

  • Biggest thing is lack of fucking lubrication. If there is one thing I may forever be jealous/envious of cis women for it’s their ability to self-lubricate. Well, at least with many women as not all self-lubricate well. I have also only tried QC thus far since I have stupid quantities of it left and expect better quality lube to improve this. Likely resolution – get better lube likely try Sliquid or Shibari to start although need to look into this a bit more.
  • Size of your partner can be an issue. This guy is big. Like way big. He’s 8 inches or so and thicker than the large Suporn dilator (I’d imagine about the orange soul source diameter if not slightly larger). I’m well into 7 with the large dilator in depth for reference. This has caused issues more than once and basically I have to dilate immediately before sex for it to work. Even fingers won’t stretch it enough. Likely resolution – I should be able to fix this by ordering the soul source orange dilator and using that regularly though.
  • Pain due to the two aforementioned points. Specifically due to the girth of him it’s very similar to anal where I need to get a little ways in, wait, then go a little further. Once it’s past the pelvic floor though it’s a lot easier until he “bottoms out” so to speak. Likely resolution – get the soul source dilator, and get better lube
  • Positions can be tricky as well since my depth seems to change based on the position. Which is pretty normal for cis women as well. Just how body geometries work it would seem. That said, this may ease up over time with further healing. TBD.

So that’s the gist of things with the guy side of things (well… the only guy I’ve been with so I’ve got a small sample size). Now, let’s go to:

Sex with a woman
So this is a weird one, and I don’t entirely know what to make of it yet as I’ve only had sex with a woman once so far. Because of this, along with the specifics of what happened I’m not able to provide as clear bullets as above. Quick overview for context of this encounter, I met this girl on a dating site where we seemed to hit it off well. In person it was hard to figure out if she was into me or not, and after a few dates I asked and we agreed to keep it as a friendship. Cool. We continued to hang out as friends over the last few months. In Jan though she found out she had an extended work trip to Germany (Note – I’ll put up a different post about this as there is some stuff that happened that warrants a different post) and said I’m welcome to come and stay with her if I wanted to fly out. So I redeemed some miles and spent 7 nights there. We kept it platonic, although through conversations found out we were into similar things sexually (i.e. kink) and into them in ways that meshed well with the other person. So fast forward to the end of the trip where we spent the weekend in Amsterdam. The second night there we took a nap before going out for the night to the red light district and LGBT bars where we were both open to a 3 some with a girl there if we found a girl we both liked (either in red light or at the bar). We drank a lot of wine and had some cheese, dried figs, and macaroons before the nap. At the end I said, “so I’m going to put this out there… we’re in Amsterdam, I’m kind of drunk, and think it might be nice to just enjoy things here where whatever happens doesn’t mean anything for our friendship.” She was okay with it, although not enthusiastic it didn’t seem. But I do have a bad habit of reading into this stuff in a negative way.

So the sex. We started with kissing, and caressing, and was a much more sensual type of sex than it has ever been when male anatomy has been involved (mine or others). Neither of us went down on one another, but we fingered and kissed a lot. And it was a lot of fun. Like really fun. Unfortunately I was drunk and the stuff that happened towards the end has clouded clearly being able to recall the sexual stuff.

What happened you ask? Well… I had a breakdown. It initially got fired off because she got naturally wet, and no matter what I didn’t. This made me feel that I was never going to have what I want, which is to forget I’m trans and be no different than a cis woman is. And in many ways that’s true. But so far sexually, it isn’t as it relates to getting natural lubrication going. It put me into a dark spiral. It also didn’t help that I couldn’t tell if she was into it/me or not and just doing it to do it. I don’t even remember what all I said/did other than saying I was stupid for suggesting it and shouldn’t have, and ending up with her holding me as I’m holding back tears.

Needless to say, I need to have more sex with women… but I need to get comfortable with myself and my body. I need to accept that I may never get naturally lubricated and find partners who are okay with it and don’t make it into a “thing”, which for the record she didn’t at all make it uncomfortable or anything. Additionally, I need my clit to start feeling good with others play with it. Because right now it doesn’t. Too much pressure is very easy to have happen. I feel kinda lost in this body sexually speaking and it’s like going through loosing my virginity again (#BornAgainVirgin). We’ll see what the future holds. Who knows if sex with her will happen again, but the friendship does seem to be intact at least. I do feel really bad for her having to go through that though as I really wanted it to just be a fun and enjoyable weekend for both of us. These things happen though.

This has been a pretty long post and covered a lot, I’ve got two other posts I need to write up over the next week or so.

It’s been a bit (+154 days since SRS)

So it’s been a while… It’s been over 5 months since SRS. And will be closing on 6 months here in another week or two. Wow has that time gone quick. Each day, especially that first month or two into it, felt like it was hard to just get through the day at times. But now I’m looking back and going “okay… so I said 6 months was the point I was ‘healed’, now I’m about there… now what?” Much of the past 6 months has been just getting through each day, week, holiday, whatever. It’s been grueling and honestly kind of miserable. However after the first 3 months that really was entirely around the non-SRS stuff going on (romantic relationship stuff, roommate stuff, work, etc). And the biggest thing, is that the past 4-6 weeks have become just routine with SRS healing. I’ve gotten off, and while I can’t get there every time I can get there. Stitches are long gone. Pain is long gone, with the exception of a random momentary pain point (which could just be hair getting pulled). I can dilate in about 30 minutes if I need to, and the small usually can slip right in to where it’s only the last inch or two that take me a few minutes. From starting to depth was 15-20 minutes, now it’s 5 or less usually. So now what?

Well. Dating is quickly losing my interest. This is pretty normal for me post-breakups though and getting back out there. I go “I JUST WANT TO DATE” immediately after things end, and started down that path. Went on some dates, met some people, made some new female friends which is nice. But I still have to disclose SRS stuff for the time being. And it kind of makes dating really fucking suck. Plus the people in my area aren’t really my type of people. I dislike the sit around watching football, drinking beer all the time, eating crappy food, etc crap. Couple these together and it makes dating a chore. So I’ll continue that, but that’s more of just a “I like meeting people” thing more than “I need somebody.” Although, I really do miss having somebody to come home to and look forward to seeing after work trips.

So I think it’s about time for a change. The past 2 years have been such a massive internal change for me that I don’t associate at all with the person I used to be. I see pics and feel almost an emptiness there about that person. I love who and where I am with myself. But this area isn’t for me. And the place I live ties me to my past. It ties me to the person I was. I can’t be outdoors, or hang out with a ton of like-minded peers, or date easily, or do anything that I want to be doing here. So I think I’m nearing one of the last big parts of transition… Moving and “starting over” in many regards.

The life I had built is over. I need to rebuild a new life for myself. With people who know me only as this person, instead of having to “get used to” or “adjust” to this person. I’ve gotten to experience other cities, people, etc thanks to my job and honestly the people I’ve met post transition, who may know I’m trans or might not, interact with me in the way I want to be interacted with. I know this post is more of a post of rambling and not heavily related to SRS directly, but the thing of it is that this is very much tied to SRS.

SRS is going to enable me to start somewhere and basically be “accidental stealth”. Or hell even just stealth entirely. I’ve wanted to move. I’ve wanted to leave this area. I’ve wanted to transition. And up until SRS I’d have left this area, moved somewhere new, be seen as a woman… but always have something that kept me from being entirely seen that way. So as I approach 6 months post-op I’m seeing an awesome future ahead.

I celebrated on the eve of 3 months with my first sexual experience (SRS +83)

Over this weekend I happened to meet somebody who I got along with pretty well. We spent all day Saturday together. We ended up at my place where we kept talking and watched some Youtube stuff while we cuddled on the couch. It was really nice to feel wanted again. It’s been a while since I’ve felt that from somebody else, without some kind of reservation or caveats to it. Since I’ve been back I haven’t felt that somebody has wanted me in that way after the first week or two. To be fair, a lot of that was my own fault and a result of things that I did or how I handled things. Unfortunately I was under a ton of stress, in pain, and dealing with a lot of major things all at once. And combined with other things going on rifts between myself and my two gf’s quickly formed, until the relationships ended (well… technically one is on a “break” of sorts… but I’m not sure she’ll want to restart anything with me… but I digress). So having this new person who I had great chemistry with come into my life was really awesome.

I forgot how something like that feels. The so called “NRE” (New Relationship Energy in poly parlance). I very much love the partners I had and I wish that things would’ve worked out differently. I can’t change that though so instead I’m moving on. And as it would happen this girl, whose number I had since before SRS and finally texted a week or two ago, has a lot of parallels to myself. Cares about finances, has her own big relationship that just ended, intelligent, fun to joke with due to a similar sense of humor, and a good person all around. We spent 12 hours together on Saturday and it felt like it flew by. I had that with both of my most recent ex’s, and they both still had that until they ended. And it really hurt when I lost them both.

Anyways, back to Saturday. We were cuddling on the couch for an hour or two. She then had me lay down with her behind me and we cuddled like that for a bit. Then I turned to her and kissed her. We started making out extensively, groping, touching, etc. She ended up with her leg between mine and would push up between my legs. This was uncomfortable. I could see the enjoyment one day in it, but currently not so much. Things are still healing and don’t like pressure placed on them apparently. She ended up fingering me for a bit which wasn’t bad, but I was concerned about bleeding and called it short. After I hurt a bit. Not to the point of needing Tramadol, but enough to be uncomfortable the rest of the night.

Sunday morning I found out she left her glasses at my place and we ended up spending all of Sunday together too after she stopped over to get them. We had another good day and I talked to her about poly a lot. But nothing happened sexually. Monday we decided to hang out again, and I cooked dinner. We ended up fooling around again with making out and groping and stuff, and then we went to the bedroom where things progressed. And it turned into sex. It was enjoyable and she seemed to enjoy it a lot which I was happy for. So what about me? What was sex like for me?

Review of sex, post-hardware upgrade: First off, through the entire time I didn’t feel like I was an imposter. Previously I would feel as though I was a woman through an evening, until clothes started getting moved or coming off and to a much more severe degree when I was having sex. The anatomy really became hard to deal with during sex. And it was pretty useless. This time though, I didn’t once have that feeling. I wish so very much that I had that experience with my ex who was in Thailand with me. Since that wasn’t possible though, I don’t know I could’ve found a better partner for the first time than this girl. There was penetrative sex, which like fingering and kneeing, was physically uncomfortable. The clit and vaginal lips were being pulled and feel like they were dry and pulled in uncomfortable ways.

Soooo sex isn’t enjoyable at this point. It can happen, sure. But as with before it’s being done for my partner, not myself at this point. We’ll see if it changes… Hopefully it does. Hopefully I feel good from sex one day soon…

Oh walking how I’ve missed you (SRS +5)

After yesterday and removing the outer bandages I’ve started to feel pretty good. Well minus the sore and swollen pussy that doesn’t look that cute right now. But at least I can walk. Supposedly only with help. Me, being my stubborn self, said screw it and walked alone a few times after the shower walk with nurses.

Otherwise, just another day in the hospital. I really don’t like their food. It’s so boring. Really nothing much new. I’ll take daily pics to post in a larger thread of the healing process, but for now this is it for the day.

I get out of the hospital tomorrow. At 6 am a nurse comes to crimp off the catheter. I’ll need to drink as much as I can tomorrow morning along with coffee. At 7 the catheter comes out and I need to pee on my own. Or I get it reinserted for a few more days which would be miserable.

Oh one weird thing… went #2 for the first time last night… sat down, and instinctively shoved my right hand down to make sure my parts didn’t touch the bowl. Then it hit me… I don’t have parts that will have that happen.

Oh and the nurse betadine and post-shower stuff. Holy fuck sensitive. Sex is looking to be promising lol.

Pussy chronicles, day 2 (SRS +1)

I was more awake today. Although I slept a ton. Dr Suporn stopped in around 8 to check up on stuff and ask some questions. He said today would be painful due to the swelling, sure enough yesterday was more painful than SRS day was (well at least one I got morphine for self administration anyways). He also wanted me to eat some food. I didn’t eat much due to nausea, but I ate some. I had various sharp pains through the day but nothing totally unbearable.

Really this was another day off sleep more. I messed around inn phone for a bit, including posting on here and a reddit AMA… But otherwise just tried to be comfortable and sleep.

My pussy is so sore. But it’s mine. And it’s not male bits. So yay!

Oh and meet the girl who was on Thursday. Talked to her for a bit. Looking forward to talking to get more. Hopefully the girl on Wednesday is up for stuff too. Would be a fun group to heal with I think.

Hospital pre-check (-2 days)

First off… the hotel wifi SUCKS. I might have to make it my mission to figure out how to get it to a non-stupid state where I don’t have to login every 3-5 minutes. Ugh.

My partner and I couldn’t sleep. We were up at 4 AM local due to some reason. It was annoying. Whatever. We went down, got breakfast, and had a girl I had talked to from Reddit stop by and ask to join. Was cool to meet somebody who is almost a month post-op, and I had talked to online before. Then had another girl join a little later, and had a bunch of the girls down getting their breakfast around 8-9ish. Another girl joined, and the four of us talked for a bit. I realized how global of a situation I’m in. I’m from the US, one person is from France, another from Germany, another from Australia, another from a different part of the US, and all of us were bonding in Thailand. And there are a ton of other girls I didn’t chat with yesterday. But about 10 AM everybody, save two other people, left. I didn’t know what was going on, but was quickly told they needed to get back to their room for their daily nurse visit. My partner and I got up soon after to go get ready for the hospital pre-op checks where we were leaving at noon for.

When we got to the hospital, there was one girl who was getting admitted and then myself and another girl for pre-op work. The hospital looks nice enough in the lobby area. It’s the first time in a non-US hospital though so I don’t have a basis of comparison outside of US facilities. Which compared to a US hospital this one is not quite at the same level. It’s certainly not bad by any means, and they were very professional. Just was a bit jarring for me as it’s not what I’m used to. They asked for our passports, then from there it was a flurry of activity. I was first asked to remove my necklace due to the chest X-Ray being done and had to sign off on the HIV check along with pre-op work. Then was blood work.

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They took about one syringe of blood to fill 3 vials (blood clotting, HIV check, and another I’m forgetting… nothing too crazy). From there we went to get chest X-Rays.

They had us change into hospital gowns. As an aside, there were two of us, and one room for males and one room for females. I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable so I just went in the male room and changed there so we could both have our privacy. This part was the first time I had an unsettling feeling about the situation. The X-Rays are done on plates, and I go “I wonder how much extraneous radiation I’m getting and is this more than the international flights here?” The overall thing is just go and shove your chest against a cold plate, have a chin support pushing up on your chin, and arms kind of around the box. We went back to the room to change into our clothes, and were then moved over to the vital stats area.

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Here they recorded weight, temp, blood pressure, body temp, and height. Two things stood out here. First off, I didn’t know my height in centimeters which is what they need. So, for those who can do quick math (or want to use a calculator) and come from one of those archaic imperial unit nations it’s 2.54 cm per inch (i.e “height in inches” x “2.54” = height in cenitmeters”… note you could round to 2.5 and get pretty close). The other thing is your blood pressure will likely be elevated, mine certainly was (about 15% higher than normal measurements in doc offices). This was pretty quick, then the EKG happened.

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This was perhaps the more… umm… uncomfortable one due to how it’s done. They take 4 clamps (think car jumper clamps that aren’t as tight) and put one on each wrist and each ankle. Then they take some conductive liquid and put on your chest from right breast along a string to just under the left side ribs (just below shoulder blade) and put these suction cup thingys (5-6 I forget the number) on those points. You just lie there for a few minutes, and a printout comes out that has your results. From there it was back to the waiting area to head out.

We had to stop at a fruit stand on the way back, and since I didn’t get to the clinic yet I didn’t have cash (stands here are cash only almost always). Some people got grapes and other fruit, I stuck to some oranges. One of the grandma’s of another patient let us borrow some money (once again thank you if you ever read this, it was really appreciated) which was really nice.

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Later my partner and I went to the Central Plaza. I invited the other girl who was in for pre-op checks to join if she wanted. Her and her companion both joined. It was 400 baht to get there and back, and we just had to call the hotel for a pickup when we were ready. We were there for a few hours to get various supplies (like a table for bed that a laptop could rest on) and just walk around. We ended up getting hungry but only trusted the McDonalds and Starbucks hot food and drink. There is a girl here who got food poisoning/sick post-op. And holy crap do I feel bad for her. That would be miserable. So I’m trying to play it super safe until like two weeks post-SRS.

One final pic from the mall trip: Power White whitening scrub. America has tanning products. Thailand has whitening products. Such is the way of things apparently.

 

Last week at home (-12 days until SRS)

I’m in the final week at home, where I’m fully able to do anything. Got to put up a 4×8 ft whiteboard today, that was fun. Now I’m gearing up for traveling. I’ve started on a list for what I need to buy on Amazon, what I need to pack, and what I need to transfer to my laptop (file wise). This weekend I have something Saturday and Sunday night, so I’ll thankfully be fairly busy with that stuff and not really have a ton of time to myself. Tomorrow is the last Friday I’ll be in the office until September, and only 4 more days in the office remain.

I’m still wrestling with things. Last night once again I woke up in fear of going through with things. It’s beginning to get surreal. I feel like I should be like masturbating every day. Like I should pee standing up all the time. Because I can, and this is getting to the last week that I’ll be able to ever do that soon. I’ve thought about having sex in a male role one last time. Or receiving oral. And thinking about both of those I’m going, “eh… I don’t really see an upside…” At this point I have a bunch of good memories and experiences in my past. Those are the things I’ll remember. A last time having sex won’t be enjoyable and I don’t want to remember “before” in a negative way. Because while it wasn’t ideal, that doesn’t mean I didn’t make the best of it every so often.

It’s likely coworkers know why I’m leaving and that it’s happening. I can’t complain because the company has been amazing through it. But I hate that they likely know. But while I still struggle with things, at the same time I’m beginning to be at peace with it to an extent as well. I want to move past this. Through my talks with my one gf the other night, she helped me to recognize that I can’t see a negative around having a pussy. Outside of the healing stuff. Where as I can’t say that about current anatomy. It’s just there. It’s a part of me sure, but not an enjoyable one. It’s just there. I have no affinity for it. But I have a strong desire to have a pussy. And my 20’s were spent living life with a dick. But my 30’s will be spent living it with a pussy. And that sounds nice and enjoyable.

So I’m still having issues. Likely will have issues for most of the twelve days. But when I wake up I’m expecting to cry tears of joy. I’m sure I’ll be very very emotional and break down. And I’m looking forward to it.