Sex in a post-SRS life (SRS +196 days/7 months)

So I’ve gone through the first 6 calendar months now post-SRS. I’m done with month 7 by how they count (i.e. 4 weeks/month). First and foremost, I know many people have read the well known Suporn PDF and used it as their gold reference for a lot of information around SRS with Suporn. Well, a few weeks back the author provided an update with revision experiences as well as a section I wrote around the fear and anxiety I experienced. It’s a very well done document that has answers to almost any of the questions I would’ve had going into SRS and I highly recommend reading it and taking a PDF of it with you on your phone.

With that done, on to the updates! And honestly, there aren’t many around the healing itself. Things keep getting better and better overall. Dilation is once every day or two now (I’ve gone 36 hours without any major issues) and it’s a 20 minute thing now. Grab an oz or two of coconut oil that I warmed a bit with a hair drier so it’s not as hard, smear it around and in all the folds, then get a glob of KY since I still have like 75 tubes of the stuff. Which, as an aside, I wouldn’t get 6 months of it like I did (180 tubes). Get like 3 months worth and maybe like 90 tubes if you’re going to get any. It’s decent when mixed with coconut oil, but it isn’t really great for sex as it dries out quicker than I’d like. It also seems that for a day or two every week or two I get random pain/discomfort in some way. It’s nothing major or concerning, but it does happen. Last week, for example, was pain back to where the left labia joins the skin towards the anus. This is actually a similar spot to where I originally had a lot of intense pain now that I think about it. But it went away within a day or two and only happened for a few seconds.

But the main thing I have gained some experience with is sex. Granted it’s only been with two partners, but still. These are people I’ve met off dating sites and were told prior to sex that I was post-op trans. They also were told that I was still kind of lost in the sex realm and it might be a lot of learning experiences so to bear with me. None of that was an issue with either of them. So first up based on chronological events:

Sex with a guy
First and foremost, this guy seems to be a pretty good person and I’ve enjoyed going on dates with him. You certainly can go find some strange, but personally I found it better to explore with somebody you can trust a bit and can talk through things with. First, sex with guys as a woman is fucking awesome. It’s not without some issues which I’ll get into shortly but it’s way better than sex with male anatomy and imagining being a woman in the situation ever was or could’ve been. It’s amazing what it feels like, and while similar to anal it’s really different. And more intimate I feel. But, for me, it’s not without some issues.

  • Biggest thing is lack of fucking lubrication. If there is one thing I may forever be jealous/envious of cis women for it’s their ability to self-lubricate. Well, at least with many women as not all self-lubricate well. I have also only tried QC thus far since I have stupid quantities of it left and expect better quality lube to improve this. Likely resolution – get better lube likely try Sliquid or Shibari to start although need to look into this a bit more.
  • Size of your partner can be an issue. This guy is big. Like way big. He’s 8 inches or so and thicker than the large Suporn dilator (I’d imagine about the orange soul source diameter if not slightly larger). I’m well into 7 with the large dilator in depth for reference. This has caused issues more than once and basically I have to dilate immediately before sex for it to work. Even fingers won’t stretch it enough. Likely resolution – I should be able to fix this by ordering the soul source orange dilator and using that regularly though.
  • Pain due to the two aforementioned points. Specifically due to the girth of him it’s very similar to anal where I need to get a little ways in, wait, then go a little further. Once it’s past the pelvic floor though it’s a lot easier until he “bottoms out” so to speak. Likely resolution – get the soul source dilator, and get better lube
  • Positions can be tricky as well since my depth seems to change based on the position. Which is pretty normal for cis women as well. Just how body geometries work it would seem. That said, this may ease up over time with further healing. TBD.

So that’s the gist of things with the guy side of things (well… the only guy I’ve been with so I’ve got a small sample size). Now, let’s go to:

Sex with a woman
So this is a weird one, and I don’t entirely know what to make of it yet as I’ve only had sex with a woman once so far. Because of this, along with the specifics of what happened I’m not able to provide as clear bullets as above. Quick overview for context of this encounter, I met this girl on a dating site where we seemed to hit it off well. In person it was hard to figure out if she was into me or not, and after a few dates I asked and we agreed to keep it as a friendship. Cool. We continued to hang out as friends over the last few months. In Jan though she found out she had an extended work trip to Germany (Note – I’ll put up a different post about this as there is some stuff that happened that warrants a different post) and said I’m welcome to come and stay with her if I wanted to fly out. So I redeemed some miles and spent 7 nights there. We kept it platonic, although through conversations found out we were into similar things sexually (i.e. kink) and into them in ways that meshed well with the other person. So fast forward to the end of the trip where we spent the weekend in Amsterdam. The second night there we took a nap before going out for the night to the red light district and LGBT bars where we were both open to a 3 some with a girl there if we found a girl we both liked (either in red light or at the bar). We drank a lot of wine and had some cheese, dried figs, and macaroons before the nap. At the end I said, “so I’m going to put this out there… we’re in Amsterdam, I’m kind of drunk, and think it might be nice to just enjoy things here where whatever happens doesn’t mean anything for our friendship.” She was okay with it, although not enthusiastic it didn’t seem. But I do have a bad habit of reading into this stuff in a negative way.

So the sex. We started with kissing, and caressing, and was a much more sensual type of sex than it has ever been when male anatomy has been involved (mine or others). Neither of us went down on one another, but we fingered and kissed a lot. And it was a lot of fun. Like really fun. Unfortunately I was drunk and the stuff that happened towards the end has clouded clearly being able to recall the sexual stuff.

What happened you ask? Well… I had a breakdown. It initially got fired off because she got naturally wet, and no matter what I didn’t. This made me feel that I was never going to have what I want, which is to forget I’m trans and be no different than a cis woman is. And in many ways that’s true. But so far sexually, it isn’t as it relates to getting natural lubrication going. It put me into a dark spiral. It also didn’t help that I couldn’t tell if she was into it/me or not and just doing it to do it. I don’t even remember what all I said/did other than saying I was stupid for suggesting it and shouldn’t have, and ending up with her holding me as I’m holding back tears.

Needless to say, I need to have more sex with women… but I need to get comfortable with myself and my body. I need to accept that I may never get naturally lubricated and find partners who are okay with it and don’t make it into a “thing”, which for the record she didn’t at all make it uncomfortable or anything. Additionally, I need my clit to start feeling good with others play with it. Because right now it doesn’t. Too much pressure is very easy to have happen. I feel kinda lost in this body sexually speaking and it’s like going through loosing my virginity again (#BornAgainVirgin). We’ll see what the future holds. Who knows if sex with her will happen again, but the friendship does seem to be intact at least. I do feel really bad for her having to go through that though as I really wanted it to just be a fun and enjoyable weekend for both of us. These things happen though.

This has been a pretty long post and covered a lot, I’ve got two other posts I need to write up over the next week or so.

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6 month SRS update

First off, holy shit… 6 months already? Wow. That has flown by it seems. Although to be fair a lot has happened in the past 6 months (well… 5.5 calendar months, 6 months @ 4 weeks/mo). So where do things stand?

Looks
Well, it looks mostly like a vagina at this point. Scar lines are visible, but mostly due to discoloration. There are outer and inner labia lips and it looks pretty close to a cis-vagina (at least once fully healed it should, i.e. 3-6 months from now).

Orgasm/sensation
Well, I can orgasm. Not from sex thus far, but it’s not really been explored much at this point due to lack of partners mainly. But, I can get myself off if I’m in the right mindset.

Sex
Well, it can happen and has a few times. It’s weird and I’m still trying to figure it out. One of the issues for me is that I’ve yet to have something that isn’t too small or too large. The large side is a width issue, and I’ll likely be picking up the orange soul source #4 dilator to try to make that better. But it is nice to have sex in this way. Also… I need better lube than QC that works with condoms (have a few thoughts, nothing tried yet though).

Sports
I play soccer and volleyball weekly and run more often than that (or try to pending stupid NE US winter weather). I’m noticeably weaker/slower, but it would likely be the same place if I had cut all exercise for ~4-5 months as well. Plus HRT. But I’ll get it back.

Pain
Outside of sex, no real pain. Dilation can be tight, but that’s largely due to me doing it once a day. I haven’t lost depth so I’m fine with where it is.

Dilation
Once a day for most of the past month, with some exceptions (like work travel ironically). It’s been fine so far for me. YMMV though.

Hair
Fuck hair. I can’t ever seem to get rid of it all. And I don’t want to do laser/waxing yet so things can heal more. I don’t want to risk anything at this point.

That’s at least the gist of it. I’ll be posting some other updates over the next week or two that should have more interesting stuff.

Two years. What a ride.

Two years ago I took my first pills of HRT. I had no idea what to expect. Would I lose my job? What about family/friends? What about my house? I was starting from a place of being somewhat content with life. I wasn’t depressed (I didn’t think), I wasn’t unhappy with my body, I hadn’t tried any self-harm either. But I knew I’d always wished I’d been born a girl. At that point in time I had wished I had started it a decade prior as I was in my later 20’s at the time, so I thought there was no way I’d be able to pass. But I also didn’t want to try to “tough it out”, and end up in my late 30’s going “fuck I wish I had started a decade ago” like I did at that point. So I went for it, as I could always stop if I felt it wasn’t right or what I wanted.

And the past two years have been crazy. In that amount of time I got a new job so I could transition professionally (has has been amazing for transition support as well as professional development). I legally changed my name which was one of the scariest points for me I think for some reason. Well up until SRS. Going full time wasn’t even that bad. There were uncertainties sure, but the legal name change was the “line in the sand” so to speak. Once I did that there really was no going back. And I think I knew that at the time which was why it was so hard. I had one partner who really was the one who helped me through that point in time, and I’ll always be grateful to her for that. Because she provided the encouragement I needed to actually walk out of my house and go to the court house to submit the docs. Once I dropped those off though getting to today became an eventuality, not an uncertainty.

SRS was another point that was pretty hard. And my other partner did more than I could’ve ever asked or hope a partner could (or would be able to) do by going with me and staying for a few weeks. I know I could’ve done it on my own, and I had planned to. But having her there was amazing, mainly for the emotional aspects. There’s a quote from the show Firefly that pretty much sums up exactly what those two partners did for me over the past two years: “When you can’t run, you crawl. And when you can’t crawl, when you can’t do that ….. you find someone to carry you.” Which they did time and time again. At minimum they would give me support to get back up when I needed it most.

So, if the two of you who really helped me through these past two years happen across this… Thank you for being the best support I could’ve ever asked for.

I’m now in a not too different place from where I started outside of the whole “being seen as a male vs female” from the outside world perspective. When I started this I was single, had a good job, and was on the edge of a lot of changes. I’m at a similar place now being single, good job, and on the verge of making some pretty big changes. But… now I’m doing them as the person I always wished I had been born as. And nobody I meet moving forward will ever know that persona I had built up prior to transitioning. And I am really happy about that.

 

Does a neo vagina “become” a neo-natal vagina over time?

So I was on Reddit the other day as I was laid up from being sick (grrr coworkers), when I came across a thread about how to clean a neo vagina post sex. In it there was conversation about a neo-vagina tissue becoming more like a cis-vagina over time, and linked to this article that talks a bit about it. I read it and was intrigued as being about a week under 6 months I don’t really get naturally super wet. Some, sure. But nowhere near enough to have sex with at this point. That could change in time though, but will it change to the extent that paper discusses?

Well, I’m generally pretty skeptical of these sorts of things as unfortunately a lot of things in the trans community are done because of what amounts to nothing more than anecdotal evidence at best. Unfortunately trans topics have 1) not a ton of research for pros/cons to one idea over another plus small sample sizes (i.e. injections vs oral estrogen, progesterone growing boobs or not, etc) and 2) due to the biological nature (and age when starting HRT or going through SRS) of it things are going to vary widely. So I started searching on the tubez as I’ve got another 6 months until I hit a year, which is generally the point when the lubrication changes seem to start happening from what I’m seeing.

I came across this article from the journal of Gynecology and Obstetrics published in 2008 that looked at post-op women from surgery with the McIndoe technique of vaginoplasty (more used in reconstruction for cis-women it seems, here’s more info). This is going to not quite be what we’re looking for as a vaginoplasty is only part of SRS. But it does seem to corroborate the original article. But there’s got to be more right?

Well I found one that looked at the micro flora in post op women, which didn’t really find anything of use for us. Although it did note there was a lack of lactobacilli. But back to the topic at hand.

Unfortunately, it does appear that my original skepticism is likely correct. Here is why. There are two types of epithelial cells: keratinized stratified squamous epithelium (KSSE) and nonkeratinized stratified squamous epithelium (NSSE) – source. The problem, if you haven’t guessed at this point, is that basically exterior skin like the penis/scrotal tissue is of the KSSE variety while internal tissue like throat, mouth, and of course the vagina are the NSSE variety. And while there are situations that cells can convert from one form to the other, it doesn’t appear that SRS will likely trigger that change. This study from 2007 based on 9 post-op women from the time of SRS until up to 14 years after didn’t find any histologic changes. However, keep in mind that in 2007 that means some of these SRS operations were in 1993, and most were in the 1993-1995 range (although I can’t read the article to confirm, just guessing based on how the study was done). Also this paper states that no metaplasia has happened, but it does say that tissue becomes more like a cis-females natal vaginal skin. This was done in the mid 90’s though, and is kinda out of date. I’d like to see this redone with a larger sample size as well as more recent surgical techniques.

So why, you might be asking, do I side on the “no changes happen to the tissue” side of things? Well, two reasons. First and foremost the only evidence I can find for it is anecdotal or studies from the McIndoe technique which doesn’t seem to be used for SRS but instead for reconstruction. Secondly is that any of the super limited medical information I can find on studies of this topic agree no changes occur in trans women. So does that mean it’s possible? Well of course it is possible, but I’d say it’s highly unlikely and not to plan on it. As my view on most of this stuff is it’s better to assume these kinds of changes won’t happen, that way you’re not let down if it doesn’t. If it turns out it does change over time, then you’ve now got an awesomely amazing surprise from life.

I will follow up with this post over time with what I find anecdotally, but it likely will be long periods before any updates happen. Until then if any post-op women are out there and have their experiences, I’d love to hear about them!

It’s been a bit (+154 days since SRS)

So it’s been a while… It’s been over 5 months since SRS. And will be closing on 6 months here in another week or two. Wow has that time gone quick. Each day, especially that first month or two into it, felt like it was hard to just get through the day at times. But now I’m looking back and going “okay… so I said 6 months was the point I was ‘healed’, now I’m about there… now what?” Much of the past 6 months has been just getting through each day, week, holiday, whatever. It’s been grueling and honestly kind of miserable. However after the first 3 months that really was entirely around the non-SRS stuff going on (romantic relationship stuff, roommate stuff, work, etc). And the biggest thing, is that the past 4-6 weeks have become just routine with SRS healing. I’ve gotten off, and while I can’t get there every time I can get there. Stitches are long gone. Pain is long gone, with the exception of a random momentary pain point (which could just be hair getting pulled). I can dilate in about 30 minutes if I need to, and the small usually can slip right in to where it’s only the last inch or two that take me a few minutes. From starting to depth was 15-20 minutes, now it’s 5 or less usually. So now what?

Well. Dating is quickly losing my interest. This is pretty normal for me post-breakups though and getting back out there. I go “I JUST WANT TO DATE” immediately after things end, and started down that path. Went on some dates, met some people, made some new female friends which is nice. But I still have to disclose SRS stuff for the time being. And it kind of makes dating really fucking suck. Plus the people in my area aren’t really my type of people. I dislike the sit around watching football, drinking beer all the time, eating crappy food, etc crap. Couple these together and it makes dating a chore. So I’ll continue that, but that’s more of just a “I like meeting people” thing more than “I need somebody.” Although, I really do miss having somebody to come home to and look forward to seeing after work trips.

So I think it’s about time for a change. The past 2 years have been such a massive internal change for me that I don’t associate at all with the person I used to be. I see pics and feel almost an emptiness there about that person. I love who and where I am with myself. But this area isn’t for me. And the place I live ties me to my past. It ties me to the person I was. I can’t be outdoors, or hang out with a ton of like-minded peers, or date easily, or do anything that I want to be doing here. So I think I’m nearing one of the last big parts of transition… Moving and “starting over” in many regards.

The life I had built is over. I need to rebuild a new life for myself. With people who know me only as this person, instead of having to “get used to” or “adjust” to this person. I’ve gotten to experience other cities, people, etc thanks to my job and honestly the people I’ve met post transition, who may know I’m trans or might not, interact with me in the way I want to be interacted with. I know this post is more of a post of rambling and not heavily related to SRS directly, but the thing of it is that this is very much tied to SRS.

SRS is going to enable me to start somewhere and basically be “accidental stealth”. Or hell even just stealth entirely. I’ve wanted to move. I’ve wanted to leave this area. I’ve wanted to transition. And up until SRS I’d have left this area, moved somewhere new, be seen as a woman… but always have something that kept me from being entirely seen that way. So as I approach 6 months post-op I’m seeing an awesome future ahead.

Post op, but not post trans – Dating as a trans woman

So, as of late my personal life has kind of gone to hell. I lost people I saw as family. One of them was somebody I loved more than others before. I lost two roommates which changes my financial outlook. And I’m still recovering from SRS. It’s been a rough past 6 months. It really has been. But, that’s life. And I’ve gotten through it. I’m now at a point where I feel I can start going out and dating again though, at least casually as I’m not over that poly group ending and don’t expect to be over that for a while to come still. But, I won’t sit around at home feeling sorry for myself about it. So, dating it is (along with other things like returning to exercising regularly and cooking more and getting my house to a place I could sell in the spring if I wanted). But… Now we’re back to one of my first posts:

To stealth or not?

In that post I talk a bit about what my thoughts were around post-op dating life. And unsurprisingly some of it is accurate. Mainly that at this point (4.5 months post) I can get away without disclosing I’m trans if I were to choose to do so to a large extent. Right now about the only stuff that “outs” me is facial hair since electrolysis isn’t completed (hey girls… if you’re going to transition… start electrolysis yesterday… better yet, last year), sometimes my voice is still deeper (i.e. I don’t think about it or care in the situation), and my vagina still is healing. Although there, in the dark, there is no way to tell. I only know because of what I’m looking for and as long as somebody doesn’t go down to inspect they wouldn’t be able to tell. There are scar lines and things are a bit swollen still, but now it basically falls within the neo-natal vaginal spectrum on a looks perspective. And I’ve gone on dates in the past month where after I told her I was told she didn’t know for sure, but suspected due to my hand size. Which in post-puberty transitioning mtf girls can be larger than cis-women (although certainly not a sure-fire way to “know”).

So I don’t have to disclose I’m trans. But if I don’t, as discussed in that post, I’d have to cut out a lot of my current life. And I don’t want to do that right now. So, that means I’ll need to disclose at some point during the dating process. So when do I disclose it? Up front is great and all, but the down side is then you have to deal with shit from people harassing you. Or, further, is the professional concern once I leave the job I transitioned at. Okay, not in my profile, but should I before the first date? Well if I do that then a bunch of people will duck out and bail, which I’m okay with but then that just points back to disclosing in my profile because it would weed them out from the start. And, if I don’t see any potential with them then why did they need to know? Doing this means I then go to the first date without disclosing. Which date do I disclose on then? Well if I’m going to disclose it needs to be before sex. So somewhere between the first and 3rd-4th most likely. I thought this was a solid strategy. Until today.

I’ve been talking to a guy for the past 3-4 days off and on. I didn’t say anything about being trans. He starts talking about getting together, and since I met him off Fetlife (kink community site) sex was on the table for the first time we got together potentially. Because of this I disclosed to him earlier today. He responds saying I should’ve been up front about it, to which I respond saying I felt I was being up front (keep in mind we’ve only talked 4 days intermittently). He said he feels I deceived him and that ends that. So now I’m back to where I started? Am I wrong with waiting to disclose? Should I disclose up front on some sites but not others? Should I just never say a word (especially if it’s likely just going to be a sex thing)? I just don’t know at this point. I think the current course of action is going to be keep the status quo and deal with shit like this when it happens. Then in ~6 months I can re-evaluate things as I’ll be further along on electrolysis so I won’t have morning stubble, and Suporn’s excellent work will be healed to the point it’s basically akin to a cis-vagina to just about anybody.

And then it happened… I climaxed (SRS +4.5 months)

So there I was dilating yesterday morning before work like a good little post-op Suporn girl does at 4.5 months in, and killing time looking at porn on Reddit. As I’m prone to doing. Because politics I can only do for so long. Plus, well… porn. I enjoy pictures and text and stuff. Anyways, so I did most of the dilation with the large but had another 5-10 minutes to go when I came across this story on /r/gonewildstories that was really hot. And I started mentally picturing myself in the girls spot in the story. Now, keep in mind this isn’t abnormal for me to do and I’ve done it most of my life. However, this time as I was dilating with the large dilator I started rubbing the inner labia lips on the exterior part. And it started to feel really good. I remembered feeling that feeling ~5 months ago or so, and knew that was a feeling of, “if I keep this up… I’ll orgasm…”

So I kept it up.

Lo and behold, a few minutes of this I started to feel myself about to fall off the edge into the orgasmic valley below. Then it happened. I orgasmed for the first time with female anatomy. The first time as a woman. The first time since SRS. And holy crap was it awesome. So, now I can’t be unsure if I’ll be able to orgasm again… seeing as I just did lol.

So what did it feel like? Well, to be honest it feel similar to orgasms before SRS post-HRT. Where prior to HRT I had a very localized orgasm feeling that then also would shoot up my spine to the base of my neck, once I got on HRT for a few months it started to change into a thing where it would start in the same spot but kind of be a “glow” and radiate outwards from there that encompassed more of a “whole body” feel to it. Post-SRS, at least the first one, is similar to that. The only thing that I noticed that’s different was it lingered a lot longer. If you’ve ever been with a girl (or seen porn or anything) where they kind of shudder as they are coming down from the post-sex high it was basically like that.

I had to get ready for work pretty quickly after so I couldn’t lay there and enjoy it, however the 20+ minutes of getting ready was spent still feeling it kind of pulsing through my body. The shower that was the first thing was really good and relaxing/enjoyable. The heat from the shower steam+post-orgasm high=win. That said… if I was with a partner I’d want to lay in bed next to them after, not go do things. At least if future orgasms are like the one I had yesterday. I tried again this morning, but unfortunately couldn’t get in the mindset. That’s probably the biggest difference is that now sex is very mental. I need to be mentally turned on or nothing will happen. Before I could kind of “force” myself into the mindset. Now though, not really. Which is sad in a way, but also not because it means I have to work for them a bit more. In theory making them more enjoyable/special when they happen.

In any case, at least that happened so I now know it’s possible. Just a matter of exploring more to find out if there are other ways to have it happen. But that’ll likely come with time as well.