Lesbian sex, more kink, and an interesting weekend (SRS +11.5 months)

As with the past few posts… there might be some NSFW or otherwise uncomfortable content in here. Proceed if you’re okay with that. This is the only warning on this post.

A good friend of mine happened to have SRS last week with a different surgeon here in the US. I’ve attempted to get her to do some guest posts here of her experiences to get an idea from another surgeon and another persons perspective on it, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to. I’ll be doing a more in depth post later as I went out to visit her (luckily could schedule a work trip nearby that I had to do anyways) and have been helping her post-SRS. I’ll say this, it’s a really weird feeling to be on the other side of it and know what they are going through and there is nothing you can do about it. I’ll keep this brief as it’s not the point of this post, however it’s something that might provide some insights into another perspective and will be coming in the near future. On to the main point of this post though.

Recently I went to a kink event that was a weekend long hotel takeover. I went with the main group of kinky friends I have. I got my own room with a girl I spent a week in Germany and Amsterdam with (looks like I forgot to type that up, but was around the time of the job interviewing… I also got together with a girl I met in Chonburi as well… it was an… interesting trip) and a girl I met through kink stuff. We got a room right next to some of the friends group I know with a connecting door. I’m going to refer to the the girl from Amsterdam as Red (get it… Amsterdam, red light district, we were there together… I’m so original) moving forward though.

Red and I have started doing rope shibari practice together and going to kink events together, along with non-kink events. I’ve known her for almost a year now (about a month after the quad fell apart last fall). We had one bed in Europe for a week and only had sex one night in Amsterdam, which was really awkward for me and resulted in me having a total emotional breakdown. That was fun. Point here is that her and I have maintained a friendship across varying experiences, and so we were going to this event as friends. On the way down to this hotel takeover we had a few hours of driving to talk. We ended up talking about a wide variety of things about our views on partners, relationships, sex with men vs women (and how rough guys are fingering many times), and many other topics. After getting to the hotel we got into our room and got ready for the first night of the event. She wasn’t entirely sure what to expect having never gone to something like this, but quickly found herself beating a guy with another girl. We kinda did our own thing in many ways, but then went back to the room around 2 AM.

So here’s where the connecting door and adjoining room thing comes back into play, as they were doing a variety of scenes in there when we were all trying to go to sleep. Red and I were in the same bed and cuddling as we’ve done many times before. Nobody in our room was able to sleep though due to the neighboring room, although we had lights out and eyes closed kind of thing. At one point though Red starts making out with me out of the blue. I’m confused, but went with it since we’d had sex before without it affecting our friendship. She ends up going down on me. This is something that I’m pretty uncomfortable with for some reason. It’s almost like I’m shy or ashamed of things, especially with a cis chick as no matter how amazing the results are… It’s still not a natal vagina. It’s a mental thing I’ve yet to figure out. I also haven’t orgasmed from a partner/sex. I came close with my ex once, but since then haven’t even been close. We switched and I went down on her, she got off a few times, then we just basically cuddled after. The room next to us had quieted down and we went to sleep.

The next day were a lot of classes and workshops (yes, kinky people go to classes to learn how to properly tie, beat, choke, cut, degrade, or do whatever it is you’re into in a safe way). After nap and dinner with Red and the other girl we roomed with, we all got ready for the second night play party. Red was more affectionate and wanting to touch/hold hands/etc which had never really happened before like that. I chalked it up to the endorphin high you get at kink events, which was what I attributed sex to the night before to as well. We all did our own thing again, watching some really cool stuff (suspended hogties are crazy intense to watch), I did an intimate scene with a trans girl who flogged me, etc etc. We got to the room and all passed the hell out as we were dead tired. The next morning we all got up, got our stuff together, and headed out. Something felt different with Red and I though.

When we got back to my place we were talking about taking a nap so I invited her in. We did no napping of any kind to say the least. We started in a domme/sub kind of playing situation (she’s the domme one) before getting into the first time I had lesbian sex with a strap on. Yeah… so… that is pretty fucking amazing. I’ve had sex with ex’s using a strap on pre-SRS, but anal and vaginal sex are way different. Vaginal sex is so much more intimate. Perhaps it’s because there is an emotional connection with the person I was having sex with (much like I had with my out of town friend I hung out with a few weeks ago). Perhaps it’s because she’s very attractive. Whatever the reason is, while I didn’t get off it was highly enjoyable. It also was one of those idyllic days where it’s the perfect temp, windows open, post sex tranquility, birds, and cuddling with a person you care for. I could’ve lived in that moment forever.

Red and I both realized that our relationship had changed through this weekend. We moved things past friendship. Unfortunately into what was clouded by a lot of the things that happen post-kink events. It’s common to get super clingy and needy after these events. We both were having that kind of stuff going on and it made detangling our emotions around one another and where Red and I now were in our relationship was going to have to wait so we both could work through things. I was extremely confused by the whole thing emotionally speaking. When her and I first met on like the third date we had the “what are we” conversation and agreed to be just friends. I’d locked it into that realm since that point. Now I’m being told I can let those emotions out?

We texted throughout the next few days, but then got together for dinner to talk about “what now” and where we were with things. It’s funny, I feel like this is a relationship I’ve had forever, but also that has the “new relationships energy” going strong. We had a great evening together, and by the end of it I could definitively say I was no longer single and now have a gf. That’s weird to type. It’s been so long since I’ve had that and I wasn’t looking for it (which is always the case it seems). The next few months already have some stuff going on that is going to likely strain things a bit, none the least of which is we’ll probably not see one another more than once or twice until September due to schedules and various things in our respective lives. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe the entire way things have developed with Red is a good thing. I’ve never gone from friends to romantic partners before. I’m going to have to curtail a lot of the excitement/enjoyment stuff for the limited amount of time I’ll be able to spend with her for the first few months of things together.

One thing I can say is that I’m confident this isn’t going to be a brief relationship. Like if we’re together in a year from now, I won’t be surprised in the least. I might be looking through rose colored glasses but I’m also kinda optimistic about it. Then there is the guy who I spent the weekend with in another state a few weeks back (although unfortunately him and I haven’t been able to talk much since a conversation about a week later where we both said we had feelings for one another and wanted to explore those… stupid life shit getting in the way lol). Oh, and I’ve got a guy I’ve been talking to extensively that I’m exploring things with as well who is local. I don’t know what has happened, why it’s happened, or why these people want to be in romantic relationships with me. I’m really glad that things are where they are. It’s been a little bit since I’ve been this optimistic about life, especially around my romantic future. Pretty cool to think back to a year ago and see where I am today.

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BDSM/Kink round 2 – WTF just happened?

Warning: Potential triggers ahead. This post involves me trying to work through some extremely intense emotional, mental, sexual, and physical things that came from a BDSM/Kink event and the intense scenes that happened there. This is the only warning I’m putting up for this post. Also… it is long @ ~4000 words. 

Backstory:

I was recently afforded an opportunity to extend an existing trip to meet back up with the guy from the prior BDSM/Kink entry I did a little while back. I’ve stayed in touch with him since then and let him know potential dates I could make work and we found a week/weekend that worked for both of us (along with his partner). I booked the trip, coordinated with them for the travel aspects, and used the time leading up to this to talk with him about potential scenes, teasing him, and all around enjoying the build up to the time together again.

Now that it’s come and gone I need time to process. My first scene and interactions with him were crazy intense. We have a very natural symbiotic ying/yang thing going on and feed off one another’s energy (as the kink world likes to refer to it). It’s crossed between primal, top/bottom, masochist/sadist, and a few other realms with a bunch of sarcasm, levity at times, followed by very physical interactions. He can dish out pain and I take it while provoking him to do more. This isn’t something I’ve found really ever before in quite this way. Going into the weekend I knew I was going to be in for even more than what happened last time, and couldn’t wait.

We talked about things we wanted to do. Him and his partner arranged a house party around it even, where who knew what entirely would happen as we both enjoy going with the flow. I told him some things I wanted to do. Specifically that I needed a really intense scene because it’s been a while. I wanted the shit beaten out of me, to be degraded, and all around get fucked up (and not in the drunken alcoholic way). This might be foreign to many people, especially if you’re not in the kink realm. I used to have issues with light tapping with a paint stick. Now I’m getting my ass beaten until I can hardly walk and begging for more. It’s weird how that’s changed. Information is elsewhere about that stuff though and why it works.

I had left the outfit I had planned to wear to this party at home though, so I had to find another. I went to Victoria’s Secret and found exactly what I wanted. I sent him a text of the bag saying I got him a surprise. This was the first time in my life I’ve bought lingerie to explicitly surprise a guy in that way. While the gender of the partner was part of it, just going into a store randomly to pick up an outfit just because you know they’ll enjoy it is highly recommended. Now post-SRS I can do that. It’s pretty liberating.

Friday his partner picks me up and we hang out for the next few hours until he gets home. Her and I got along very well and she has some similar things she’s wrestled with in her own life that I can kind of relate to from my own, which was awesome to have that in common. He gets home and we picked up right where we left off on the connection side of things. The three of us went out to dinner and had a great time. We walked around downtown after with my hand around his arm along with his partners on his other arm and I just enjoyed it. I was happy being seen as one of “his girls.” There was an element of  BDSM feeling here on the dom/sub side, along with an element of romantic side, but even though that stuff might not be there today… it felt that it was.

After getting back we all talked and stuff, but then him and I started playing a bit. He started by making me go down on him on the couch for a while before going up to the bedroom where we had sex. While I still didn’t cum from it, holy fuck. Feeling him inside, looking at him while he fucked me, having him doing things to see my reaction… Yeah, I need to find some more sex like that lol. Afterwords we cuddled and talked about some of the things that might happen the next day, along with just talking and connecting/bonding/etc for a while before going to bed.

Saturday we got up, and all hung out for a few while eating breakfast. But there was a lot of work to do to prep for the party later that evening. We spent the day cleaning and getting things ready for that. There was going to be ~20 or so people that were likely going to show up and I knew that he had planned to beat me heavily, but that was about it. He did allude to the potential of doing a scene with him and others as well, or at least we should talk about what that would look like if it were to be a possibility. Somebody had also brought some edibles which I partook in. I mean #Gingersnaps. Like best cookie ever. About an hour later I was definitely high and feeling some anxiety around things that might happen. From here on it’s kind of a blur and this is the point I start needing to work through what happened…

Scene 1

First he brings his toy bag and hands it to me to take upstairs where he set up a flogging bench. I instigated a little by not taking it up right away as I knew he would’ve expected me to do it right away. I instead was talking to people in just lingerie and was definitely getting a lot of attention thrown my direction. I still don’t get this though (introspection topic 1). People see me as hot. They want me. They see me as a desirable woman. I talked with him today about it because he said similar… And I just don’t get it. To think I could go tell that child that prayed to wake up as a girl that one day they would wake up as exactly that makes me just about speechless. It seems incomprehensible to me. Both women and men. This is the first thing I am trying to wrap my head around chronologically at least. Perhaps not as “heavy” as the rest of the things in here, but it is something that weighs on my mind. As we were going upstairs (yeah, he finally noticed I hadn’t taken the bag up #Brat) I realize like the entire party almost is following. The bedroom this takes place in has probably 15 or so people sitting watching what’s about to happen. Remember that edible that seemed to be making me anxious? Yeah… I was on the verge of a mini panic attack (FYI – this is why you don’t kink and drug/alcohol kids… play sober or get run over by emotions and potentially worse). I knew when eating the edible I shouldn’t as I was playing later but I did. This was irresponsible on my part and could’ve seriously ruined the scene with him as I don’t have a ton of experience with being high from weed (edibles or otherwise).

If you read the first BDSM post, people watched during that scene too. But this was different. This was a legitimate audience complete with tiered seating. I have some issues with my pussy being seen still so I asked him to let me leave the thong on which I did. He laid out various toys on the dresser in front of me and let me choose to veto any of them I needed/wanted to. I told him one was going to be a yellow (i.e. proceed with caution) from the start and to be careful with it. Otherwise he was free to do what he wanted. I got tied to the bench with some rope to hold me still a bit as I can take a lot more when I have something to resist against. Holy fuck did he beat me though. He spent 95% of his time on the waist down. Ass, upper legs, lower legs, soles of the feet, etc. This was really intense physically for me, but it was also emotionally intense. At one point I started breaking down because I thought of my ex, and wished she was there with me through it so I could be with her after (introspection topic 2). It also just fired off super intense emotional feelings around a whole slew of things. It was the most intense when he started on my back, which I wanted more of. I don’t know why but that almost instantly fired off a crying emotional response. Quick note here though, for those unfamiliar with BDSM this is quite common for intense scenes and is not a problem provided all parties know how to handle this kind of stuff.

He was in total control of me and my emotional responses. He crafted this narrative and I told him when I first felt emotions hitting that I might have a breakdown and that’s okay, but he should be aware that it might happen. I tried not to make it super obvious to people watching that it was happening (some of them were newer to kink and even though he gave a disclaimer up front that we’ve talked through things and have experience with this stuff that might seem crazy, don’t be alarmed), but they might’ve seen. My emotions were exposed for all to see. People I had never met before. People who might say something to others in the kink realm and make it harder for me to find scenes in the future with people I want to do stuff with. I didn’t care. I needed to let go that night and he provided a safe space to do it in. The problem was that I was basically trying to ramp things up more and more, until eventually he decided to end it at a point and bring it back down. This was the right call by him and while I could’ve taken more and wanted more, he could tell I was basically just artificially doping my psyche and knows how problematic that can be if unchecked.

After a while of beating my legs with canes, paddles, floggers, and a bunch of other things he undid some of the ties. From here he moved into breath play, i.e. choking. He pulled me to sitting up on my legs, then started restricting the blood flow to the brain. If you ever played the “pass out game” or “choking game” as a kid you know what this is like. The difference is it’s with somebody who is an adult and knows how to do it safely, unlike kids. It’s kind of weird in a way how it works though. You’re awake, but then feel yourself drifting off. Until eventually you just go limp. Then you restore blood flow and you come back pretty quick. However, this amplified the high from the edibles and emotions/physical endorphin release from earlier in the scene. I wanted more of that, but he didn’t oblige (rightfully so).

After this we cuddled. Many people told me how awesome it was to watch and thanked me for letting them see it. I was very out of it. Very much in “subspace”/”headspace”. The best way I can describe it is similar to being high, but you’re also kind of delirious. You’re all over the place. I tried my best to respond and talk to people and all, and only hope I didn’t say/do anything stupid. I tried to just keep to myself but that wasn’t on others agenda as they wanted to talk/socialize/etc. Since I was staying in that house I tried to oblige and help be a decent “host”. It wasn’t a problem them talking to me I just was trying to process my own shit around the emotions and internal stuff that was brought out through that scene, and talking didn’t help facilitate that. We relocated for a few to another room.

Interlude/Scene 2 prep:

He brought up the second scene again and that there was interest in doing a style of degradation scene I’ve wanted to do. I’m opting not to go into specifics here beyond that because of a few reasons, but mainly because I want to keep it close. I generally am very open and will talk about anything. Not this. So I’m going to be a little more vague here than perhaps I otherwise would be.

I told him I was game, but there were caveats to that. First off, I didn’t want to see anybody. I wanted to be blindfolded and put my trust in him to control the scene again and ensure I was good. Soon after this part of negotiation-y stuff, it hit me. The emotions. They hit me like a fucking fully loaded freight train going at airplane speeds. I talked to him about it through my tears. As I write this I’m having a mild break down again. It’s not a bad thing. It’s a happy thing. I spent so much of my life wishing, wanting, fantasizing about, watching others do things like this scene (porn or in real life) and here it was. Somebody who I’d met once before put a lot of time and energy into putting together this scene for me. I had asked partners to do things like this for me, and it was never done. Here somebody is that has no obligation to me, putting something like this together. This was really powerful to me. It’s one of the bigger thing that I’ll be processing for a bit. Like people being interested in me, I just don’t get why somebody would do this for me (introspection topic 3).

Then there was the fact that here I am being able to be the person I dreamed of being. In order for this to have been possible the past ~3 years had to happen. If the things in those three years hadn’t happened, this wouldn’t have been possible. SRS was even needed, even though nobody was touching my pussy through this entire scene. I was seen as a woman by these people. None of them, except the two I was staying with, knew I was trans. I talked to him about this and explained why this might be really hard for me and there was no way for me to know how I’d react/respond in this kind of scene. I have literally never done something like it before, and that this thing I’ve wanted and dreamed about for so many years is happening… I knew it was going to be really hard for me but I had to do it. For myself. I couldn’t let myself say no. He helped me get myself back together and then we moved back into the living room where somebody had brought a blindfold like this one that blocked all light.

Scene 2:

He put the mask on, then led me back upstairs to the other bedroom. By the time I took the twenty or so steps to the stairs I was pretty out of it. Sensory deprivation on this level was something totally different than anything I’ve done before. Coupled with the high, the first scene, the emotions from that first scene, the emotions from this one, the breath play, and all the other things going on I got into a really fucked up head space really quick. The world disappeared. I knew I was still in it because I could hear. But I couldn’t see anything. I didn’t know who was where. I could no longer identify voices entirely correct. I lost track of time. Of people. Of who was in the room and who wasn’t. Of where he was. Of where anybody was. Of what was about to come or what to expect. This let me disconnect from reality. My body was being handled by my subconscious. My conscious mind was floating. It was in this black ethereal world. If you’ve ever gone spelunking and they turned off all lights and you sat in silence in a cave tunnel you’ll know how disorienting this is. It’s really rare for humans to have true total darkness and fucks with you when it happens.

I wish I could explain more in depth here but I can’t. I just don’t know how. I don’t know what to say. How to explain it. All I know is this was a scene I’ve wanted, but being in it and reflecting upon it I’m not sure how I feel about it. I certainly don’t regret it. I don’t know what to do with it though. I don’t know if I want to really even put out there I did this scene as while I enjoyed it, I’m not sure I want it really out there at all. I needed to do this for myself, and to experience it now that I finally can (introspection topic 4). 

After the main part of the scene I was led back downstairs and the mask taken off. It took me a while to adjust to the lighting. It was overload for a while. Perhaps one of the most interesting things about this part was the need for human touch/connection/something. If I didn’t have somebody touching me or paying attention to my safety/mental state/etc I’d start to get super anxious, afraid of being alone, and kinda going a little unstable. Coupled with the intensity that I had with this guy, I was wanting to follow him around like a lost puppy dog kind of thing. I just wanted to be clingy as shit. I did my best not to be, and he was perfect through it doing what I needed him to do to bring me down softly.

Immediate aftermath:

I was out of it the rest of the night. I could tell I was off but was just “floaty”. I wasn’t present. I didn’t know what I was talking about. I’d form circular conversations. In many ways it was similar to how I was on morphine drip post SRS where I just told my ex how much I loved her in different ways every time I woke up (or so it seemed and to the best of my knowledge). I was loopy. I bounced around and couldn’t focus on anything. I told the couple I was staying with I would need them to help me get my stuff together for the trip home. To the point I had asked him if he’d just make sure I got on flights I needed to get on because I wasn’t sure I’d be able to handle it on my own. I fly all the time for work so I’m extremely adept at traveling. These scenes messed with me to the point I wasn’t sure I could function getting home. I managed to not need it and got home just fine.

The entire time though I was wrestling with issues around being post-op and post-transition in many ways, and what that means. I’m not sure anybody there “knew”, and I don’t think it was actually mentioned at all honestly. Does that mean I should ease my rule of having to tell people before playing? Does it mean realistically me saying I’m “trans” is pointless for kink partners? I’m now “there”, in other words that second scene basically means I’m living the life I always wanted as up until recently that could never have happened. I really wish I could elaborate more, but I’m having trouble finding the words to describe these feelings.

Then there is the aspect of the relationship with this guy. He’s got a long term partner, and I’d never want to do anything to jeopardize what they have. I respect them both too much to risk putting my emotions out there potentially causing issues for them or create “drama.” What I did see is a guy I could see a relationship with, and what that could look like. Not with him, but with a guy like him. The “trans” thing doesn’t seem to matter at all for him which is hard to find with men or women. This really digs at a deeper issue that I can’t seem to resolve, one which may or may not be related to being trans.

Specifically, I don’t feel I can find people who want to be with me more than for casual scenes. Nobody wants a romantic relationship with me that I’m aware of. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying “poor me” but instead I’m trying to figure out why that seemingly is the case. I know the people I’m looking for are hard to find. Regardless of gender I want to find a relationship with one or more partners where we want to build something together longer term. I want somebody I can love implicitly, who loves me the same way. I want somebody I can either explore kink/BDSM with, or at minimum supports me exploring it. I want somebody who has goals and works towards them. I want somebody with a career. Somebody who doesn’t care about this trans shit of my past. I’ve found one or two people who fit everything I want, but for whatever reason they didn’t feel the same (or otherwise can’t or choose not to pursue a relationship together).

Where does this leave me? Well, I had an amazing weekend with people I care about as friends at minimum. I got to experience a scene I never thought possible. I got reminded there are amazing people out there who do want to put effort into my happiness and helping me to explore this post-transition life I am lucky enough to experience. It has been hard though emotionally and internally. I wish I could’ve honestly recorded my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and my perspective through that party because so much was going through my head that I can’t even begin to remember everything. This post is perhaps the best record of that night since I couldn’t recorded everything I’d have wanted to. I think it did unlock a new door in post-transition life and moving on.

Two years. What a ride.

Two years ago I took my first pills of HRT. I had no idea what to expect. Would I lose my job? What about family/friends? What about my house? I was starting from a place of being somewhat content with life. I wasn’t depressed (I didn’t think), I wasn’t unhappy with my body, I hadn’t tried any self-harm either. But I knew I’d always wished I’d been born a girl. At that point in time I had wished I had started it a decade prior as I was in my later 20’s at the time, so I thought there was no way I’d be able to pass. But I also didn’t want to try to “tough it out”, and end up in my late 30’s going “fuck I wish I had started a decade ago” like I did at that point. So I went for it, as I could always stop if I felt it wasn’t right or what I wanted.

And the past two years have been crazy. In that amount of time I got a new job so I could transition professionally (has has been amazing for transition support as well as professional development). I legally changed my name which was one of the scariest points for me I think for some reason. Well up until SRS. Going full time wasn’t even that bad. There were uncertainties sure, but the legal name change was the “line in the sand” so to speak. Once I did that there really was no going back. And I think I knew that at the time which was why it was so hard. I had one partner who really was the one who helped me through that point in time, and I’ll always be grateful to her for that. Because she provided the encouragement I needed to actually walk out of my house and go to the court house to submit the docs. Once I dropped those off though getting to today became an eventuality, not an uncertainty.

SRS was another point that was pretty hard. And my other partner did more than I could’ve ever asked or hope a partner could (or would be able to) do by going with me and staying for a few weeks. I know I could’ve done it on my own, and I had planned to. But having her there was amazing, mainly for the emotional aspects. There’s a quote from the show Firefly that pretty much sums up exactly what those two partners did for me over the past two years: “When you can’t run, you crawl. And when you can’t crawl, when you can’t do that ….. you find someone to carry you.” Which they did time and time again. At minimum they would give me support to get back up when I needed it most.

So, if the two of you who really helped me through these past two years happen across this… Thank you for being the best support I could’ve ever asked for.

I’m now in a not too different place from where I started outside of the whole “being seen as a male vs female” from the outside world perspective. When I started this I was single, had a good job, and was on the edge of a lot of changes. I’m at a similar place now being single, good job, and on the verge of making some pretty big changes. But… now I’m doing them as the person I always wished I had been born as. And nobody I meet moving forward will ever know that persona I had built up prior to transitioning. And I am really happy about that.

 

Post op, but not post trans – Dating as a trans woman

So, as of late my personal life has kind of gone to hell. I lost people I saw as family. One of them was somebody I loved more than others before. I lost two roommates which changes my financial outlook. And I’m still recovering from SRS. It’s been a rough past 6 months. It really has been. But, that’s life. And I’ve gotten through it. I’m now at a point where I feel I can start going out and dating again though, at least casually as I’m not over that poly group ending and don’t expect to be over that for a while to come still. But, I won’t sit around at home feeling sorry for myself about it. So, dating it is (along with other things like returning to exercising regularly and cooking more and getting my house to a place I could sell in the spring if I wanted). But… Now we’re back to one of my first posts:

To stealth or not?

In that post I talk a bit about what my thoughts were around post-op dating life. And unsurprisingly some of it is accurate. Mainly that at this point (4.5 months post) I can get away without disclosing I’m trans if I were to choose to do so to a large extent. Right now about the only stuff that “outs” me is facial hair since electrolysis isn’t completed (hey girls… if you’re going to transition… start electrolysis yesterday… better yet, last year), sometimes my voice is still deeper (i.e. I don’t think about it or care in the situation), and my vagina still is healing. Although there, in the dark, there is no way to tell. I only know because of what I’m looking for and as long as somebody doesn’t go down to inspect they wouldn’t be able to tell. There are scar lines and things are a bit swollen still, but now it basically falls within the neo-natal vaginal spectrum on a looks perspective. And I’ve gone on dates in the past month where after I told her I was told she didn’t know for sure, but suspected due to my hand size. Which in post-puberty transitioning mtf girls can be larger than cis-women (although certainly not a sure-fire way to “know”).

So I don’t have to disclose I’m trans. But if I don’t, as discussed in that post, I’d have to cut out a lot of my current life. And I don’t want to do that right now. So, that means I’ll need to disclose at some point during the dating process. So when do I disclose it? Up front is great and all, but the down side is then you have to deal with shit from people harassing you. Or, further, is the professional concern once I leave the job I transitioned at. Okay, not in my profile, but should I before the first date? Well if I do that then a bunch of people will duck out and bail, which I’m okay with but then that just points back to disclosing in my profile because it would weed them out from the start. And, if I don’t see any potential with them then why did they need to know? Doing this means I then go to the first date without disclosing. Which date do I disclose on then? Well if I’m going to disclose it needs to be before sex. So somewhere between the first and 3rd-4th most likely. I thought this was a solid strategy. Until today.

I’ve been talking to a guy for the past 3-4 days off and on. I didn’t say anything about being trans. He starts talking about getting together, and since I met him off Fetlife (kink community site) sex was on the table for the first time we got together potentially. Because of this I disclosed to him earlier today. He responds saying I should’ve been up front about it, to which I respond saying I felt I was being up front (keep in mind we’ve only talked 4 days intermittently). He said he feels I deceived him and that ends that. So now I’m back to where I started? Am I wrong with waiting to disclose? Should I disclose up front on some sites but not others? Should I just never say a word (especially if it’s likely just going to be a sex thing)? I just don’t know at this point. I think the current course of action is going to be keep the status quo and deal with shit like this when it happens. Then in ~6 months I can re-evaluate things as I’ll be further along on electrolysis so I won’t have morning stubble, and Suporn’s excellent work will be healed to the point it’s basically akin to a cis-vagina to just about anybody.

4 weeks

A lot can happen in 4 weeks. But all I want is for the next 4 weeks to go quickly. Well more accurately, the next 3.5 weeks. I can’t wait to get SRS. My sex drive has come back this past week, and god how I’ve missed it. Perhaps it was Vegas and how great of a week that was. Perhaps it’s thinking about post-SRS sex and that it’s actually happening soon. I really can’t tell you why I have a sex drive again, but I do. And now the problem is I want to be on the receiving end so bad… but can’t really do that due to issues with current anatomy.

In any case, I woke up this morning and realized that in 4 weeks from today I’ll be woken up to do day of pre-surgery prep, wheeled into an operating room for my first major medical procedure, get placed under an anesthetic (for the first time outside of local ones), and then wake up an instant later (in my perception) groggy, in pain, and with a vagina. And that is an amazing thought. For the first time I’ll look down… and see no bulge. Well, I mean I will at first because I’ll be one swollen bitch, but it won’t be the same.

It’s a little surprising that I don’t really have any fears about this at this point. I mean sure I have some fears, but really the only one is around finances because I haven’t had enough time to shovel as much money aside as I wanted to. If this was done next year I’d be really in a very comfortable place. But it’s not. It’s this year, and I’m having to scrape together every cent I can to make sure it’s funded and bills are paid. But this is one time where if I have to incur interest charges for a few months to do this, it’s worth it. I’ll figure out the rest later.

So, in short… these next few weeks will feel like an eternity.

My how quickly things can change

So I’ve been having a great time in Vegas this week. Learned a ton of awesome stuff professionally speaking, and outside of two people (I work with both) nobody knew I was trans. Everybody was seeing me, treating me, and interacting with me the same as if I were a cis chick. And it was wonderful. I had one guy I talked to for a bit ask me about being a woman in IT. I had another guy who was hitting on me, although later said “I’m not hitting on you… I’m married”, and his coworker suggest we get drinks. I hung out with other people through the week who once again saw me as any other chick.

And, holy hell is it fun being one of the only chicks at a tech conference. Especially being 6’2 without heels, and everyday (except one… my feet hurt like hell after walking 7-8 miles/day in heels) was towering over most people. And I loved it. It’s been the first time in a long time I could actually forget I was trans. I felt like a chick. Granted there were a ton of other girls I was envious of and looked at thinking they were more female than I could ever be essentially. But hey, in 32 days that might start to go away.

However, looks like good things must come to an end (or a hiatus at minimum). I am waiting for my one gf to get here in about 3 hours or so. I figured I would go read some nerd books (network overlays specifically… i.e. OTV, Fabricpath, VXLAN, etc. Why that’s relevant? No idea since people reading this blog likely won’t be looking for that stuff haha) at the pool and get some sun. So, I threw on the same swimsuit I was comfortable wearing in Hilton head 2 months ago, put on a light dress for the walk down, and stop to take a pic of me with my nerd book real quick. And that’s when it hit me: I don’t have tits.

Even though this push up top helps, it doesn’t help enough with the aforementioned 6’2 thing. It looks like I barely have an A cup. So instead of going and enjoying life, I am paralyzed by this yet again. And the worst part is SRS won’t fix it and I don’t have the $5k or so to get BA (breast aug) at the same time. So now I’ve got 3 hours to kill and I don’t know what to do outside of gamble, drink, or hang out in my room by myself in Vegas if I rule out the pool thing.

You know what, perhaps Cisco Live’s slogan this year is appropriate: Your Time Is Now. My time is now. So I’m off. To go bury my head in a book while I listen to music to distract myself from this anxiety issue. But at least I’ll be doing what I want to be doing for a bit.