Lesbian sex, more kink, and an interesting weekend (SRS +11.5 months)

As with the past few posts… there might be some NSFW or otherwise uncomfortable content in here. Proceed if you’re okay with that. This is the only warning on this post.

A good friend of mine happened to have SRS last week with a different surgeon here in the US. I’ve attempted to get her to do some guest posts here of her experiences to get an idea from another surgeon and another persons perspective on it, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to. I’ll be doing a more in depth post later as I went out to visit her (luckily could schedule a work trip nearby that I had to do anyways) and have been helping her post-SRS. I’ll say this, it’s a really weird feeling to be on the other side of it and know what they are going through and there is nothing you can do about it. I’ll keep this brief as it’s not the point of this post, however it’s something that might provide some insights into another perspective and will be coming in the near future. On to the main point of this post though.

Recently I went to a kink event that was a weekend long hotel takeover. I went with the main group of kinky friends I have. I got my own room with a girl I spent a week in Germany and Amsterdam with (looks like I forgot to type that up, but was around the time of the job interviewing… I also got together with a girl I met in Chonburi as well… it was an… interesting trip) and a girl I met through kink stuff. We got a room right next to some of the friends group I know with a connecting door. I’m going to refer to the the girl from Amsterdam as Red (get it… Amsterdam, red light district, we were there together… I’m so original) moving forward though.

Red and I have started doing rope shibari practice together and going to kink events together, along with non-kink events. I’ve known her for almost a year now (about a month after the quad fell apart last fall). We had one bed in Europe for a week and only had sex one night in Amsterdam, which was really awkward for me and resulted in me having a total emotional breakdown. That was fun. Point here is that her and I have maintained a friendship across varying experiences, and so we were going to this event as friends. On the way down to this hotel takeover we had a few hours of driving to talk. We ended up talking about a wide variety of things about our views on partners, relationships, sex with men vs women (and how rough guys are fingering many times), and many other topics. After getting to the hotel we got into our room and got ready for the first night of the event. She wasn’t entirely sure what to expect having never gone to something like this, but quickly found herself beating a guy with another girl. We kinda did our own thing in many ways, but then went back to the room around 2 AM.

So here’s where the connecting door and adjoining room thing comes back into play, as they were doing a variety of scenes in there when we were all trying to go to sleep. Red and I were in the same bed and cuddling as we’ve done many times before. Nobody in our room was able to sleep though due to the neighboring room, although we had lights out and eyes closed kind of thing. At one point though Red starts making out with me out of the blue. I’m confused, but went with it since we’d had sex before without it affecting our friendship. She ends up going down on me. This is something that I’m pretty uncomfortable with for some reason. It’s almost like I’m shy or ashamed of things, especially with a cis chick as no matter how amazing the results are… It’s still not a natal vagina. It’s a mental thing I’ve yet to figure out. I also haven’t orgasmed from a partner/sex. I came close with my ex once, but since then haven’t even been close. We switched and I went down on her, she got off a few times, then we just basically cuddled after. The room next to us had quieted down and we went to sleep.

The next day were a lot of classes and workshops (yes, kinky people go to classes to learn how to properly tie, beat, choke, cut, degrade, or do whatever it is you’re into in a safe way). After nap and dinner with Red and the other girl we roomed with, we all got ready for the second night play party. Red was more affectionate and wanting to touch/hold hands/etc which had never really happened before like that. I chalked it up to the endorphin high you get at kink events, which was what I attributed sex to the night before to as well. We all did our own thing again, watching some really cool stuff (suspended hogties are crazy intense to watch), I did an intimate scene with a trans girl who flogged me, etc etc. We got to the room and all passed the hell out as we were dead tired. The next morning we all got up, got our stuff together, and headed out. Something felt different with Red and I though.

When we got back to my place we were talking about taking a nap so I invited her in. We did no napping of any kind to say the least. We started in a domme/sub kind of playing situation (she’s the domme one) before getting into the first time I had lesbian sex with a strap on. Yeah… so… that is pretty fucking amazing. I’ve had sex with ex’s using a strap on pre-SRS, but anal and vaginal sex are way different. Vaginal sex is so much more intimate. Perhaps it’s because there is an emotional connection with the person I was having sex with (much like I had with my out of town friend I hung out with a few weeks ago). Perhaps it’s because she’s very attractive. Whatever the reason is, while I didn’t get off it was highly enjoyable. It also was one of those idyllic days where it’s the perfect temp, windows open, post sex tranquility, birds, and cuddling with a person you care for. I could’ve lived in that moment forever.

Red and I both realized that our relationship had changed through this weekend. We moved things past friendship. Unfortunately into what was clouded by a lot of the things that happen post-kink events. It’s common to get super clingy and needy after these events. We both were having that kind of stuff going on and it made detangling our emotions around one another and where Red and I now were in our relationship was going to have to wait so we both could work through things. I was extremely confused by the whole thing emotionally speaking. When her and I first met on like the third date we had the “what are we” conversation and agreed to be just friends. I’d locked it into that realm since that point. Now I’m being told I can let those emotions out?

We texted throughout the next few days, but then got together for dinner to talk about “what now” and where we were with things. It’s funny, I feel like this is a relationship I’ve had forever, but also that has the “new relationships energy” going strong. We had a great evening together, and by the end of it I could definitively say I was no longer single and now have a gf. That’s weird to type. It’s been so long since I’ve had that and I wasn’t looking for it (which is always the case it seems). The next few months already have some stuff going on that is going to likely strain things a bit, none the least of which is we’ll probably not see one another more than once or twice until September due to schedules and various things in our respective lives. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe the entire way things have developed with Red is a good thing. I’ve never gone from friends to romantic partners before. I’m going to have to curtail a lot of the excitement/enjoyment stuff for the limited amount of time I’ll be able to spend with her for the first few months of things together.

One thing I can say is that I’m confident this isn’t going to be a brief relationship. Like if we’re together in a year from now, I won’t be surprised in the least. I might be looking through rose colored glasses but I’m also kinda optimistic about it. Then there is the guy who I spent the weekend with in another state a few weeks back (although unfortunately him and I haven’t been able to talk much since a conversation about a week later where we both said we had feelings for one another and wanted to explore those… stupid life shit getting in the way lol). Oh, and I’ve got a guy I’ve been talking to extensively that I’m exploring things with as well who is local. I don’t know what has happened, why it’s happened, or why these people want to be in romantic relationships with me. I’m really glad that things are where they are. It’s been a little bit since I’ve been this optimistic about life, especially around my romantic future. Pretty cool to think back to a year ago and see where I am today.

BDSM/Kink round 2 – WTF just happened?

Warning: Potential triggers ahead. This post involves me trying to work through some extremely intense emotional, mental, sexual, and physical things that came from a BDSM/Kink event and the intense scenes that happened there. This is the only warning I’m putting up for this post. Also… it is long @ ~4000 words. 

Backstory:

I was recently afforded an opportunity to extend an existing trip to meet back up with the guy from the prior BDSM/Kink entry I did a little while back. I’ve stayed in touch with him since then and let him know potential dates I could make work and we found a week/weekend that worked for both of us (along with his partner). I booked the trip, coordinated with them for the travel aspects, and used the time leading up to this to talk with him about potential scenes, teasing him, and all around enjoying the build up to the time together again.

Now that it’s come and gone I need time to process. My first scene and interactions with him were crazy intense. We have a very natural symbiotic ying/yang thing going on and feed off one another’s energy (as the kink world likes to refer to it). It’s crossed between primal, top/bottom, masochist/sadist, and a few other realms with a bunch of sarcasm, levity at times, followed by very physical interactions. He can dish out pain and I take it while provoking him to do more. This isn’t something I’ve found really ever before in quite this way. Going into the weekend I knew I was going to be in for even more than what happened last time, and couldn’t wait.

We talked about things we wanted to do. Him and his partner arranged a house party around it even, where who knew what entirely would happen as we both enjoy going with the flow. I told him some things I wanted to do. Specifically that I needed a really intense scene because it’s been a while. I wanted the shit beaten out of me, to be degraded, and all around get fucked up (and not in the drunken alcoholic way). This might be foreign to many people, especially if you’re not in the kink realm. I used to have issues with light tapping with a paint stick. Now I’m getting my ass beaten until I can hardly walk and begging for more. It’s weird how that’s changed. Information is elsewhere about that stuff though and why it works.

I had left the outfit I had planned to wear to this party at home though, so I had to find another. I went to Victoria’s Secret and found exactly what I wanted. I sent him a text of the bag saying I got him a surprise. This was the first time in my life I’ve bought lingerie to explicitly surprise a guy in that way. While the gender of the partner was part of it, just going into a store randomly to pick up an outfit just because you know they’ll enjoy it is highly recommended. Now post-SRS I can do that. It’s pretty liberating.

Friday his partner picks me up and we hang out for the next few hours until he gets home. Her and I got along very well and she has some similar things she’s wrestled with in her own life that I can kind of relate to from my own, which was awesome to have that in common. He gets home and we picked up right where we left off on the connection side of things. The three of us went out to dinner and had a great time. We walked around downtown after with my hand around his arm along with his partners on his other arm and I just enjoyed it. I was happy being seen as one of “his girls.” There was an element of  BDSM feeling here on the dom/sub side, along with an element of romantic side, but even though that stuff might not be there today… it felt that it was.

After getting back we all talked and stuff, but then him and I started playing a bit. He started by making me go down on him on the couch for a while before going up to the bedroom where we had sex. While I still didn’t cum from it, holy fuck. Feeling him inside, looking at him while he fucked me, having him doing things to see my reaction… Yeah, I need to find some more sex like that lol. Afterwords we cuddled and talked about some of the things that might happen the next day, along with just talking and connecting/bonding/etc for a while before going to bed.

Saturday we got up, and all hung out for a few while eating breakfast. But there was a lot of work to do to prep for the party later that evening. We spent the day cleaning and getting things ready for that. There was going to be ~20 or so people that were likely going to show up and I knew that he had planned to beat me heavily, but that was about it. He did allude to the potential of doing a scene with him and others as well, or at least we should talk about what that would look like if it were to be a possibility. Somebody had also brought some edibles which I partook in. I mean #Gingersnaps. Like best cookie ever. About an hour later I was definitely high and feeling some anxiety around things that might happen. From here on it’s kind of a blur and this is the point I start needing to work through what happened…

Scene 1

First he brings his toy bag and hands it to me to take upstairs where he set up a flogging bench. I instigated a little by not taking it up right away as I knew he would’ve expected me to do it right away. I instead was talking to people in just lingerie and was definitely getting a lot of attention thrown my direction. I still don’t get this though (introspection topic 1). People see me as hot. They want me. They see me as a desirable woman. I talked with him today about it because he said similar… And I just don’t get it. To think I could go tell that child that prayed to wake up as a girl that one day they would wake up as exactly that makes me just about speechless. It seems incomprehensible to me. Both women and men. This is the first thing I am trying to wrap my head around chronologically at least. Perhaps not as “heavy” as the rest of the things in here, but it is something that weighs on my mind. As we were going upstairs (yeah, he finally noticed I hadn’t taken the bag up #Brat) I realize like the entire party almost is following. The bedroom this takes place in has probably 15 or so people sitting watching what’s about to happen. Remember that edible that seemed to be making me anxious? Yeah… I was on the verge of a mini panic attack (FYI – this is why you don’t kink and drug/alcohol kids… play sober or get run over by emotions and potentially worse). I knew when eating the edible I shouldn’t as I was playing later but I did. This was irresponsible on my part and could’ve seriously ruined the scene with him as I don’t have a ton of experience with being high from weed (edibles or otherwise).

If you read the first BDSM post, people watched during that scene too. But this was different. This was a legitimate audience complete with tiered seating. I have some issues with my pussy being seen still so I asked him to let me leave the thong on which I did. He laid out various toys on the dresser in front of me and let me choose to veto any of them I needed/wanted to. I told him one was going to be a yellow (i.e. proceed with caution) from the start and to be careful with it. Otherwise he was free to do what he wanted. I got tied to the bench with some rope to hold me still a bit as I can take a lot more when I have something to resist against. Holy fuck did he beat me though. He spent 95% of his time on the waist down. Ass, upper legs, lower legs, soles of the feet, etc. This was really intense physically for me, but it was also emotionally intense. At one point I started breaking down because I thought of my ex, and wished she was there with me through it so I could be with her after (introspection topic 2). It also just fired off super intense emotional feelings around a whole slew of things. It was the most intense when he started on my back, which I wanted more of. I don’t know why but that almost instantly fired off a crying emotional response. Quick note here though, for those unfamiliar with BDSM this is quite common for intense scenes and is not a problem provided all parties know how to handle this kind of stuff.

He was in total control of me and my emotional responses. He crafted this narrative and I told him when I first felt emotions hitting that I might have a breakdown and that’s okay, but he should be aware that it might happen. I tried not to make it super obvious to people watching that it was happening (some of them were newer to kink and even though he gave a disclaimer up front that we’ve talked through things and have experience with this stuff that might seem crazy, don’t be alarmed), but they might’ve seen. My emotions were exposed for all to see. People I had never met before. People who might say something to others in the kink realm and make it harder for me to find scenes in the future with people I want to do stuff with. I didn’t care. I needed to let go that night and he provided a safe space to do it in. The problem was that I was basically trying to ramp things up more and more, until eventually he decided to end it at a point and bring it back down. This was the right call by him and while I could’ve taken more and wanted more, he could tell I was basically just artificially doping my psyche and knows how problematic that can be if unchecked.

After a while of beating my legs with canes, paddles, floggers, and a bunch of other things he undid some of the ties. From here he moved into breath play, i.e. choking. He pulled me to sitting up on my legs, then started restricting the blood flow to the brain. If you ever played the “pass out game” or “choking game” as a kid you know what this is like. The difference is it’s with somebody who is an adult and knows how to do it safely, unlike kids. It’s kind of weird in a way how it works though. You’re awake, but then feel yourself drifting off. Until eventually you just go limp. Then you restore blood flow and you come back pretty quick. However, this amplified the high from the edibles and emotions/physical endorphin release from earlier in the scene. I wanted more of that, but he didn’t oblige (rightfully so).

After this we cuddled. Many people told me how awesome it was to watch and thanked me for letting them see it. I was very out of it. Very much in “subspace”/”headspace”. The best way I can describe it is similar to being high, but you’re also kind of delirious. You’re all over the place. I tried my best to respond and talk to people and all, and only hope I didn’t say/do anything stupid. I tried to just keep to myself but that wasn’t on others agenda as they wanted to talk/socialize/etc. Since I was staying in that house I tried to oblige and help be a decent “host”. It wasn’t a problem them talking to me I just was trying to process my own shit around the emotions and internal stuff that was brought out through that scene, and talking didn’t help facilitate that. We relocated for a few to another room.

Interlude/Scene 2 prep:

He brought up the second scene again and that there was interest in doing a style of degradation scene I’ve wanted to do. I’m opting not to go into specifics here beyond that because of a few reasons, but mainly because I want to keep it close. I generally am very open and will talk about anything. Not this. So I’m going to be a little more vague here than perhaps I otherwise would be.

I told him I was game, but there were caveats to that. First off, I didn’t want to see anybody. I wanted to be blindfolded and put my trust in him to control the scene again and ensure I was good. Soon after this part of negotiation-y stuff, it hit me. The emotions. They hit me like a fucking fully loaded freight train going at airplane speeds. I talked to him about it through my tears. As I write this I’m having a mild break down again. It’s not a bad thing. It’s a happy thing. I spent so much of my life wishing, wanting, fantasizing about, watching others do things like this scene (porn or in real life) and here it was. Somebody who I’d met once before put a lot of time and energy into putting together this scene for me. I had asked partners to do things like this for me, and it was never done. Here somebody is that has no obligation to me, putting something like this together. This was really powerful to me. It’s one of the bigger thing that I’ll be processing for a bit. Like people being interested in me, I just don’t get why somebody would do this for me (introspection topic 3).

Then there was the fact that here I am being able to be the person I dreamed of being. In order for this to have been possible the past ~3 years had to happen. If the things in those three years hadn’t happened, this wouldn’t have been possible. SRS was even needed, even though nobody was touching my pussy through this entire scene. I was seen as a woman by these people. None of them, except the two I was staying with, knew I was trans. I talked to him about this and explained why this might be really hard for me and there was no way for me to know how I’d react/respond in this kind of scene. I have literally never done something like it before, and that this thing I’ve wanted and dreamed about for so many years is happening… I knew it was going to be really hard for me but I had to do it. For myself. I couldn’t let myself say no. He helped me get myself back together and then we moved back into the living room where somebody had brought a blindfold like this one that blocked all light.

Scene 2:

He put the mask on, then led me back upstairs to the other bedroom. By the time I took the twenty or so steps to the stairs I was pretty out of it. Sensory deprivation on this level was something totally different than anything I’ve done before. Coupled with the high, the first scene, the emotions from that first scene, the emotions from this one, the breath play, and all the other things going on I got into a really fucked up head space really quick. The world disappeared. I knew I was still in it because I could hear. But I couldn’t see anything. I didn’t know who was where. I could no longer identify voices entirely correct. I lost track of time. Of people. Of who was in the room and who wasn’t. Of where he was. Of where anybody was. Of what was about to come or what to expect. This let me disconnect from reality. My body was being handled by my subconscious. My conscious mind was floating. It was in this black ethereal world. If you’ve ever gone spelunking and they turned off all lights and you sat in silence in a cave tunnel you’ll know how disorienting this is. It’s really rare for humans to have true total darkness and fucks with you when it happens.

I wish I could explain more in depth here but I can’t. I just don’t know how. I don’t know what to say. How to explain it. All I know is this was a scene I’ve wanted, but being in it and reflecting upon it I’m not sure how I feel about it. I certainly don’t regret it. I don’t know what to do with it though. I don’t know if I want to really even put out there I did this scene as while I enjoyed it, I’m not sure I want it really out there at all. I needed to do this for myself, and to experience it now that I finally can (introspection topic 4). 

After the main part of the scene I was led back downstairs and the mask taken off. It took me a while to adjust to the lighting. It was overload for a while. Perhaps one of the most interesting things about this part was the need for human touch/connection/something. If I didn’t have somebody touching me or paying attention to my safety/mental state/etc I’d start to get super anxious, afraid of being alone, and kinda going a little unstable. Coupled with the intensity that I had with this guy, I was wanting to follow him around like a lost puppy dog kind of thing. I just wanted to be clingy as shit. I did my best not to be, and he was perfect through it doing what I needed him to do to bring me down softly.

Immediate aftermath:

I was out of it the rest of the night. I could tell I was off but was just “floaty”. I wasn’t present. I didn’t know what I was talking about. I’d form circular conversations. In many ways it was similar to how I was on morphine drip post SRS where I just told my ex how much I loved her in different ways every time I woke up (or so it seemed and to the best of my knowledge). I was loopy. I bounced around and couldn’t focus on anything. I told the couple I was staying with I would need them to help me get my stuff together for the trip home. To the point I had asked him if he’d just make sure I got on flights I needed to get on because I wasn’t sure I’d be able to handle it on my own. I fly all the time for work so I’m extremely adept at traveling. These scenes messed with me to the point I wasn’t sure I could function getting home. I managed to not need it and got home just fine.

The entire time though I was wrestling with issues around being post-op and post-transition in many ways, and what that means. I’m not sure anybody there “knew”, and I don’t think it was actually mentioned at all honestly. Does that mean I should ease my rule of having to tell people before playing? Does it mean realistically me saying I’m “trans” is pointless for kink partners? I’m now “there”, in other words that second scene basically means I’m living the life I always wanted as up until recently that could never have happened. I really wish I could elaborate more, but I’m having trouble finding the words to describe these feelings.

Then there is the aspect of the relationship with this guy. He’s got a long term partner, and I’d never want to do anything to jeopardize what they have. I respect them both too much to risk putting my emotions out there potentially causing issues for them or create “drama.” What I did see is a guy I could see a relationship with, and what that could look like. Not with him, but with a guy like him. The “trans” thing doesn’t seem to matter at all for him which is hard to find with men or women. This really digs at a deeper issue that I can’t seem to resolve, one which may or may not be related to being trans.

Specifically, I don’t feel I can find people who want to be with me more than for casual scenes. Nobody wants a romantic relationship with me that I’m aware of. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying “poor me” but instead I’m trying to figure out why that seemingly is the case. I know the people I’m looking for are hard to find. Regardless of gender I want to find a relationship with one or more partners where we want to build something together longer term. I want somebody I can love implicitly, who loves me the same way. I want somebody I can either explore kink/BDSM with, or at minimum supports me exploring it. I want somebody who has goals and works towards them. I want somebody with a career. Somebody who doesn’t care about this trans shit of my past. I’ve found one or two people who fit everything I want, but for whatever reason they didn’t feel the same (or otherwise can’t or choose not to pursue a relationship together).

Where does this leave me? Well, I had an amazing weekend with people I care about as friends at minimum. I got to experience a scene I never thought possible. I got reminded there are amazing people out there who do want to put effort into my happiness and helping me to explore this post-transition life I am lucky enough to experience. It has been hard though emotionally and internally. I wish I could’ve honestly recorded my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and my perspective through that party because so much was going through my head that I can’t even begin to remember everything. This post is perhaps the best record of that night since I couldn’t recorded everything I’d have wanted to. I think it did unlock a new door in post-transition life and moving on.

Post-op life – BDSM and kink events… Oh and sex (potential triggers ahead)

I’ve always been interested in BDSM and kink. I’ve gone to swingers clubs when I was younger and they were fun, but kinda felt “off” to me in many ways. I certainly don’t have anything against them, but I don’t think they are my kind of thing. Because of my experience with swinger groups/communities I’ve kind of shied away from the BDSM/kink realm expecting it to be similar. I was way off base though, and think it’s an amazing space for trans individuals (at least my local scene). Here’s my experience with it and why I’ve kinda fallen in love with it in many ways.

Not too long ago I started talking to a guy who is in the rope bondage scene and was looking for a partner to tie with regularly. We got together for coffee and he suggested I should go to a party that night, ironically it was one I saw already and had thought about going to. I decided to say screw it and go as it was a fem domme night. Now, to be clear, that’s not me. However I like more dominant women, so thought I thought it could be a fun time. And sure enough it was. I ran into a girl I had talked to online and hit it off with her again as we had not met in person prior to that event (which… sex with her was a lot of fun) along with a guy I’d talked to online. By the end of the night she had me tied up and was beating me with her studded belt, and realized how much I enjoy this stuff. From there I networked with some of her friends and hit it off really well with a different guy.

From there it’s taken a life of its own. I’ve been tied up numerous times from (NSFW links) hogties, to ebi shrimp ties, to my personal favorite… rope suspension! I can go into all of the reasons I enjoy it, and there are many, but most are explained elsewhere on the internet in depth. Simple version is willingly giving my body over to somebody to bind and restrain (and sometimes beat lol) me I’m letting go of a lot of control and placing trust in others. That is a very freeing experience and one I very much enjoy. It’s also not one I’m good at doing outside of this realm. I tend to find very few people who want to lead, especially professionally, so I tend to fall into that role a lot of the time. Where as in this realm I can be controlled by somebody. It’s freeing and relaxing in an ironic sort of way.

I’ve done a lot of fun scenes since I got into this, but so far the best was one a bit over a week ago. A guy was visiting mutual friends from out of town. He saw me the first night at a public get together (i.e. no sexual stuff) and wanted to do a scene the following night. I was game. One of the nice things of being single is I can do whatever, with whomever, whenever because I want to. It’s pretty liberating. Anyways, I told him I’m trans before the scene, as I have decided to tell people before intimacy happens, and basically he was almost dismissive of it. Like literally said, “okay cool” and returned to conversations about what was and wasn’t okay in the scene. Including sexual stuff. So he tied me up, we had some pretty rough play, put on a great show for people there apparently, and then had some awesome sex. Had some pretty intense bruises from it for a week or so. On the sex realm, holy shit. This was the first time I’ve had sex with a guy and it was enjoyable (to be fair I’ve had limited experience), but wow did that feel great. I probably could’ve gotten off from it if we both didn’t overheat and have to take a break. Upside is we did the post-scene aftercare/cuddling, where I very much felt like a woman. I’m finding that more and more I’m feeling this way as the default instead of the exception.

Here’s where this comes back around to the beginning. He is not the first, nor only, person who I’ve told in the BDSM/kink realm where it was not an issue at all and they almost were dismissive of it. Maybe that’s because I “pass”, but I don’t think so. I have seen so many trans people and gender non-conforming people in this realm it’s amazing. And even the trans women who are pre-op, crossdressing (and don’t plan to transition), and really anything under the “trans” umbrella, are treated like every other woman there. It doesn’t matter if you “pass” or not. Nobody cares. It’s one of the most accepting and open social environments I’ve ever been a part of.

Personally it’s liberating. I get to do things I fantasized about, wished I could be a part of, and never thought I would. I get to go to a BDSM/kink club or event, strip down to a thong, heels, etc and walk around next to naked and be seen as the woman I always wished I could be. I can let myself go and get lost getting tied in a suspension scene with my legs open and not worry about what people see down there. I can have sex with guys easily. And it’s enjoyable. I get to go to all girl parties and be comfortable walking around in just sexy panties and topless with the rest of the girls. It really is pretty awesome and amazing how trans-friendly of a community it’s been thus far.

Oh, and while I lost a family I loved very much… it looks like I might have found a new “family” of sorts that I’ve connected with and get together regularly with. All in all it’s been a great experience and I’ve got a few out of town weekend long events booked throughout the summer. Where I can spend a lot of time with people I care for as well as with people who I meet and want to play with the confident woman standing before them. I don’t think I could’ve ever done this stuff, nor gained the confidence I now have if I hadn’t gotten SRS. And now that I’m about 9 months post-op I am getting to be pretty happy with things overall. Sure I am not naturally wet. Sure I have yet to cum from sex or a partner. Sure my vagina is still healing somewhat, and my outer/inner labias are a bit larger than I’d ideally like (although this is just me nit picking honestly). But not many people would be able to tell it wasn’t a neo natal vagina. It’s truly amazing.

It’s funny though that the thing I love most about post-op is that I don’t have to think or worry or stress about what happens if I get in a situation where sexual things could happen. Or about my body “outing” me. The sex is cool and all, non-sexual stuff though is the best part about it. It doesn’t “fix” being trans for me. I still get “jealous” of cis women, or wish I had bigger boobies. Side note – I’m strongly considering getting BA which may fix that, but that’s another post. SRS isn’t a magic bullet. What it has done though, is removed the persistent stress, fear, worry, and concerns about my parts. I can go to the pool/beach without concern or worrying about my tuck. I can play soccer without concern. I can get into kink/BDSM stuff without concern. I can have sex finally without issues. I can enjoy life. That’s what I plan to do, and have been having fun doing it.

Dating v2

A little while back I put together a blog post about dating after SRS. That post was put together pretty soon after a situation happened that hit me kinda hard where I started talking to a girl on Fetlife, we hit it off really well, and the conversation went to getting together. Since she lives in another city and I’d be staying with her and her bf with sexual things planned, I told her. She said I “misled” her by not disclosing on my profile and to never contact her again. Due to being in a pretty rough spot from relationships ending, it hit me even harder. I also see the “trans” descriptor largely a historical aspect as it’s not really relevant to my day to day, it means it’s more in the back of my mind. I chalked it up to a difference of opinion ultimately, albeit one that still bothers me a bit.

Now we’re a few months removed from that situation and I’ve been dating since then. A lot more successfully too, and after a recent reddit thread I thought a new post might be warranted. Plus I’m in a mood to opine on life.

From that December situation I changed a bit of how I approach this stuff and it seems to be largely why things have been going a bit better. One big change though is my mental and emotional health is a lot better now, albeit still not back where I want it. That’s a post for another night though. My current method has primarily been to handle it in one of two (well a 3rd that’s out of my control) ways, as I ultimately know I’ll disclose it to a partner (total “stealth” from a partner I’m not sure is realistic, or ideal which I’ll get into later in the post).

  1. Standard talking online/app/whatever, arrange a date/time to get together, and then like the day before or day of try to casually mention it in conversation letting them know if they don’t want to get together just to let me know. This can result in a mildly depressing night though if it results in a cancelled date which has happened. Most of the people I’ve talked to though are already more LGBT friendly due to my screening early on, and it hasn’t been an issue most of the time.
  2. The other main option is to do the normal talking thing followed by a date or two. Then tell them before we do a date in private (i.e. their place or mine) and/or before sex happens. Usually it’s after the first, before the 4th, and done via text. This can be problematic as some people will feel “lead on” so it’s not a one size fits all solution either.
  3. If the right situation presents itself I’ve disclosed before on a date or in conversation as well. One date I had a girl who mentioned she thought about transitioning (FtM) earlier in her life. At that point I disclosed I was trans and all that. Her and I have had a lot of fun times in the intervening time.

Regardless of the time I disclose it, I try to do it as casually as possible. Something along the lines of:

One quick thing is I want to let you know I’m post-op trans. It’s part of my past and not really anything currently relevant to my life, but I make a point to put it out there early on.

Casually disclosing it makes it a lot less of a “thing” and much more of a FYI thing. By not putting a focal point on it “defining” me I show them how I perceive it personally while keeping potential partners informed. Informed consent is a good thing, and I know some trans people will vehemently disagree with my views on it but this is how I perceive things for myself.

Which leads to the conversation about “total stealth.” Do people get away with never telling a partner? Absolutely. It’s also your life to disclose what you want to with a partner. I don’t see “total stealth” working for me though. Right out the gate what are the odds that I’ll go the next ~60 years with a long term partner who *won’t* find out or figure it out? I’d wager pretty low. If they find out it can potentially undermine any and all trust built in the relationship. Let’s set that aside for the moment though. I also don’t want to be with a partner who wouldn’t want to be with me if I “was a dude” or something like that. If a partner has an issue that I once had different anatomy, then that’s not going to be a relationship I’d want to have long term. Finally, I’m not ashamed of my past. I own my past. I might not want to put it all out there from the start, but I also don’t put out there my financial situation right off the start either. Everybody does this, it’s normal to not put everything out there up front. Not that you shouldn’t if you believe you should, or choose to. Just don’t put it out there if right away if you don’t want to. I want somebody to share my life with (or people if it is a poly scenario), and that means I share my past with them too. I want to be able to tell them “my balls hurt” jokingly (as an aside, havinga vasectomy many years back means there are two “balls” of scar tissue that hurt sometimes… I’m going to look into options to fix that at some point but need to wait for things to heal first). I want to be able to joke about trans stuff. It’s who I am. I enjoy self deprecating humor, and jokes about gender is rather enjoyable at times.

Am I handling this ideally? I don’t know, but it’s working for me so far. And by working I mean I can live with the results and ramifications of how I choose to approach this topic when dating.Is it ideal? No, I’d greatly prefer to not have to mention it because nobody cares and it’s not a problem for anybody in society. That’s too idyllic at this point in time socially speaking. Especially with the state of politics in the US at present. We’ll see if things change over time in how I date, it’ll be interesting to see.

I celebrated on the eve of 3 months with my first sexual experience (SRS +83)

Over this weekend I happened to meet somebody who I got along with pretty well. We spent all day Saturday together. We ended up at my place where we kept talking and watched some Youtube stuff while we cuddled on the couch. It was really nice to feel wanted again. It’s been a while since I’ve felt that from somebody else, without some kind of reservation or caveats to it. Since I’ve been back I haven’t felt that somebody has wanted me in that way after the first week or two. To be fair, a lot of that was my own fault and a result of things that I did or how I handled things. Unfortunately I was under a ton of stress, in pain, and dealing with a lot of major things all at once. And combined with other things going on rifts between myself and my two gf’s quickly formed, until the relationships ended (well… technically one is on a “break” of sorts… but I’m not sure she’ll want to restart anything with me… but I digress). So having this new person who I had great chemistry with come into my life was really awesome.

I forgot how something like that feels. The so called “NRE” (New Relationship Energy in poly parlance). I very much love the partners I had and I wish that things would’ve worked out differently. I can’t change that though so instead I’m moving on. And as it would happen this girl, whose number I had since before SRS and finally texted a week or two ago, has a lot of parallels to myself. Cares about finances, has her own big relationship that just ended, intelligent, fun to joke with due to a similar sense of humor, and a good person all around. We spent 12 hours together on Saturday and it felt like it flew by. I had that with both of my most recent ex’s, and they both still had that until they ended. And it really hurt when I lost them both.

Anyways, back to Saturday. We were cuddling on the couch for an hour or two. She then had me lay down with her behind me and we cuddled like that for a bit. Then I turned to her and kissed her. We started making out extensively, groping, touching, etc. She ended up with her leg between mine and would push up between my legs. This was uncomfortable. I could see the enjoyment one day in it, but currently not so much. Things are still healing and don’t like pressure placed on them apparently. She ended up fingering me for a bit which wasn’t bad, but I was concerned about bleeding and called it short. After I hurt a bit. Not to the point of needing Tramadol, but enough to be uncomfortable the rest of the night.

Sunday morning I found out she left her glasses at my place and we ended up spending all of Sunday together too after she stopped over to get them. We had another good day and I talked to her about poly a lot. But nothing happened sexually. Monday we decided to hang out again, and I cooked dinner. We ended up fooling around again with making out and groping and stuff, and then we went to the bedroom where things progressed. And it turned into sex. It was enjoyable and she seemed to enjoy it a lot which I was happy for. So what about me? What was sex like for me?

Review of sex, post-hardware upgrade: First off, through the entire time I didn’t feel like I was an imposter. Previously I would feel as though I was a woman through an evening, until clothes started getting moved or coming off and to a much more severe degree when I was having sex. The anatomy really became hard to deal with during sex. And it was pretty useless. This time though, I didn’t once have that feeling. I wish so very much that I had that experience with my ex who was in Thailand with me. Since that wasn’t possible though, I don’t know I could’ve found a better partner for the first time than this girl. There was penetrative sex, which like fingering and kneeing, was physically uncomfortable. The clit and vaginal lips were being pulled and feel like they were dry and pulled in uncomfortable ways.

Soooo sex isn’t enjoyable at this point. It can happen, sure. But as with before it’s being done for my partner, not myself at this point. We’ll see if it changes… Hopefully it does. Hopefully I feel good from sex one day soon…

Ohhhh I’m over halfway through the hardest part, I hope… (SRS +49 days)

So, I’m now 7 weeks post op. Fun stuff. Since the necrotic skin has fallen off, I’ve bled just about every time I sit on a toilet. But since it’s only on the toilet, bright red, stops quickly, no blood on pads, etc I’m going with “eh… it’s annoying but NBD.” It’s not really any different than the past 2-3 weeks where it usually would happen once a day or so. Now it’s just most days. Which isn’t exactly fun, but hey it’s better than some other points in the past month and a half.

A weird thing has started to happen though since the necrotic skin fell off. In the last post I talked about how I played with myself a little in the bath even though I shouldn’t? Yeah, well now when I shower before/after dilation and rub soap over it, things feel semi-good. Also this week things haven’t hurt nearly as much at work or sitting as a general rule. Nor have I had as many random shooting pains as I was having the past few weeks. And dilation is getting easier it seems (maybe I’m just so far in it’s nothing new and my mind goes into an auto-pilot mode while doing it). I can get to depth a bit faster than before, and have even increased depth where on the large dilator I can almost hit 18 cm (I was 16 in surgery and 17 when it was measured after packing got removed) most sessions with 17 being doable almost every time with the large. That said, I have a lot of initial pain around the entrance to the vaginal canal and I have to work to open the pelvic floor muscles up to about 8-10 cm. Once I get past that though it’s really easy to get to 15. Then the last 2-3 become rough again where I’m pushing against the end and my body is going “STOP FUCKING SHOVING HARD POINTY THINGS INTO A HEALING WOUND!”

I have found that one thing that really helps with it is to lube the dilator (after working the opening up with fingers) and insert it until you feel a lot of pressure. Then, for me and my body, I push it left, down, and right (i.e. towards the hips on each side and butt). I don’t do the “stirring” motion they teach you at this point as my bed is a bit squishy and it kind of puts me in a V shape. Not that extreme but my vagina is pointing into the bed at like a 25-30 degree angle which, surprisingly, hasn’t hindered dilation. Anyways, after I do that a few times I pull the dilator out and use my hand to redistribute the lube to the tip due to the pelvic muscles acting like a squeegee and pushing it down. Then I re-insert and usually gain a cm or so initially and push a little more. The whole process to get past the floor muscles usually is 10-15 minutes with the medium, or 20-25 minutes with the large (if I skip the medium).

The last few cm this process helps as well where you pull it out, add lube to the tip, re-insert. But once I hit 14-15 cm I’ll start stirring as well as doing the pushing left, right, and down on the dilator. I don’t push up towards my abs because my urethra is that way and it already doesn’t seem to have much between the dilator and bone. Soooo let’s not bleed more, mmmkkkkkkayyyy? Then once depth is hit I might re-lube midway through. Generally I know I need lube by pain levels. Less lube = more pain.

I also will be traveling for work in about a month (actually I’ll hit 3 months post-op on the trip if it happens the week it’s tentatively scheduled for pending construction-y things). I’m likely going to get a bit nervous for that due to checking a bag so I don’t lose my dilators to the TSA. I’ll also have to do some research into that to figure out if it’s “medical equipment” and how to handle that. Upside is I have pre-check so I can get into the faster security line with less people if I were to attempt to go through without checking my bag (which is my preferred way to travel). I’m also slightly nervous to travel as there will be a lot of work that needs done, including a not insignificant amount of lifting. While I think I’ll be okay, there is a concern there. I’ll have a coworker with me but some of the gear is absolutely a team lift kind of thing. Upside is we shouldn’t have to lift stuff *that* much. I hope. I’m also concerned about being on my feet for many hours at a time. Hmmm, now that I’m thinking about this more the more I’m going “yeah… ummm… this might not be the best idea…”

Oh, and a final note for those who have cared/read about the poly/releationship-y things. While I don’t like the situation I’m in, I think and hope after some talks recently things have been turned around. In poly everybody needs to communicate openly, fairly, and feel they can do so safely (i.e. not get attacked for what is said). And that’s not always easy to do. There are also times where there is no middle ground, and one of you will have to capitulate and suck it up if you want it to work. And this has been one of those times for me. There is no “right” way out of the situation my partners and I found ourselves in. So we had to talk through a lot of crap and it involved a “this is how I feel/felt” and trying to understand how my actions/inactions caused an undesirable outcome and why that happened. But, after a few emotional breakdowns, a lot of talking, and us wanting to work to change the less than enjoyable month for all of us into getting back to where we were pre-SRS and a place where we just are happy and loving the relationships we’re in. I hope that a lot of the stress points are now behind us as there were a lot that hit all at once. And it was really trying for our relationship(s). But we’re still together, have made some changes, and things are better than they were.

More blood, depression, and pain (SRS +39 days)

It’s been almost a week since my last update… It’s been a rough week. A really shitty week. I alluded to it in one of my recent posts that some issues were happening with one of my partners and I. Unfortunately that hasn’t gotten better and gotten worse to be totally honest. I am so unhappy with where things are. Tramadol is about the only thing keeping me sane, which is really annoying because it’s not even being used because of pain. Instead I’m using it because I’m ever so slightly happier when I have one or two in my system constantly…

As far as the SRS healing goes, well a few days ago I woke up to go to the bathroom. Ended up pushing for #2 but nothing was coming out. When I wiped I found so much blood. I dilated with the medium only and did more of a static dilation method. I swapped working from home last week from so I could stay home that day. Ended up sleeping another 3-4 hours. Didn’t bleed much the rest of Tuesday outside of some spotting. But through this week off and on I’ve been bleeding in various places and to various extents.

Today I woke up to blood having come from between my majora and minora within that fold at the front. That stopped, but wasn’t exactly thrilling to see. That said, it’s not entirely surprising or “scary” as it’s likely that those stitches are going to start falling out and stuff. I’m about 6 weeks, and it’s okay to start cleaning within that fold after 2 months. Which means I’m only 2 weeks from that point. So we’ll see. I also started taking some salt baths (just standard sea salt) as that is supposed to help with healing. Plus it kind of just feels good. I try to only do it once or twice a week though.

I also stopped using hibiscus soap entirely. I feel that was drying things out down there and was causing issues so I switched to just some standard Oil of Olay body wash to clean the outside. It seems to have helped make it feel less dry on the surface. Stitches have been falling out at a rate of 1-2/day. Oh and in really fun news the necrotic skin up by my clit is going away! It’s still there, and not quite gone but it’s clearly healing and might be gone by the 2 month mark at this rate. I hope so.

After I started this post I took a nap mid way through. During that nap I didn’t really fall asleep but didn’t quite stay awake. That haze before going to actual sleep is where I spent the hour or so laying down. Which gave me time to think. And first up was holy shit sex drive. I got so fucking horny and just wanted a hot dude (or chick) to lay on and “belong” to (not in a BDSM way, in a romantic ‘I’m theirs’ way). I haven’t felt I’ve really had that since I’ve been back, and coupled with my sex drive I really wanted it. I thought about seeing if I could cuddle with the guy in our quad… but realized that would be bad because I’d likely attempt to start things… And also thought about a threesome with him and one of my partners lol. Yup… this sex drive thing is nice… just wish I could fucking do something to satiate it lol. The other thing I kind of thought through was regarding the first paragraph and the relationship that’s been causing me issues. I think I’ve kind of came to a “oh, that’s how to move forward without it ending” solution. It’s not ideal, and not what I wanted at this point but it’s better than any other option I’ve thought of or that’s been put out there.

Sooooo fun week. Hopefully next week is better 🙂