Lesbian sex, more kink, and an interesting weekend (SRS +11.5 months)

As with the past few posts… there might be some NSFW or otherwise uncomfortable content in here. Proceed if you’re okay with that. This is the only warning on this post.

A good friend of mine happened to have SRS last week with a different surgeon here in the US. I’ve attempted to get her to do some guest posts here of her experiences to get an idea from another surgeon and another persons perspective on it, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to. I’ll be doing a more in depth post later as I went out to visit her (luckily could schedule a work trip nearby that I had to do anyways) and have been helping her post-SRS. I’ll say this, it’s a really weird feeling to be on the other side of it and know what they are going through and there is nothing you can do about it. I’ll keep this brief as it’s not the point of this post, however it’s something that might provide some insights into another perspective and will be coming in the near future. On to the main point of this post though.

Recently I went to a kink event that was a weekend long hotel takeover. I went with the main group of kinky friends I have. I got my own room with a girl I spent a week in Germany and Amsterdam with (looks like I forgot to type that up, but was around the time of the job interviewing… I also got together with a girl I met in Chonburi as well… it was an… interesting trip) and a girl I met through kink stuff. We got a room right next to some of the friends group I know with a connecting door. I’m going to refer to the the girl from Amsterdam as Red (get it… Amsterdam, red light district, we were there together… I’m so original) moving forward though.

Red and I have started doing rope shibari practice together and going to kink events together, along with non-kink events. I’ve known her for almost a year now (about a month after the quad fell apart last fall). We had one bed in Europe for a week and only had sex one night in Amsterdam, which was really awkward for me and resulted in me having a total emotional breakdown. That was fun. Point here is that her and I have maintained a friendship across varying experiences, and so we were going to this event as friends. On the way down to this hotel takeover we had a few hours of driving to talk. We ended up talking about a wide variety of things about our views on partners, relationships, sex with men vs women (and how rough guys are fingering many times), and many other topics. After getting to the hotel we got into our room and got ready for the first night of the event. She wasn’t entirely sure what to expect having never gone to something like this, but quickly found herself beating a guy with another girl. We kinda did our own thing in many ways, but then went back to the room around 2 AM.

So here’s where the connecting door and adjoining room thing comes back into play, as they were doing a variety of scenes in there when we were all trying to go to sleep. Red and I were in the same bed and cuddling as we’ve done many times before. Nobody in our room was able to sleep though due to the neighboring room, although we had lights out and eyes closed kind of thing. At one point though Red starts making out with me out of the blue. I’m confused, but went with it since we’d had sex before without it affecting our friendship. She ends up going down on me. This is something that I’m pretty uncomfortable with for some reason. It’s almost like I’m shy or ashamed of things, especially with a cis chick as no matter how amazing the results are… It’s still not a natal vagina. It’s a mental thing I’ve yet to figure out. I also haven’t orgasmed from a partner/sex. I came close with my ex once, but since then haven’t even been close. We switched and I went down on her, she got off a few times, then we just basically cuddled after. The room next to us had quieted down and we went to sleep.

The next day were a lot of classes and workshops (yes, kinky people go to classes to learn how to properly tie, beat, choke, cut, degrade, or do whatever it is you’re into in a safe way). After nap and dinner with Red and the other girl we roomed with, we all got ready for the second night play party. Red was more affectionate and wanting to touch/hold hands/etc which had never really happened before like that. I chalked it up to the endorphin high you get at kink events, which was what I attributed sex to the night before to as well. We all did our own thing again, watching some really cool stuff (suspended hogties are crazy intense to watch), I did an intimate scene with a trans girl who flogged me, etc etc. We got to the room and all passed the hell out as we were dead tired. The next morning we all got up, got our stuff together, and headed out. Something felt different with Red and I though.

When we got back to my place we were talking about taking a nap so I invited her in. We did no napping of any kind to say the least. We started in a domme/sub kind of playing situation (she’s the domme one) before getting into the first time I had lesbian sex with a strap on. Yeah… so… that is pretty fucking amazing. I’ve had sex with ex’s using a strap on pre-SRS, but anal and vaginal sex are way different. Vaginal sex is so much more intimate. Perhaps it’s because there is an emotional connection with the person I was having sex with (much like I had with my out of town friend I hung out with a few weeks ago). Perhaps it’s because she’s very attractive. Whatever the reason is, while I didn’t get off it was highly enjoyable. It also was one of those idyllic days where it’s the perfect temp, windows open, post sex tranquility, birds, and cuddling with a person you care for. I could’ve lived in that moment forever.

Red and I both realized that our relationship had changed through this weekend. We moved things past friendship. Unfortunately into what was clouded by a lot of the things that happen post-kink events. It’s common to get super clingy and needy after these events. We both were having that kind of stuff going on and it made detangling our emotions around one another and where Red and I now were in our relationship was going to have to wait so we both could work through things. I was extremely confused by the whole thing emotionally speaking. When her and I first met on like the third date we had the “what are we” conversation and agreed to be just friends. I’d locked it into that realm since that point. Now I’m being told I can let those emotions out?

We texted throughout the next few days, but then got together for dinner to talk about “what now” and where we were with things. It’s funny, I feel like this is a relationship I’ve had forever, but also that has the “new relationships energy” going strong. We had a great evening together, and by the end of it I could definitively say I was no longer single and now have a gf. That’s weird to type. It’s been so long since I’ve had that and I wasn’t looking for it (which is always the case it seems). The next few months already have some stuff going on that is going to likely strain things a bit, none the least of which is we’ll probably not see one another more than once or twice until September due to schedules and various things in our respective lives. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe the entire way things have developed with Red is a good thing. I’ve never gone from friends to romantic partners before. I’m going to have to curtail a lot of the excitement/enjoyment stuff for the limited amount of time I’ll be able to spend with her for the first few months of things together.

One thing I can say is that I’m confident this isn’t going to be a brief relationship. Like if we’re together in a year from now, I won’t be surprised in the least. I might be looking through rose colored glasses but I’m also kinda optimistic about it. Then there is the guy who I spent the weekend with in another state a few weeks back (although unfortunately him and I haven’t been able to talk much since a conversation about a week later where we both said we had feelings for one another and wanted to explore those… stupid life shit getting in the way lol). Oh, and I’ve got a guy I’ve been talking to extensively that I’m exploring things with as well who is local. I don’t know what has happened, why it’s happened, or why these people want to be in romantic relationships with me. I’m really glad that things are where they are. It’s been a little bit since I’ve been this optimistic about life, especially around my romantic future. Pretty cool to think back to a year ago and see where I am today.

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Dating v2

A little while back I put together a blog post about dating after SRS. That post was put together pretty soon after a situation happened that hit me kinda hard where I started talking to a girl on Fetlife, we hit it off really well, and the conversation went to getting together. Since she lives in another city and I’d be staying with her and her bf with sexual things planned, I told her. She said I “misled” her by not disclosing on my profile and to never contact her again. Due to being in a pretty rough spot from relationships ending, it hit me even harder. I also see the “trans” descriptor largely a historical aspect as it’s not really relevant to my day to day, it means it’s more in the back of my mind. I chalked it up to a difference of opinion ultimately, albeit one that still bothers me a bit.

Now we’re a few months removed from that situation and I’ve been dating since then. A lot more successfully too, and after a recent reddit thread I thought a new post might be warranted. Plus I’m in a mood to opine on life.

From that December situation I changed a bit of how I approach this stuff and it seems to be largely why things have been going a bit better. One big change though is my mental and emotional health is a lot better now, albeit still not back where I want it. That’s a post for another night though. My current method has primarily been to handle it in one of two (well a 3rd that’s out of my control) ways, as I ultimately know I’ll disclose it to a partner (total “stealth” from a partner I’m not sure is realistic, or ideal which I’ll get into later in the post).

  1. Standard talking online/app/whatever, arrange a date/time to get together, and then like the day before or day of try to casually mention it in conversation letting them know if they don’t want to get together just to let me know. This can result in a mildly depressing night though if it results in a cancelled date which has happened. Most of the people I’ve talked to though are already more LGBT friendly due to my screening early on, and it hasn’t been an issue most of the time.
  2. The other main option is to do the normal talking thing followed by a date or two. Then tell them before we do a date in private (i.e. their place or mine) and/or before sex happens. Usually it’s after the first, before the 4th, and done via text. This can be problematic as some people will feel “lead on” so it’s not a one size fits all solution either.
  3. If the right situation presents itself I’ve disclosed before on a date or in conversation as well. One date I had a girl who mentioned she thought about transitioning (FtM) earlier in her life. At that point I disclosed I was trans and all that. Her and I have had a lot of fun times in the intervening time.

Regardless of the time I disclose it, I try to do it as casually as possible. Something along the lines of:

One quick thing is I want to let you know I’m post-op trans. It’s part of my past and not really anything currently relevant to my life, but I make a point to put it out there early on.

Casually disclosing it makes it a lot less of a “thing” and much more of a FYI thing. By not putting a focal point on it “defining” me I show them how I perceive it personally while keeping potential partners informed. Informed consent is a good thing, and I know some trans people will vehemently disagree with my views on it but this is how I perceive things for myself.

Which leads to the conversation about “total stealth.” Do people get away with never telling a partner? Absolutely. It’s also your life to disclose what you want to with a partner. I don’t see “total stealth” working for me though. Right out the gate what are the odds that I’ll go the next ~60 years with a long term partner who *won’t* find out or figure it out? I’d wager pretty low. If they find out it can potentially undermine any and all trust built in the relationship. Let’s set that aside for the moment though. I also don’t want to be with a partner who wouldn’t want to be with me if I “was a dude” or something like that. If a partner has an issue that I once had different anatomy, then that’s not going to be a relationship I’d want to have long term. Finally, I’m not ashamed of my past. I own my past. I might not want to put it all out there from the start, but I also don’t put out there my financial situation right off the start either. Everybody does this, it’s normal to not put everything out there up front. Not that you shouldn’t if you believe you should, or choose to. Just don’t put it out there if right away if you don’t want to. I want somebody to share my life with (or people if it is a poly scenario), and that means I share my past with them too. I want to be able to tell them “my balls hurt” jokingly (as an aside, havinga vasectomy many years back means there are two “balls” of scar tissue that hurt sometimes… I’m going to look into options to fix that at some point but need to wait for things to heal first). I want to be able to joke about trans stuff. It’s who I am. I enjoy self deprecating humor, and jokes about gender is rather enjoyable at times.

Am I handling this ideally? I don’t know, but it’s working for me so far. And by working I mean I can live with the results and ramifications of how I choose to approach this topic when dating.Is it ideal? No, I’d greatly prefer to not have to mention it because nobody cares and it’s not a problem for anybody in society. That’s too idyllic at this point in time socially speaking. Especially with the state of politics in the US at present. We’ll see if things change over time in how I date, it’ll be interesting to see.

I celebrated on the eve of 3 months with my first sexual experience (SRS +83)

Over this weekend I happened to meet somebody who I got along with pretty well. We spent all day Saturday together. We ended up at my place where we kept talking and watched some Youtube stuff while we cuddled on the couch. It was really nice to feel wanted again. It’s been a while since I’ve felt that from somebody else, without some kind of reservation or caveats to it. Since I’ve been back I haven’t felt that somebody has wanted me in that way after the first week or two. To be fair, a lot of that was my own fault and a result of things that I did or how I handled things. Unfortunately I was under a ton of stress, in pain, and dealing with a lot of major things all at once. And combined with other things going on rifts between myself and my two gf’s quickly formed, until the relationships ended (well… technically one is on a “break” of sorts… but I’m not sure she’ll want to restart anything with me… but I digress). So having this new person who I had great chemistry with come into my life was really awesome.

I forgot how something like that feels. The so called “NRE” (New Relationship Energy in poly parlance). I very much love the partners I had and I wish that things would’ve worked out differently. I can’t change that though so instead I’m moving on. And as it would happen this girl, whose number I had since before SRS and finally texted a week or two ago, has a lot of parallels to myself. Cares about finances, has her own big relationship that just ended, intelligent, fun to joke with due to a similar sense of humor, and a good person all around. We spent 12 hours together on Saturday and it felt like it flew by. I had that with both of my most recent ex’s, and they both still had that until they ended. And it really hurt when I lost them both.

Anyways, back to Saturday. We were cuddling on the couch for an hour or two. She then had me lay down with her behind me and we cuddled like that for a bit. Then I turned to her and kissed her. We started making out extensively, groping, touching, etc. She ended up with her leg between mine and would push up between my legs. This was uncomfortable. I could see the enjoyment one day in it, but currently not so much. Things are still healing and don’t like pressure placed on them apparently. She ended up fingering me for a bit which wasn’t bad, but I was concerned about bleeding and called it short. After I hurt a bit. Not to the point of needing Tramadol, but enough to be uncomfortable the rest of the night.

Sunday morning I found out she left her glasses at my place and we ended up spending all of Sunday together too after she stopped over to get them. We had another good day and I talked to her about poly a lot. But nothing happened sexually. Monday we decided to hang out again, and I cooked dinner. We ended up fooling around again with making out and groping and stuff, and then we went to the bedroom where things progressed. And it turned into sex. It was enjoyable and she seemed to enjoy it a lot which I was happy for. So what about me? What was sex like for me?

Review of sex, post-hardware upgrade: First off, through the entire time I didn’t feel like I was an imposter. Previously I would feel as though I was a woman through an evening, until clothes started getting moved or coming off and to a much more severe degree when I was having sex. The anatomy really became hard to deal with during sex. And it was pretty useless. This time though, I didn’t once have that feeling. I wish so very much that I had that experience with my ex who was in Thailand with me. Since that wasn’t possible though, I don’t know I could’ve found a better partner for the first time than this girl. There was penetrative sex, which like fingering and kneeing, was physically uncomfortable. The clit and vaginal lips were being pulled and feel like they were dry and pulled in uncomfortable ways.

Soooo sex isn’t enjoyable at this point. It can happen, sure. But as with before it’s being done for my partner, not myself at this point. We’ll see if it changes… Hopefully it does. Hopefully I feel good from sex one day soon…

More blood, depression, and pain (SRS +39 days)

It’s been almost a week since my last update… It’s been a rough week. A really shitty week. I alluded to it in one of my recent posts that some issues were happening with one of my partners and I. Unfortunately that hasn’t gotten better and gotten worse to be totally honest. I am so unhappy with where things are. Tramadol is about the only thing keeping me sane, which is really annoying because it’s not even being used because of pain. Instead I’m using it because I’m ever so slightly happier when I have one or two in my system constantly…

As far as the SRS healing goes, well a few days ago I woke up to go to the bathroom. Ended up pushing for #2 but nothing was coming out. When I wiped I found so much blood. I dilated with the medium only and did more of a static dilation method. I swapped working from home last week from so I could stay home that day. Ended up sleeping another 3-4 hours. Didn’t bleed much the rest of Tuesday outside of some spotting. But through this week off and on I’ve been bleeding in various places and to various extents.

Today I woke up to blood having come from between my majora and minora within that fold at the front. That stopped, but wasn’t exactly thrilling to see. That said, it’s not entirely surprising or “scary” as it’s likely that those stitches are going to start falling out and stuff. I’m about 6 weeks, and it’s okay to start cleaning within that fold after 2 months. Which means I’m only 2 weeks from that point. So we’ll see. I also started taking some salt baths (just standard sea salt) as that is supposed to help with healing. Plus it kind of just feels good. I try to only do it once or twice a week though.

I also stopped using hibiscus soap entirely. I feel that was drying things out down there and was causing issues so I switched to just some standard Oil of Olay body wash to clean the outside. It seems to have helped make it feel less dry on the surface. Stitches have been falling out at a rate of 1-2/day. Oh and in really fun news the necrotic skin up by my clit is going away! It’s still there, and not quite gone but it’s clearly healing and might be gone by the 2 month mark at this rate. I hope so.

After I started this post I took a nap mid way through. During that nap I didn’t really fall asleep but didn’t quite stay awake. That haze before going to actual sleep is where I spent the hour or so laying down. Which gave me time to think. And first up was holy shit sex drive. I got so fucking horny and just wanted a hot dude (or chick) to lay on and “belong” to (not in a BDSM way, in a romantic ‘I’m theirs’ way). I haven’t felt I’ve really had that since I’ve been back, and coupled with my sex drive I really wanted it. I thought about seeing if I could cuddle with the guy in our quad… but realized that would be bad because I’d likely attempt to start things… And also thought about a threesome with him and one of my partners lol. Yup… this sex drive thing is nice… just wish I could fucking do something to satiate it lol. The other thing I kind of thought through was regarding the first paragraph and the relationship that’s been causing me issues. I think I’ve kind of came to a “oh, that’s how to move forward without it ending” solution. It’s not ideal, and not what I wanted at this point but it’s better than any other option I’ve thought of or that’s been put out there.

Sooooo fun week. Hopefully next week is better 🙂

OMG I’m leaving tomorrow! (SRS +18 part 2)

Soooo this post is getting delayed until after I’ve gotten back home. My gf doesn’t know that the flight has changed. But before dinner I had asked my gf back home if she minded calling United and seeing about moving my flight up. So after I got back from dinner, she called. And guess what? I could get guaranteed business Tokyo-Home for $350 rebooking fee. And it cuts 3 hours of travel, plus 4 hours in Chicago on a layover. SCORE!!!!

I asked her not to tell the gf who was in-air at that point so I could surprise her Monday when she gets home. Sunday she has a date with somebody (yay poly!) that I don’t want to ruin or take away from by letting her know I’m going to be home Sunday night. Also… surprising others is fun (but do not surprise me… ever…. I hate surprises).

So after confirming all of that I had to call the clinic staff @ 9 PM local time to figure out if they/Suporn could get final stuff done today (on Saturday). I called them, they called Dr Suporn, he said it’s good and setup a 10AM appointment at the clinic today for the final one, had them call me back to relay this, and it’s a done deal. Then I moved to packing my large suitcase. While I travel a lot, and my gf took back the bulk-lube (#SuitcasesOfLube), there is still a decent amount of crap I need to pack in my smaller bag and carry on. It’s amazing that even though I travel a ton for work that I’m going “I hope all this fits…” The large one, on first pack, weighed over 50 lbs so I had to repack it a bit. It’s dead on 50 lbs now, but I’ll pull out some small things to make it <49. Just in case.

So I have 2 packs of lube, Cards Against Humanity, MTG decks, some clothes, as many post-op supplies as I can pack, electronics (laptops, Roku, router that failed me, etc etc), bathroom bag (toothbrush, etc) and I’m going “ummm I’m not sure this will fit…” but this morning I’m thinking I’ll be just fine. We’ll see later today I suppose.

So: On the agenda for today is dilation @ 8ish. Breakfast @ 9ish. Clinic @ 10. Back to hotel room to sleep after that for an hour or two. Or pack if I can’t sleep. Dilation @ 1ish. Central Plaza @ 2 until 4. See about playing MTG for an hour or so. Dilate @ 6ish. See about dinner again @ 7ish with others. Maybe see about actually doing Cards Against Humanity tonight after dinner. Finish packing in there at some point. Go to sleep early (like 9-10). Wakeup @ 130 AM tomorrow to dilate, finish packing, check out of hotel, and be ready for pickup @ 3 AM for the ride to the airport. Busy day.

Part of me is sad I’m going to miss the beach house round 2. But you know what? I’m okay with it. I’m happy that my only memories of the beach house will include my gf. And that it will be really really positive. If I went I’d likely just take a book or two and read alone anyways. It’s a little weird though, I just had a tinge of “I’m going to miss this place” hit me. It was a stressful place for me as I went through a lot here. But the 3+ weeks I’ve been here it’s grown on me. And the people, the place, and the whole saga will hold a special place in my heart I think.

I still miss home and am looking forward to tomorrow even with that said… lol