One year ago… (SRS +1 year)

One year ago I was me. But not the me of today. I had relationships. But not those of today. I got ready for work or dates or just hanging out with friends. But not in the same way I do today. I had sex. But not as I do today. The person I was then could never have imagined the world she lives in today. I am somebody who analyzes. Plans. Evaluates options. Thinks critically about every possible scenario, their outcomes, and how to mitigate the risks or negative potential results from those outcomes. I constantly try to take a critical look at myself to figure out how to improve myself. And in all of that analysis, I could never have imagined the world I exist in today. I will forever be grateful to those who helped me get to, and through, SRS which has allowed me to be who I am today. I don’t think I can ever repay them or show them how thankful I am for their support and help through one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

This is a post of reflection. One where I take stock of where I am today, what I’ve learned, how things have healed, and attempting to encapsulate the past year into a post of cumbersome, and imprecise, words. I’ll start with the easy stuff. I had many fears and anxiety going into SRS. I thought of some ways I’d have done differently in retrospect to help avoid as many as I could. Well, I’ve had a year since then to live and experience life now. I can say now that while I understood why I held those fears, they were not ones that ever manifested themselves thankfully. Not to say they were unwarranted or irrational, because they certainly weren’t. There was no way to know where I’d be today, and I’d be lying if I said otherwise. I still have fears. I still have issues. I still have concerns and things i need to work through, but… this is better. It’s worth everything I went through to be where I am today. To those of you reading this blog thinking about SRS and if it’s right for you… I obviously cannot answer that for you. I can tell you that there are so many things that I worried/stressed about that I no longer do. I don’t have to worry about tucking. I don’t have to worry about what I’m wearing (well outside of “is it cute” lol). I can go swimming, jet skiing, to the beach, etc and not worry about it. An immeasurable weight is gone from my daily life. A close friend recently had SRS herself and is very much in the healing process (I’ll likely post a 3rd party account summarizing her experience as she went to a different doc here in the US), but she has found similar to be true already even though she is very much still in the healing process. What about the rest? Well…

Dialating

Dilating is pretty easy anymore. I do it once every 3-4 days and still have depth. It takes me about ~30 minutes if I’m taking my time and doing it while reading a book, or about 20 or so if I’m just trying to get it done. If I attempt to masturbate this is tacked on at the end of the process and usually is about 30 minutes. I’ll talk more about that part in the orgasming section though. I still have a shit ton of lube. I ended up buying what I thought would be a 6 month supply. There are 37 tubes remaining out of the original 180 I bought. I use about a 50/50 mix of the QC lube from Thailand and coconut oil. The mixture really is the best of both worlds and approaches silicone levels of longevity/slickness. The oil keeps it from drying out, while the QC gives it a the water lube level of slickness. After 3 months I highly recommend doing this.

The way I do it is I grab about an oz of coconut oil, and just rub it all around my pussy and in between the labia folds. Then I take another oz and put it on the dilator. From there I squeeze a bit of QC on the dilator (another oz roughly), and slide my hand all over it to mix it. Note, I keep my left hand on the flat side of the dilator where there is no lube to keep my left hand un-lubed and usable. I’m right handed FWIW.

From there I’ll insert the medium one and it can sometimes be uncomfortable (as I’m likely pushing how long I should go between sessions) initially, but then eases up. I get to depth in maybe 2-3 minutes. I use the medium for about 5-10 minutes, then switch to the large using the same method to lube the dilator as before. The large one is pretty mild now. It is a little tight at first, but nothing nearly as bad as dilating was initially. I’ll get to depth with this one in another 2-3 minutes, and hold this one for about 10 minutes.

My mornings used to be wake up at 630 to dilate for 90 minutes to then get ready for work and get to the office a little after 9. Now, I get up at 730-745, get ready, make breakfast, and end up leaving about the same time. Mornings I dilate I’ll get up at like 715 to start and hit the rest of my morning timing without issue (unless I masturbate lol). All in all, it’s pretty minimal in my life anymore. I still have it on my mind at times thinking about when I need to do it next. But doing it twice a week is easy compared to 3x/day.

Aesthetics

It looks like a pussy. Looking from external in it fits well within the range of “normal” vaginas. There are things I’d change of course, but that’s because I’m kinda a perfectionist lol. I’ve thought about looking into a revision since I can get it done for just a flight over and the stay. So what would I change?

  • Inner labia is a bit more pronounced than I’d like
  • See if something can be done to help orgasming
  • See if outer labia can be reduced in size
  • Really just smoothing things out

The scar lines on the outer labia are still there. They are visible if you know what they are. If you’re not aware of what they are though, it just looks like a line that marks different coloration in skin. Which can happen in cis women as well (maybe not as pronounced, but even then it’s not super pronounced and keeps fading over time).

Overall I’m pretty happy with how it looks. One thing I need to work with is to get more comfortable with others seeing it. I am extremely self-conscious and protective of who I share it with. I’m afraid it will “out” me, or will be judged for it. I think that’s the fear. I also want to be very protective of it now that I have it.

Sexual intercourse

Ugh. Sex. I am a very sexual person. I’m involved in various kinky events, and have explored sex with men and women over the past year. I’ve not been sexual with many partners since SRS. Generally because of the prior section where I talk about my reticence around letting just anybody see my vagina or have sex with them. I don’t want sex to just have sex. I want sex that has meaning behind it or, at minimum, looks to be memorable or otherwise enjoyable. But I need more than just a physical connection for it that enjoyment to be had. Some of the partners have simply been just sexual in nature. I don’t regret or wish I hadn’t had that with them at all. Doing that showed me that it’s not really worth it just for the sake of sex.

Perhaps this is a flaw in my thought process or my approach. Maybe I need to accept that the point of sex isn’t orgasming with everybody or every time, but instead to share that physical intimacy with somebody. I can say that just having sex can feel really good. Sex with men is what I’ve always wanted sex with men to be like. I feel like a woman. Instead of just imagining I was one. There is really nothing in it where I see myself in any way other than as a girl having sex with a guy. I enjoy being seen with guys romantically as well. I might not “get off” from it, but the fact the rest of it can happen is pretty incredible in and of itself.

What about with women? Well, there have only been two I’ve been with. One was just a FWB situation. The other is my current gf. In both cases it was more “intimate” than with guys (well… except the guy in NC where sex is very much similar to with my current gf and ex’s). The first girl was older and had a lot of experience with women. There wasn’t an emotional connection there though. With the gf there definitely is. So while I haven’t gotten off with her, I could see it happening with time as there are emotions there already which I expect to develop more over time.

So what’s sex like? Well, non-penetrative sex doesn’t do a ton it would seem. Although fingering my clit and the secondary spot (basically the area between the clit and vaginal opening) are how I get myself off. It needs to be light with plenty of lube though. It’s more about the movement than pressure. I haven’t enjoyed receiving oral much in any of the times I’ve received oral. Part of it is being worried about smell/taste which I don’t think is an issue, but one of the things I’m really self conscious about. But beyond that is it’s usually too much. It is like fingering with too much pressure. I don’t know what would need done differently with oral to make that get me off. I’m sure that’ll get explored with the gf over time though.

In the penetrative sex realm it’s generally enjoyable. Provided enough lube is used and after easing into it as it’s still “tight” (if I dilated more I’m sure that would be better). After that it becomes an emotional thing. If I feel disconnected from the person and thus sex with them, then it’s simply going through the motions. Which feels good, don’t get me wrong. But it’s also not relaxing and what I enjoy about sex. This is largely tied to my own psychology and emotions internally than anything regarding the results themselves.

Sex as an act is physically enjoyable with the parts I now have. My next goal is to get it to be emotionally and mentally enjoyable as well, which it is when it’s with people I have those connections with. Maybe I’ll keep from getting comfortable with it casually. To be determined I suppose.

Orgasming

Meh. This one is depressing for me. I have gotten off from masturbation but never with a partner. I have come (pun intended) close with my gf, as well as with a rope partner who used a hitachi wand on me for about 45 minutes. The hitachi will be another post though talking about sex toys. Unfortunately I have not been able to with another person. Well, save the time with the ex where bleeding ended up ruining it… I’d have cum then. I’ve been close with the current gf as well, but hasn’t happened quite yet.

Since I know for a fact I can cum (albeit not easily) I have tried to suss out what the issue is with other people. I obviously haven’t found the answer yet as I’m still having issues being able to orgasm with a partner. I can say it’s very much a mental game/exercise for me. I think what it ultimately boils down to is trust and being able to emotionally let go and be vulnerable to that other person I’m with. Who knows. This is probably the thing I’m working on hardest in regards to anatomy and post-op “issues” so to speak.

Masturbating on my own is hit or miss. Sometimes I get off, sometimes I can’t. Everytime I’ve gotten off it’s been through reading stories on Literotica or occasionally a fun reddit post in their version of NSFW sexual stories. It’s also been using my fingers with a dilator in me, not from a vibrator. Although I’ve not tried vibrators a ton yet.

Perhaps one issue around it is that I know orgasming releases the chemical oxytocin which has a strong relationship with the feelings of “love” and is referenced as the “love drug” because of this. I am extremely scared of falling in love and getting hurt again like I was last year. That hurt for a long time and still does in many ways. I’m afraid of getting hurt like that again, so shy away from risking “falling” for people. It took the better part of this past year to get back to a healthy mental and emotional place after those ended. I could see this being in part why I can’t “relax” or get “there” mentally with orgasming with partners. But that’s a best guess and would likely need a lot of therapist appointments to figure out if that’s the reason or not.

“Wetness”

Up until this past week I didn’t think I really got wet. Maybe a small bit until I orgasmed. Even the orgasm amount was not much. However, I had a situation happen where I got super wet. Now because of the specifics I don’t know if it was natural wetness or from some kind of physical trauma (it was involving a hitachi). This is very much an unknown.

That said, I need lube. I have started to use Sliquid Organics for sex and found it very good. I’ll use coconut oil with some toys and in some circumstances but keep in mind that it cannot be used with condoms and may present other issues for some people. I will also use a lube injector sometimes so lube is up there already. It helps prolong sex without requiring more lube applications during sex.

There are plenty of other options out there for lube choices, and there are girls who get more wet than I do from what I’ve read on the Facebook Suporn group. So I may or may not be normal, but it’s certainly not a major issue. Keep in mind that many cis women don’t naturally get wet. Here is a link to some Google results for your perusal (didn’t want a single source). I even had a comment posted yesterday on a previous post from a cis woman who doesn’t produce her own lube either. Point is, this is not a problem! If you don’t get wet, get some lube, and have fun. Just make a point to carry it with you. They sell small amounts for exactly this reason.

Hair and hair removal

So while Suporn does remove all hair during the operation, but removes some. He also doesn’t require electrolysis. So, yes I have a hairy vagina if I let it go. I can shave, although that’s super awkward for me. I could go and get it waxed/lasered off, or electrolysis if I want to remove it permanently. I will likely do this down the road, but for the time being it gets shaved if I care. Otherwise it just grows for a bit until it annoys me lol. Just like many other women out there.

I do have hair on the pelvic mound before you get down to the actual vagina itself, then on the outer labia, as well as the fold between outer and inner labias (note, this is the area I dislike the most because I don’t want to nick myself shaving it and it’s really awkward getting to). There isn’t any I’ve found inside the vagina itself, although around the opening there is some.

If you’re not a fan of hair, you’ll probably want to look into waxing or laser post healing. Check out Groupon and such for deals on both as usually it’s not too expensive by me. I can do 6 laser sessions in the brazillian area for ~$250 or so, then get it with a different company for the other 6. I can also do 3 brazillian waxes for about $60 or so that way. Just a matter of what you like and want to do. Smaller areas (i.e. bikini area) are cheaper usually.

Dating

I’ve talked extensively about dating before. I’m still conflicted in many ways how to handle it. However, the way I now handle it is largely a byproduct of my personality. I am one to be pretty direct and up front with that kind of thing and if you’re still interested/around after then you are worth my continued time. If not, no big deal I’ll find somebody who is.

It does create issues, problems, anxiety, and some depression at times. So to help mitigate those I am pretty blase about dates until I get to a point where I think they are worth continuing to talk to, and from there tell them. If they’re still around then I’ll open up more and go from there. This seems to be the best approach for me personally at this point. Will I still do it this way in another year? Or a decade? Who knows, but I’ll figure it out then.

One of the parts that really seems to bother me is that up until I tell people they see me as a woman and depending on the person/scenario want to have sex with me. Then I tell them, and it changes everything. They usually fall into one of two camps. Either the “well I’ve never been with a trans woman, so now I’m curious” or the “I can’t get past you were a guy” (sometimes this also has the bs of them wishing they were better people or know that it shouldn’t matter with it). They rarely say this directly, but things they do say essentially fall into one of those two schools of thoughts.

I get it too. I can see why those two reactions happen. I would like to think I wouldn’t react that way, but if I’m being honest with myself and you the reader (thanks for reading btw!) then I can’t say I’d react differently if I were cis. I’d like to think I would. But I can’t say for certain since I’m not in that situation. If you’re cis and reading this blog though, I’d strongly encourage you to do some introspection to figure out why you’re uncomfortable with it or feel that way. To question what really matters to you in a partner, because I’d be willing to bet that being born with a vagina really doesn’t matter. You just want a partner with a vagina (if you’re into women with vaginas anyways).

For those of you who are pre-op or non-op, don’t go through SRS just to try to make dating/relationships easier. Do it because it’s the right thing for you. SRS isn’t for the feint of heart. It’s an intensive surgery and having gone through it myself then seeing my friend go through it now, I would strongly encourage you to ensure it’s the right thing for you. If it isn’t, then it isn’t. That’s totally fine, and be who you are. Own who you are. You’ll find people who love you for it, so be proud of who you are. Confidence is sexy.

Hormones

I stayed with the same dose (200 mg spiro, 4 mg estrogen, 200 mg progesterone daily) through the past year for the most part. I have not had blood work done since SRS though so I don’t know if this is still appropriate. That said a month or so ago I dropped to 100 mg spiro and have felt better. I’m going to go to the endo in the next month or so to get blood work done to see how this has changed.

Overall thoughts/results

I’d say if 10 was a natal vagina and a 0 was a totally botched procedure that left me with no useful sexual organs at all, I’m generally around a 7 or so in satisfaction of SRS with Suporn. If I figure out some things (like sex/orgasming) and things keep getting better (like scar lines fading/natural lubrication) then it would probably go to an 8 or so. I would absolutely do it again and have no regrets about doing it with Suporn. He did an excellent job and I’d recommend him to anybody else who wants SRS.

SRS and transitioning are not overnight things or a short term goal/process. Both take years to get through. I was extremely fortunate in that I was able to do it quickly, but that also presented its own set of issues that I’m now kinda working through. Either way, you have to work through a lot of stuff. If you go into SRS expecting to be back to normal in a month or two, you’re very mistaken. My friend is looking like she is going to be similar to myself and take 3-4 months to get back to ~80-90% of normal, and 6+ months to get back to 100%. I’d also wager that she will end up going through a lot of self discovery in the next year or two now that she is post-op. She transitioned a few years ago too.

I can say that I feel more comfortable with myself, my body, and the life I lead than I ever did before transition/SRS. There is a lot more to go, but I don’t believe I’ll ever be done working on self improvement. It’s kinda the point of self-improvement after all. This first year has been one hell of a road. It’s been very traumatic for me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I got through it though, and every day is better than the day before it. I’ll run into rough patches in the future as well I know, but some of the internal ones are now behind me. I now meet and date and socialize and interact with people who never knew the person I was. That person is an abstract concept to them. They will never meet that person, and for that I’m thankful. I love who I am today. The body I’m in today. Flaws, imperfections, differences, and all of the other things that make me, well me.

I’ll be doing a reddit AMA on r/AskTransgender if you want to ask questions about my experiences. Thanks for reading and cheers! Time to go celebrate a bit 🙂

Also, as a final note, there are other posts I’m working on as well. I will continue to update this blog over time and may have some guest posts in the future from other people.

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More blood, depression, and pain (SRS +39 days)

It’s been almost a week since my last update… It’s been a rough week. A really shitty week. I alluded to it in one of my recent posts that some issues were happening with one of my partners and I. Unfortunately that hasn’t gotten better and gotten worse to be totally honest. I am so unhappy with where things are. Tramadol is about the only thing keeping me sane, which is really annoying because it’s not even being used because of pain. Instead I’m using it because I’m ever so slightly happier when I have one or two in my system constantly…

As far as the SRS healing goes, well a few days ago I woke up to go to the bathroom. Ended up pushing for #2 but nothing was coming out. When I wiped I found so much blood. I dilated with the medium only and did more of a static dilation method. I swapped working from home last week from so I could stay home that day. Ended up sleeping another 3-4 hours. Didn’t bleed much the rest of Tuesday outside of some spotting. But through this week off and on I’ve been bleeding in various places and to various extents.

Today I woke up to blood having come from between my majora and minora within that fold at the front. That stopped, but wasn’t exactly thrilling to see. That said, it’s not entirely surprising or “scary” as it’s likely that those stitches are going to start falling out and stuff. I’m about 6 weeks, and it’s okay to start cleaning within that fold after 2 months. Which means I’m only 2 weeks from that point. So we’ll see. I also started taking some salt baths (just standard sea salt) as that is supposed to help with healing. Plus it kind of just feels good. I try to only do it once or twice a week though.

I also stopped using hibiscus soap entirely. I feel that was drying things out down there and was causing issues so I switched to just some standard Oil of Olay body wash to clean the outside. It seems to have helped make it feel less dry on the surface. Stitches have been falling out at a rate of 1-2/day. Oh and in really fun news the necrotic skin up by my clit is going away! It’s still there, and not quite gone but it’s clearly healing and might be gone by the 2 month mark at this rate. I hope so.

After I started this post I took a nap mid way through. During that nap I didn’t really fall asleep but didn’t quite stay awake. That haze before going to actual sleep is where I spent the hour or so laying down. Which gave me time to think. And first up was holy shit sex drive. I got so fucking horny and just wanted a hot dude (or chick) to lay on and “belong” to (not in a BDSM way, in a romantic ‘I’m theirs’ way). I haven’t felt I’ve really had that since I’ve been back, and coupled with my sex drive I really wanted it. I thought about seeing if I could cuddle with the guy in our quad… but realized that would be bad because I’d likely attempt to start things… And also thought about a threesome with him and one of my partners lol. Yup… this sex drive thing is nice… just wish I could fucking do something to satiate it lol. The other thing I kind of thought through was regarding the first paragraph and the relationship that’s been causing me issues. I think I’ve kind of came to a “oh, that’s how to move forward without it ending” solution. It’s not ideal, and not what I wanted at this point but it’s better than any other option I’ve thought of or that’s been put out there.

Sooooo fun week. Hopefully next week is better 🙂

And 1 month is down! (SRS +31)

I’m in a philosophical mood, so forgive the rambling. There will be updates about the medical side thrown in but it’s going to be a lot more “free form essay” style.

So here we are. One month in. This past month has been one I never could’ve predicted. I’ve been without the parts I’ve known my whole life for the first whole month of the rest of my life. And I’ve had new parts that I can’t enjoy and are a constant source of stress and pain. I feel like I should be more uneasy, more uncomfortable, or otherwise unhappy with where I’m at because it’s so foreign to me. Because it’s so new. Because it’s painful, not enjoyable (at least I kind of could figure out how to get the old stuff enjoyable sometimes), and I’ve got a long road ahead of me still with recovery. Another 5 months until it gets to the easier side of things of once a day. Another 2 months of having to diligently dilate (whole new meaning to “I’m the DD!”). Another unknown amount of time of constant throbbing, shooting, uncomfortable, irritating pain/discomfort. I’ve never had a persistent 2-3 on the pain scale before this that lasted more than a week or two. I don’t like it. And it makes me feel horrible for those who have to deal with it daily. I wasn’t entirely prepared for just how hard this would be. But, to be fair, there was no real way to know until I was here. Sure you can read everything out there, but nobody else is in your position. So while none of this is entirely unexpected or surprising, holy shit does it wear you down.

But I wouldn’t change a thing and see a happier future. A scary and uncertain one without a doubt, but still happier.

Every day things are more and more tolerable. Last night I took a bath with some salt in it as a little reward for getting through the first month. And today things feel a lot better overall. Yes it’s still uncomfortable, painful, and I have to dilate one more time today. Yes about a week ago is when I hit the more rapid healing point of month 2-3 where things are just overall much tighter. I dilate and just 5-6 hours later (the one after work until bed) and it’s just as tight as it was on the first one that morning. Or the one after 8 hours from working. But, many of the small little pains from tears/cuts/sutures that have fallen out are now not stinging as much. I can actually kind of sit without a cushion to an extent for a little bit. I don’t feel like things are anywhere near as tight. And dilation is tight, but not painful until those last 2-3 cm. So I’m feeling around in the dark. It’s like being asleep and waking up to go to the bathroom in a new house for the first time. You kind of can feel/see your way to where you want to be, but… it’s still kind of groggy and uncertain footing. And each day I’m seeing things get better little by little.

And emotionally/mentally things haven’t been easy. I feel lost at work as I’ve not had new projects come my way and am just trying to find things to do. I feel lost in relationships due to various things I’m not going to get into here as this is a public blog. I’ve got people moving in and out of my house this month. Oh, and I can’t exercise/workout. Well I do walk, but that’s about it. Right now kind of sucks honestly. But somehow, for some reason, I see a better place in my future. What’s funny though is two months ago, outside of anatomy, I was super happy. Everything was going amazingly. Yeah I was stressed, worried, and concerned about SRS. But that was simply fear of the unknown. Now I’m currently not happy, and want the rest of this year to be over so I can move on. Because I do think that in the future once a lot of the shit going on now is over, that I’ll be in a better place. As I know I can be at a place I was two months ago again, just without the SRS concerns/fears. It won’t be the day I had thought it would be 2-3 months ago, but a few months ago wasn’t where I thought I’d really ever be either. So if I can get to that point, then there is no reason to expect I won’t get there again. It’ll take time unfortunately, but one day I’ll wake up happy in my body, mind, soul, financial situation, relationships, career, and where I’m living.

And that’s a day worth looking forward to. Until then, it’s back to grinding out day by day and enjoying each one as much as I can.

Four weeks post op! (SRS +28 days)

Four weeks ago (technically last night at this time) I was knocked out having my insides moved a bit to fit a new hole. And I got to spend it hanging out at work! YAY! Oh… wait. No that’s not a yay. It actually pretty much sucked. I’ve got a ton of tears and things which made it really hurt. So work has been really painful. Today was worse than yesterday. Tomorrow I expect to be worse honestly, as today was worse than yesterday and things I don’t think will heal overnight.

I did get to feel what Tramadol does to me while working. While it killed the pain pretty well, I was otherwise kind of useless and it was really hard to be as focused as I normally am. I hope I don’t have to do that daily. But we’ll see. I’ll do what I have to so I can get through this part. Honestly I think a big factor is just having the movement+weight for that long. Prior to this week it would be maybe 2-4 hours or maybe a bit longer, but then I’d not do much the following day. Oh and I’d get like 8-10 hours sleep. Now I’m getting 7ish.

On the bright side, I only am in the office 4 days a week so at least there is that which is nice. But this still sucks.

On a bit more positive note, my first 4 weeks since surgery are done! I don’t know if you count weeks or numerical months to signify the “one month” thing, but if it’s on a week basis of 4 weeks per month then I’m one month post-op. Which is pretty cool. It also means I’ve been back in the states for over a week, returned to work, and been doing dynamic dilation successfully with minimal (in the grand scheme of things anyways) issues for 2 solid weeks now. That said it still feels “new” to me. Likely because the week after surgery and the first week in the hotel were both pretty busy and I was knocked out of it or otherwise distracted. But I’m 1/3 of the way through the hardest part. As a marathon runner, I’ll say I’m at about mile 8. Which means these next 8-9 are the slog parts. Where you just grit your teeth and get through it. Not “fun”, not “miserable” but the post-start high has worn off, you’ve settled into your rhythm, and try to not think about how much longer is left but instead on just ticking off the miles/days.

And then there was blood (SRS +27 days)

Well, after dilating tonight, I noticed blood on the dilator. It was bright red which meant it was fresh. Which is the first time I’ve seen blood from it. Outside of dried/dead stuff as I’d clean out post-dilation anyways. I guess more accurately it’s the first time I’ve seen blood that was fresh. Most likely it came from the urethra as more stitches have fallen out and all of them on the urethra have come out apparently. So it’s not entirely surprising. Although since it’s the first time I wasn’t exactly thrilled with it, but it stopped pretty quickly. I might’ve just done dynamic dilation too vigorously.

Also, now that I’m about a month out I’ve now set my new mark to care about… 3 months. Which as I mentioned in my previous post is election day here in the US. Which is somehow 58 days out, not 60. But it’s 12 weeks in any case. I might end up not changing anything that day, but wait another week or two depending on how things feel. If things are tight still I’ll keep doing 3x/day. But I can’t wait to go back  down to only twice a day. Ugh.

Right now dilation feels like it’s consuming my life. Each dilation is anywhere from 45-90 minutes (usually averaging about an hour from the pre-shower to clean things, until the post shower and silvex is applied). Rough chronology for dilation looks like this:

  • 5 min to undress, do pre-dilation cleaning, and rinse it off
  • 5 min to get everything setup (I could do this faster or more efficiently but it kind of relaxes me to do it this way) within arms reach that I’ll need
  • 5-10 min getting music setup and started along with relaxing just laying there (not needed, but I enjoy it anyways), and then getting glove on right hand, condoms opened, lube uncapped, etc
  • 5 min using my middle finger to open/relax/stretch the muscles around the opening a bit
  • 10-20 minutes getting to depth
    • Medium is much faster and usually get to depth in about 10 minutes
    • Large (without medium first) is a lot slower and takes more time as it’s only a cm or two per minute roughly
  • 10-20 minutes at depth with dynamic dilation method
    • If medium is used first, I’ll spend 5-10 minutes at depth with it before switching to large and another 5-10 minutes at depth with the large
      • Note – if I use medium then large there is a 5-10 minute period it takes to get the large one to depth.
    • If large is used first, I’ll spend 10-15 minutes with it at depth
  • 5 min laying there after removing the dilator to just “come down” from it so to speak (not that there is a sexual component or anything at present, but like a hard workout it is nice to just collapse in a chair after lol)
  • 10-15 minutes for cleanup, the flow that works well for me is:
    •  Take dilators with me into the bathroom, and gently place into the sink.
    • Remove condoms, and hold in the glove as I pull the glove off (so it’s reversed and condoms are inside)
    • Get my douche, with some lube on the spout part, and get in the shower turning on the water to a warm temp.
    • Attach the bulb to the spout/nozzle
    • Slowly and very carefully insert the spout/nozzle part
    • Squeeze the bulb to push the water into the vaginal opening and watch for what comes out (in case of blood, make sure I see lube, etc)
    • Remove douche
    • Pee
    • Clean off lube from the rest of me (namely my butt)
    • Get out of shower, dry off, then use a foaming hand soap to clean the dilators and douche

I know that doesn’t add up to 90 minutes on the high end, but that is more my average time (it’s slightly inflated, but I prefer to plan for a bit over an hour and then go from there).

Back to the blood though, we’ll see over the next few days what happens. Hopefully it doesn’t make dilation worse, that’s the main thing I care about currently.

First week at home, working from home (SRS +26 days)

Okay so it’s been an interesting week since I’ve been back. A lot has happened personally in my relationships that hasn’t made it the easiest week. My hormones are still screwed up and are working on getting back to normal, although who knows what “normal” is now though. Lose some hormone producing parts, body likely overcompensates and produces an excess, and I’m only about a week of being back on them. Couple that with a few other factors (pain, stress, timing of some stuff, etc) and it just makes it a less than ideal week emotionally speaking. But you’ll have that.

The upside though, is that dilation and healing has gotten drastically better! So first with the bad. I have a lot of various spots that have pain. It feels like it’s a micro-tear or little cut in that things sting. Then there is the constipation issues as my body hasn’t figured out how to do that normally again yet (and no I’m not taking pain killers which cause that to happen). Add in that my urethra now I can feel when dilating (not just the end, but way further up) which is weird and not enjoyable. Oh and things are swollen. I also have this weird thing running down my left leg sometimes that is a very strange feeling. Then there are the random shooting pains during dilation. And I think I now see why they say dilate 3x/day, as today I only did 2x due to how things fell (1 PM which was 14 hours after finishing up the one prior, and second at 11 PM which was 10 hours later) today logistically. And things were tight both times. Although, that said I was able to hit depth and it wasn’t a problem, just took a little longer. Also things now seem to be contracting stronger (at least today) which either means my body is in “month 2 and 3” style healing, or it’s because I waited. Either case, I need to make sure to go back to 3x/day. The showering is killing my body. It’s drying out my skin something fierce. Lotion helps, but still 6x showers/day is rough.

So what’s good then? That’s a pretty long list of bad right? Well it is. But, these are more minor gripes/annoyances than “holy crap I don’t know how I’m going to get through this dilation… let alone another 1-2 today, and another 60+ days of it… FML why did I do this again?” Granted that only really happened 2-3 times when I was still in Thailand (and then remembered why I did this or see myself in the mirror naked and am happy about what I see). Moving on though, this is actually a better place than where things were just a week ago. I’ve had 5-7 stitches fall out, including the lowest one on my urethra that I could feel during dilation. I’ve had some other ones along the minora also fall out with more loosening up. This is about when Dr. Suporn said they would, so yay! This just is one of the reasons things sting. When a new stitch falls out, it usually makes the next dilation or two sting there. But because they have been falling out it’s made it less painful. I took two laxatives the night before that the clinic gives, and today I think just about everything is back to normal there. Well we’ll see about constipation tomorrow/next day, but at least tonight I wasn’t competing for space internally while dilating. I can also go right to the large if I want, although it’s about the same amount of total time as it takes longer to get to depth. I also have my routine pretty well set, I can sit for extended periods, I can drive my manual car (although not super enjoyable), I caught up on a lot of work I needed to do during this time out of the office, and swelling (while still there) has gone down immensely. I can also sit without a cushion, provided I put one leg under the other in a chair.

So things are moving along. It’s still a long and tedious process of recovery. And I don’t enjoy dilation and don’t see how that could be sexual at some point, but I’m sure it will be. All in all a lot has happened just in the week since I got back as far as the healing process. And while it’s not totally healed, pain-free, I can have enjoyable sex, and dilate every so often (or substitute sex to some extent) it’s so much better than it was. During static dilation I had no idea how I would get through 3 months of that pain. It hurt so much. Moving to dynamic wasn’t as painful as I expected, but adding in a 3rd session really sucks. Upside is 3 months is election day here in the US, which means I just have to get to the point where I find out if I should’ve just stayed in Thailand or not lol. When I think of how long the primary season was (almost 6 months) and how that dragged but still was quick due to me watching it and reading about it a ton, I think that it’ll be here before I know it. And until then, throw on some music (Spotify discover weekly playlist), get comfortable, and dilate 3x/day. This might not be too bad *knock on wood*

Flight home (SRS +20)

Being up at 3 AM sucked. I had a 24 hour flight ahead of me, which with travel time to/from airports meant about 30 hours between dilations at minimum. I wasn’t sure how this would work. But whatever. Has to happen eventually.

Bangkok->Tokyo via ANA in economy
I had a person help with a wheel chair to take me between planes in the airports. He picked me up at the ticket counter and wheeled me to a holding area. He was very helpful, and offered to take me past the food area. I accepted, although sadly there wasn’t much there. The Burger King they had didn’t serve breakfast. So instead I skipped breakfast outside of some pistachios and water. He wheeled me over to a waiting area. So I just hung out on my laptop and charged my phone. I waited about an hour or so.

The last 30 minutes or so was spent talking to a nice guy that was originally sleeping in the airport. I’m sure he will never find this site, but he was a really nice guy. We talked about various things, but I hope he has fun doing his backpacking trip through Vietnam. It sounded interesting and like a unique trip. The guy who was helping me came by and took me to my gate. I was first to board.

Thankfully, it was an empty flight mostly. I got a row to myself, unfortunately somebody in front of me was in a fully occupied row so a woman moved to the aisle seat. The middle was empty though, which gave extra leg room. I slept for maybe an hour of the flight. Which was nice. This flight was long, and was crappy sitting on a pillow the whole time. But I made it to Tokyo and had an hour to get to my next flight.

Tokyo->DC via United in business
This was an amazing flight. Dinner service was 2 hours. This meant the first 3 hours of a 12 hour flight was eating and being distracted by eating. Then I slept for the next 4 hours or so. When I woke up I just kind of screwed around on my laptop and watched some more episodes of Person of Interest (great show BTW). Breakfast started about 1.5 hours out from DC. So all said and done a 13 hour flight felt more like a 3-4 hour flight, and was super comfortable thanks to the lie flat seating. I could adjust so my weight was off my pussy entirely. I got off that flight and it was less sore than it was when I got up that morning.

The trip through the DC airport sucked. I do not like that airport and will avoid it if I can moving forward. But I got to my gate and on my last flight.

DC->Home via United First Class (CRJ-7 plane)
This was the shortest flight ever. From gate to gate was maybe an hour and 15 minutes. With 45 min of flight time. That said it was super quick and relatively painless. Nothing really of note on this flight. Nothing really to make note of here. My metamour came to pick me up. The drive back to my house wasn’t the best thanks to the shitty roads.

First dilation after 30 hours
This sucked. Wasn’t the worst dilation ever, but jesus were things tight. It took about an hour and a half to get done due to the pain/tightness. But I made it through it. The next one wasn’t the best either, but once again made it through it and wasn’t the worst one ever. I took two tramol each time, the first time it hadn’t kicked in. The second one I took at 330 AM when I woke up and dilated about 2 hours later after going back to sleep. It definitely had kicked in by that point.

Also, my partner who didn’t join was fucking awesome and did a ton to get my house cleaned and staged for things. It was wonderful.