Lesbian sex, more kink, and an interesting weekend (SRS +11.5 months)

As with the past few posts… there might be some NSFW or otherwise uncomfortable content in here. Proceed if you’re okay with that. This is the only warning on this post.

A good friend of mine happened to have SRS last week with a different surgeon here in the US. I’ve attempted to get her to do some guest posts here of her experiences to get an idea from another surgeon and another persons perspective on it, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to. I’ll be doing a more in depth post later as I went out to visit her (luckily could schedule a work trip nearby that I had to do anyways) and have been helping her post-SRS. I’ll say this, it’s a really weird feeling to be on the other side of it and know what they are going through and there is nothing you can do about it. I’ll keep this brief as it’s not the point of this post, however it’s something that might provide some insights into another perspective and will be coming in the near future. On to the main point of this post though.

Recently I went to a kink event that was a weekend long hotel takeover. I went with the main group of kinky friends I have. I got my own room with a girl I spent a week in Germany and Amsterdam with (looks like I forgot to type that up, but was around the time of the job interviewing… I also got together with a girl I met in Chonburi as well… it was an… interesting trip) and a girl I met through kink stuff. We got a room right next to some of the friends group I know with a connecting door. I’m going to refer to the the girl from Amsterdam as Red (get it… Amsterdam, red light district, we were there together… I’m so original) moving forward though.

Red and I have started doing rope shibari practice together and going to kink events together, along with non-kink events. I’ve known her for almost a year now (about a month after the quad fell apart last fall). We had one bed in Europe for a week and only had sex one night in Amsterdam, which was really awkward for me and resulted in me having a total emotional breakdown. That was fun. Point here is that her and I have maintained a friendship across varying experiences, and so we were going to this event as friends. On the way down to this hotel takeover we had a few hours of driving to talk. We ended up talking about a wide variety of things about our views on partners, relationships, sex with men vs women (and how rough guys are fingering many times), and many other topics. After getting to the hotel we got into our room and got ready for the first night of the event. She wasn’t entirely sure what to expect having never gone to something like this, but quickly found herself beating a guy with another girl. We kinda did our own thing in many ways, but then went back to the room around 2 AM.

So here’s where the connecting door and adjoining room thing comes back into play, as they were doing a variety of scenes in there when we were all trying to go to sleep. Red and I were in the same bed and cuddling as we’ve done many times before. Nobody in our room was able to sleep though due to the neighboring room, although we had lights out and eyes closed kind of thing. At one point though Red starts making out with me out of the blue. I’m confused, but went with it since we’d had sex before without it affecting our friendship. She ends up going down on me. This is something that I’m pretty uncomfortable with for some reason. It’s almost like I’m shy or ashamed of things, especially with a cis chick as no matter how amazing the results are… It’s still not a natal vagina. It’s a mental thing I’ve yet to figure out. I also haven’t orgasmed from a partner/sex. I came close with my ex once, but since then haven’t even been close. We switched and I went down on her, she got off a few times, then we just basically cuddled after. The room next to us had quieted down and we went to sleep.

The next day were a lot of classes and workshops (yes, kinky people go to classes to learn how to properly tie, beat, choke, cut, degrade, or do whatever it is you’re into in a safe way). After nap and dinner with Red and the other girl we roomed with, we all got ready for the second night play party. Red was more affectionate and wanting to touch/hold hands/etc which had never really happened before like that. I chalked it up to the endorphin high you get at kink events, which was what I attributed sex to the night before to as well. We all did our own thing again, watching some really cool stuff (suspended hogties are crazy intense to watch), I did an intimate scene with a trans girl who flogged me, etc etc. We got to the room and all passed the hell out as we were dead tired. The next morning we all got up, got our stuff together, and headed out. Something felt different with Red and I though.

When we got back to my place we were talking about taking a nap so I invited her in. We did no napping of any kind to say the least. We started in a domme/sub kind of playing situation (she’s the domme one) before getting into the first time I had lesbian sex with a strap on. Yeah… so… that is pretty fucking amazing. I’ve had sex with ex’s using a strap on pre-SRS, but anal and vaginal sex are way different. Vaginal sex is so much more intimate. Perhaps it’s because there is an emotional connection with the person I was having sex with (much like I had with my out of town friend I hung out with a few weeks ago). Perhaps it’s because she’s very attractive. Whatever the reason is, while I didn’t get off it was highly enjoyable. It also was one of those idyllic days where it’s the perfect temp, windows open, post sex tranquility, birds, and cuddling with a person you care for. I could’ve lived in that moment forever.

Red and I both realized that our relationship had changed through this weekend. We moved things past friendship. Unfortunately into what was clouded by a lot of the things that happen post-kink events. It’s common to get super clingy and needy after these events. We both were having that kind of stuff going on and it made detangling our emotions around one another and where Red and I now were in our relationship was going to have to wait so we both could work through things. I was extremely confused by the whole thing emotionally speaking. When her and I first met on like the third date we had the “what are we” conversation and agreed to be just friends. I’d locked it into that realm since that point. Now I’m being told I can let those emotions out?

We texted throughout the next few days, but then got together for dinner to talk about “what now” and where we were with things. It’s funny, I feel like this is a relationship I’ve had forever, but also that has the “new relationships energy” going strong. We had a great evening together, and by the end of it I could definitively say I was no longer single and now have a gf. That’s weird to type. It’s been so long since I’ve had that and I wasn’t looking for it (which is always the case it seems). The next few months already have some stuff going on that is going to likely strain things a bit, none the least of which is we’ll probably not see one another more than once or twice until September due to schedules and various things in our respective lives. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe the entire way things have developed with Red is a good thing. I’ve never gone from friends to romantic partners before. I’m going to have to curtail a lot of the excitement/enjoyment stuff for the limited amount of time I’ll be able to spend with her for the first few months of things together.

One thing I can say is that I’m confident this isn’t going to be a brief relationship. Like if we’re together in a year from now, I won’t be surprised in the least. I might be looking through rose colored glasses but I’m also kinda optimistic about it. Then there is the guy who I spent the weekend with in another state a few weeks back (although unfortunately him and I haven’t been able to talk much since a conversation about a week later where we both said we had feelings for one another and wanted to explore those… stupid life shit getting in the way lol). Oh, and I’ve got a guy I’ve been talking to extensively that I’m exploring things with as well who is local. I don’t know what has happened, why it’s happened, or why these people want to be in romantic relationships with me. I’m really glad that things are where they are. It’s been a little bit since I’ve been this optimistic about life, especially around my romantic future. Pretty cool to think back to a year ago and see where I am today.

Dating v2

A little while back I put together a blog post about dating after SRS. That post was put together pretty soon after a situation happened that hit me kinda hard where I started talking to a girl on Fetlife, we hit it off really well, and the conversation went to getting together. Since she lives in another city and I’d be staying with her and her bf with sexual things planned, I told her. She said I “misled” her by not disclosing on my profile and to never contact her again. Due to being in a pretty rough spot from relationships ending, it hit me even harder. I also see the “trans” descriptor largely a historical aspect as it’s not really relevant to my day to day, it means it’s more in the back of my mind. I chalked it up to a difference of opinion ultimately, albeit one that still bothers me a bit.

Now we’re a few months removed from that situation and I’ve been dating since then. A lot more successfully too, and after a recent reddit thread I thought a new post might be warranted. Plus I’m in a mood to opine on life.

From that December situation I changed a bit of how I approach this stuff and it seems to be largely why things have been going a bit better. One big change though is my mental and emotional health is a lot better now, albeit still not back where I want it. That’s a post for another night though. My current method has primarily been to handle it in one of two (well a 3rd that’s out of my control) ways, as I ultimately know I’ll disclose it to a partner (total “stealth” from a partner I’m not sure is realistic, or ideal which I’ll get into later in the post).

  1. Standard talking online/app/whatever, arrange a date/time to get together, and then like the day before or day of try to casually mention it in conversation letting them know if they don’t want to get together just to let me know. This can result in a mildly depressing night though if it results in a cancelled date which has happened. Most of the people I’ve talked to though are already more LGBT friendly due to my screening early on, and it hasn’t been an issue most of the time.
  2. The other main option is to do the normal talking thing followed by a date or two. Then tell them before we do a date in private (i.e. their place or mine) and/or before sex happens. Usually it’s after the first, before the 4th, and done via text. This can be problematic as some people will feel “lead on” so it’s not a one size fits all solution either.
  3. If the right situation presents itself I’ve disclosed before on a date or in conversation as well. One date I had a girl who mentioned she thought about transitioning (FtM) earlier in her life. At that point I disclosed I was trans and all that. Her and I have had a lot of fun times in the intervening time.

Regardless of the time I disclose it, I try to do it as casually as possible. Something along the lines of:

One quick thing is I want to let you know I’m post-op trans. It’s part of my past and not really anything currently relevant to my life, but I make a point to put it out there early on.

Casually disclosing it makes it a lot less of a “thing” and much more of a FYI thing. By not putting a focal point on it “defining” me I show them how I perceive it personally while keeping potential partners informed. Informed consent is a good thing, and I know some trans people will vehemently disagree with my views on it but this is how I perceive things for myself.

Which leads to the conversation about “total stealth.” Do people get away with never telling a partner? Absolutely. It’s also your life to disclose what you want to with a partner. I don’t see “total stealth” working for me though. Right out the gate what are the odds that I’ll go the next ~60 years with a long term partner who *won’t* find out or figure it out? I’d wager pretty low. If they find out it can potentially undermine any and all trust built in the relationship. Let’s set that aside for the moment though. I also don’t want to be with a partner who wouldn’t want to be with me if I “was a dude” or something like that. If a partner has an issue that I once had different anatomy, then that’s not going to be a relationship I’d want to have long term. Finally, I’m not ashamed of my past. I own my past. I might not want to put it all out there from the start, but I also don’t put out there my financial situation right off the start either. Everybody does this, it’s normal to not put everything out there up front. Not that you shouldn’t if you believe you should, or choose to. Just don’t put it out there if right away if you don’t want to. I want somebody to share my life with (or people if it is a poly scenario), and that means I share my past with them too. I want to be able to tell them “my balls hurt” jokingly (as an aside, havinga vasectomy many years back means there are two “balls” of scar tissue that hurt sometimes… I’m going to look into options to fix that at some point but need to wait for things to heal first). I want to be able to joke about trans stuff. It’s who I am. I enjoy self deprecating humor, and jokes about gender is rather enjoyable at times.

Am I handling this ideally? I don’t know, but it’s working for me so far. And by working I mean I can live with the results and ramifications of how I choose to approach this topic when dating.Is it ideal? No, I’d greatly prefer to not have to mention it because nobody cares and it’s not a problem for anybody in society. That’s too idyllic at this point in time socially speaking. Especially with the state of politics in the US at present. We’ll see if things change over time in how I date, it’ll be interesting to see.

And then it got easy (SRS +17 weeks)

First, I’ve switched to weeks in my updates instead of days. My updates have been hit or miss more frequently and beyond that most people aren’t going to want to convert 119 days into weeks/months. So, it’s much easier to swap to weeks as that’s easier math to convert to months. So you’ll start to see that in the title pages.

Now, on to the actual post and relevant content. So two weeks ago I was in Dallas for a second time last month. It was a really good trip (well except on the work side of things as that really didn’t get everything done once again and will need yet another trip down to do that work). One of the really cool things was dilation the last day there all of a sudden was super easy. The morning it was normal. That evening I was already “loosened up” in the pelvic floor and it just slid right in to like 14 cm pretty quick. I waited to post a lot about it in case it was a fluke. But now that it’s been about 10 days or so of pretty consistent easier dilations… I’m feeling comfortable to say that basically the 4 month mark was the next milestone.

Prior to that dilating would take 45-60 minutes usually. Sometimes it’d be a little faster, but not usually. However, now I’m done usually in 30 minutes or so from start. I’ll sometimes go longer just because I can at that point and I’m watching a show or something. But I can get up at 715, shower, dilate, and shower again by 8 (assuming I don’t shave or anything in the shower). Whereas before I’d have to shower before roommates @ like 630 I can now sleep in another 30 minutes from where I used to have to get up at month 2ish. So that’s pretty cool. I’m expecting in a week or so for things to tighten back up for a few days or something before becoming easier again based on how the healing process has gone thus far.

I still need to dilate 2x/day. I dilated 1x/day Sunday and Monday morning was tighter again. I could go down to 1x/day if I have to for some reason, but it’s much better to do it twice a day still. Which isn’t too bad now that basically both dilations are done in the amount of time it used to take for a single dilation session at 2 months in. Reading in the FB group from other girls it appears that 3-5 months is about where it gets easier, usually about 4 months for most girls. Then the next big one is around the 5-7 mark where the one day dilation stuff is even easier/faster. At this point dilation still feels onerous in ways (like now I’m doing this blog to delay dilating… so far for 45 minutes), and I don’t look forward to it still. But I hate it less and less. It’s becoming more and more just a part of life. Unfortunately since I dropped to 2x/day earlier than I should’ve it means I’ll be stuck here for a long time. Or so it’ll feel like anyways. Because I’ve been at 2x/day for 7-8 weeks roughly now, and likely have another 7-8 before I’ll get to one more a day. Upside is since it’s the holiday period time is going really quickly (well that and more of my life has crumbled in the past week as roommates are moving out and now my next 2-3 year plan is out the window and has to be re-worked… but that’ll happen). The rest of this month should go quick. Then Jan might go quick as well since I’m expecting another work trip or two in Jan.

Finally, still haven’t gotten off and things usually are kinda “meh” feeling down there. Doesn’t feel good or bad just like rubbing my arm more or less. I haven’t had sex again since the first time. I did have some sexual stuff happen in Dallas, but nothing really of note and it really didn’t do anything for me. I think that one of the main reasons anymore is I need to have an emotional connection. I don’t know that I can get off on meaningless/emotionless sex anymore. We’ll see though as I’m still a ways off in healing and have a lot ahead of me on this road. I am trying to get back out there dating and stuff after the end of relationships (although part of me wishes the one ex would say she wants me in her life and to start dating again), but I’m not really forcing anything. Unfortunately at this point still I have to disclose I’m trans as things are healing and you can tell due to the scarring/swelling that still exists. But there’s potential there for the short term. Since my 3 year plan is in chaos I don’t even know if I’ll be in the same state 6 months from now so I’m not sure about relationships. Whatever. Sex will be enjoyable again one day. Until then, dilate and get back to work.

Oh, and one more thing… did volleyball last night without issues dilating after. So that’s cool. Looks like I can return to sports (I was doing my normal stupidity of diving and stuff) now. Starting a soccer and vball league in Jan which should be fun especially since it shouldn’t make dilation harder based on recent experiences with exercise+dilation soon after.

What I could’ve done differently to avoid the fear and anxiety I had

Recently I posted about my fear and anxiety around SRS. It was a long post, and I didn’t have time to fit in things I wanted to. Specifically regarding what I could’ve done differently to avoid these feelings, or at least help minimize them. So I’m breaking it up into two posts and what I’d have done differently with the benefit of hindsight is what this post is going to be about. I can’t promise that you won’t feel scared, anxious, or afraid. I can’t promise it’ll all be sunshine, roses, puppy dogs, and unicorns either. SRS is rough. Even the best prepared will run into their own struggles and personal fights to overcome. But you can prepare yourself better than I did. And one thing I can tell you without reservation is that I wouldn’t change a damn thing. Everyday I am just intangibly happier with my body and myself, even if the day is shit I’d still prefer to have a bad day today than that exact same bad day pre-SRS or pre-transitioning. And I know I’m not the only one who feels that way post-SRS (most girls I’ve talked to or interacted with have felt this way). So… here’s what I’d have done differently with what I know today.

Suggestion 1 – Self reflection and time to emotionally/mentally prepare
Probably the thing that would’ve helped the most would’ve been for me to have given myself time to mentally and emotionally be ready for SRS. This is kind of a nebulous thought, so what do I mean by it? Well, I went from being uncertain if I’d ever get SRS to waking up post-SRS in just a bit under 4 months. And the simple fact of the matter is I rushed things. I did this for my own reasons, but I shouldn’t have. By compressing the time scale down to a few months, I didn’t give myself time any time to really work through emotions I was feeling around it nor to mentally prepare. It meant I had to focus on logistics of SRS (work time away, letters, travel, booking, moving money, etc etc etc) instead. Emotional prep-work would’ve consisted of, for me, meditation time basically. Be it go to a scenic place and think introspectively, run/bike, take baths, etc. That said, honestly I think for myself I needed more time to process it. If my original date in Aug 2017 had been kept, I’d have been a lot more comfortable I think as a lot of that would’ve kinda worked itself out. Also, if you’ve recently decided to get SRS (i.e. within the past 6 months), give yourself 6+ months before getting SRS even if a date opens up. Other dates will open up (watch their calendar setting up alerts as I talk about in this post), promise.

Suggestion 2 – Have a boring life
Okay, so I am all for having a busy and exciting life. But make your life as boring as possible from about 1 month pre-SRS to 3-4 months post-SRS. I had a roommate moving out, while two partners moved in (the half the poly quad that didn’t already live here), big work projects, work travel, all the logistics of SRS, poly stuff (i.e. partners dating new people, which I’m all for and would never “veto” a partner starting a new relationship… but holy crap was it bad timing for me), figuring out finances for the next 4 months (as I tapped almost everything I had to be able to afford it at that point in time) to make sure I could pay my bills, etc etc etc. I was crazy. Coupled with points from suggestion 1 around not having time this made this exponentially harder. Try to get 1-2 weeks before leaving pretty calm at work. At least as calm as you can realistically do. If you travel for work, don’t that last month (once again, only if possible). Have finances all setup and money ready to send over (i.e. don’t scramble to find the money like I had to). Find arrangements for pets if you have them as well as house/apartment checkups/sitter as you can’t let mail go over a month (plus they can let you know if anything legitimately urgent happens). Don’t have people move in or out if you’re with roommates. Basically block about 4 months (-1 month through the end of 3 months post) and put them in a change lockdown (to use an IT reference). Try your best to keep things static through these 4 months. At least to as much as you can control. If you can’t do 4 months, the 2 weeks before and 6-8 weeks after are the most critical as your hormones will be in flux plus pain and getting used to recovery regimen.

Suggestion 3 – If you have a partner (or more), talk. And talk some more.
This is going to likely be a really stressful point in your life. Even for those who are resolute in their decision and haven’t questioned it at all, recovery can be hard. Your hormones and biochemistry have to adjust to the new “normal” which takes time. You might be kind of pissy/short/bitchy with partners at times. Or really emotional/depressed. Or just in a lot of pain. And there is very little they will be able to do to “fix” the problem(s). They’ll feel potentially helpless as well as potentially similar things to caregivers syndrome. So before going, when you’re both in good places talk about each of your expectations and build a framework for hot to handle things. In my case, I should’ve asked my partners if we could’ve not dated externally through this period. I’d also have asked them what will they need from me during this period (especially if they’re with me). They may need/want time alone so how could that work? If you’re in a lot of pain (I cried from pain through most static dilations I did because I tried avoiding pain killers… which don’t do that either… you have them take them per the clinic guidelines) they will be unable to likely help, do they want to be around for that or not if it happens? Is there anything they want to do/see while there? Your hormones and biochemistry will be out of whack when you return still as you’re off hormones about 10 days, then get SRS, your body will react to the lack of any hormones (you’re allowed to start 7-14 days after usually), then you’ll start them again. I was on HRT for 19 months when I got SRS. If you’ve been on them longer it might not be that bad for you, but for me it was very reminiscent of when I started HRT. But had the added issue of pain on top of that which makes it much more intense. If your partners are there with you or help you upon your return, make sure they know how much they mean to you. Don’t neglect them or their support and make sure their needs are being cared for as well.

Suggestion 4 – Take your damn pain meds*
I’m a stubborn bitch. I thought I could get through SRS without pain meds (beyond those handed to me in the hospital as part of the group of pills they just bring in). I didn’t want to risk getting addicted, plus I am kind of a masochist. I enjoy feeling my body healing after injuries. I’ve very rarely taken any kind of OTC drug like ibuprofen. I’ve actively avoided it. When I started HRT I actually struggled for a day or two before starting with having to accept I’d need to take pills for life because I’m that against it. This was a mistake. You’re recovering from some pretty heavy body trauma. It’s a multi-hour surgery. You don’t recover from those quickly and usually they aren’t pain-free experiences through recovery. I didn’t take tramadol for a while out of the hospital. And even after I started it was rare. It wasn’t until I got home that I started taking it more. Looking back on this it was stupid. Taking a tramadol twice a day wouldn’t have made me an addicted to it, although my body might physically have become addicted to it. But this can be done responsibly through simple stuff like limiting your dose, weaning off of it, only taking it when in a lot of pain or an hour+ before dilation (if they are painful), etc. Don’t try to “tough it out” or otherwise be stubborn. Pain management is a critical part of recovery. Don’t neglect it.

*Note – This applies if you have not been addicted to drugs or alcohol in the past and otherwise are able to take opiate based pain killers (or others that are equally strong). I’ve never been addicted to drugs or alcohol. If you have been addicted to drugs/alcohol, think you’re susceptible to becoming addicted, or otherwise have concerns around pain killers ensure you talk to the clinic about them. They have worked with thousands of patients and are experts in what they do. But you need to talk to them about your situation(s) and/or concerns so they can address them properly and safely.

Suggestion 5 – Be prepared for a culture shock if you’ve never gone to Southeast Asia/China
I have grown to really love Thailand through my experience there. But I’d be lying if I said my middle class, white, midwest self wasn’t thrown off balance and into a bit of shock at first. I haven’t been a minority really before. I have always empathized and supported equality for all regardless of race, religion, gender, orientation, etc. But, empathizing and being an ally are not the same as experiencing them. It took a bit to get used to. Try to get there a few days before surgery (3-4 would be good) to get acclimated to the environment. Walk around, get a feel for the food, area, culture, cultural norms, etc. Build this in to your trip.

Suggestion 6 – Notes from day of check-in to getting wheeled down to the OR
You’ll likely have a range of emotions, adrenaline, and/or thoughts the day before SRS. If you’re anxious tell the nurses/clinic staff. Spend time with people that came with, or talk to other patients who are recovering. Try your best to relax. Watch a movie, read a book, write a journal/blog entry, post an AMA on Reddit (asktrans for example), etc etc. Try to do something you enjoy doing and find relaxing. Be prepared to get hit with a lot of stuff through this point. From their psychologist, to anesthesiologist, to told to go to bed, to constant blood pressure/vital checks (IIRC it’s every hour or two) there’s a lot. Talk to the clinic staff or nurses if you feel worried about having anxiety the morning of. If you had somebody (or people) join you, they can come with down to the OR. Take the time you need with them. You’ll be a bit rushed most likely, at least I felt I was, but take the minute or two to hug them and thank them for being there. If you’re going through it on your own try to remember you’ve spent a long time getting to this point, and if you’ve done suggestion 1 then you’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it and getting ready for this point in time. Rely on that. Trust yourself that you’ve done your due diligence. When you go into the OR let them know you’re scared/afraid. The head nurse was amazing and will help to comfort you. Do your best to take deep breaths and relax. If you’ve done meditation exercises before, this is a good time for them. Everybody is different, but figure out what works for you to help calm yourself down. Practice it before hand.

Suggestion 7 – Prepare for the unexpected
I had flight delays causing me to miss my connecting in Tokyo. I had relationship things that popped up. I had unexpected culture shock. I had a ton of stress not being able to find the clinic staff in the airport (because I was on edge and didn’t read instructions well enough… in a similar vein as 6… calm down and read this stuff). I didn’t know if SRS would get canceled due to the issue with flights and stuff. I wasn’t prepared for my partner to leave. I wasn’t prepared for the pain nor post-surgical recovery having never been in a surgery before (well I was when I was <5 years old but I don’t remember it really). I wasn’t prepared for having no life upon return. I quite frankly just wasn’t prepared because I didn’t know what to expect. There are going to be potential hiccups during this trip/surgery/recovery. Try to plan for them. But when they come up take a step back, a few deep breaths, and try to regain control. Feeling like you’re out of control is a bad place to be and what I felt like through a lot of this. As though I was just holding on for dear life to the tattered remains of the harness I had on my life. If I had listened to the things I’ve talked about in this post I might’ve felt more in control and less helpless. This isn’t something to be taken lightly (as I effectively did). Plan, prepare, and execute that plan. When the unexpected comes up if you haven’t thought of that exact situation don’t just react (as much as possible). If you’ve ever been part of a project based team and worked in/with project management, this is very similar. You don’t change the plan when the unexpected happens. Don’t be reactionary like me. Prepare for this. It’s not worth it to rush through it or just “wing it.”

I can’t hope to begin to cover all the potential situations or things that could come up or how to prepare yourself specifically. I can provide my perspective and ways to have made the things I ran into easier. And hopefully it can provide a helpful basis for your own journey so you go into this from a strong place than I did. It helps in the months after while you heal to not have had a tumultuous journey through SRS. There is no way to know what post-SRS is like, especially through those first 2-3 months. Some things are pretty common, or will happen, like learning how to control your bladder (it takes some getting used to). Others, like partners moving in, might not be. So the more you can plan and prepare everything within your control going into it the better you’ll be coming out of it. It’s a once in a lifetime ride, try to make it the most enjoyable ride you can.

Edit: Oh… and one more thing… Even with every issue I ran into through this process there has not been a single moment that has gone by where I’ve thought, “you know… life would be better with a penis.” It hasn’t been easy, and I’m not where I want to be in a post-SRS life… but I wouldn’t go back to who I was or the body I had. This has unquestionably been worth it to me thus far and I have no reason to believe that’ll change one day.

 

Two months down… Oh and birthdays suck (SRS +56 days/8 weeks)

So… I made it through month 2 and have started month 3. And I happened to have a birthday right around that point. One of those stupid decade so-called important ones. And it sucked. I can’t do what I would’ve done to celebrate pre-op. I can’t celebrate how I’d want to post-op. And I can’t have the one fucking thing I want for my birthday. Sex with one of my partners. Perhaps the worst birthday ever. I know the future is great and all, but fuck if the present doesn’t majorly fucking blow.

I ran out of condoms now, and have stopped using them. I had bought a 144 pack off Amazon for like $15 just because for some reason using them still was an idea that seemed right to do. I’m about 1/3 of the way through my QC gel, and I’m debating starting to mix in some coconut oil in the next few weeks (seems like most things say 3 months/12 weeks, but then many post-op girls in the suporn FB group seem to use it sooner). I’m still using the tarp thingy and absorbent pads because I’m lazy and don’t want to soak through towels.

One semi-positive thing is that my one gf and I played a bit Sunday morning by her fingering me and I likely would’ve gotten off. Unfortunately it caused bleeding, which is not unexpected in the least. Also I hadn’t dilated yet, so next time will be post-dilation. So I’ll likely need to give it another week or two before trying again. Although I guess it’d need to be this weekend as the one after isn’t available. Damn. So one or three weeks it looks like. We’ll see.

Things are looking overall better down there and I can sit without a cushion to an extent. Sometimes I need to cross one leg under the other which helps to shift weight back and off the pussy. There’s still constant pain in some way. Usually around the outer lips. I’ve taken Tramadol off and on as needed which is wonderful stuff. Not sure I’ll be able to get more though unfortunately as I take 2-3/week which means I’d run out month 4-5ish. The clit is way off limits still as it’s very uncomfortable to do anything other than in the vagina or outside rubbing.

I can now hit almost 18. I could likely push to get deeper, but @ 7+ inches (i.e. 17 cm) I don’t know that it’s really needed. Dilations are still 2x/day most days but things are beginning to get tighter it would seem which seems to happen months 3-5ish. So we’ll see what happens there, but I’ll likely work to go back to 3x/day as many days as I can each week.

Really I’m just in the “I’m bored and ready to be done with this” phase of things. Upside is I’m about 1/3 of the first major-ish milestone of 6 months. And I’m almost through the first 3 months. So at least there’s that… right?

Ohhhh I’m over halfway through the hardest part, I hope… (SRS +49 days)

So, I’m now 7 weeks post op. Fun stuff. Since the necrotic skin has fallen off, I’ve bled just about every time I sit on a toilet. But since it’s only on the toilet, bright red, stops quickly, no blood on pads, etc I’m going with “eh… it’s annoying but NBD.” It’s not really any different than the past 2-3 weeks where it usually would happen once a day or so. Now it’s just most days. Which isn’t exactly fun, but hey it’s better than some other points in the past month and a half.

A weird thing has started to happen though since the necrotic skin fell off. In the last post I talked about how I played with myself a little in the bath even though I shouldn’t? Yeah, well now when I shower before/after dilation and rub soap over it, things feel semi-good. Also this week things haven’t hurt nearly as much at work or sitting as a general rule. Nor have I had as many random shooting pains as I was having the past few weeks. And dilation is getting easier it seems (maybe I’m just so far in it’s nothing new and my mind goes into an auto-pilot mode while doing it). I can get to depth a bit faster than before, and have even increased depth where on the large dilator I can almost hit 18 cm (I was 16 in surgery and 17 when it was measured after packing got removed) most sessions with 17 being doable almost every time with the large. That said, I have a lot of initial pain around the entrance to the vaginal canal and I have to work to open the pelvic floor muscles up to about 8-10 cm. Once I get past that though it’s really easy to get to 15. Then the last 2-3 become rough again where I’m pushing against the end and my body is going “STOP FUCKING SHOVING HARD POINTY THINGS INTO A HEALING WOUND!”

I have found that one thing that really helps with it is to lube the dilator (after working the opening up with fingers) and insert it until you feel a lot of pressure. Then, for me and my body, I push it left, down, and right (i.e. towards the hips on each side and butt). I don’t do the “stirring” motion they teach you at this point as my bed is a bit squishy and it kind of puts me in a V shape. Not that extreme but my vagina is pointing into the bed at like a 25-30 degree angle which, surprisingly, hasn’t hindered dilation. Anyways, after I do that a few times I pull the dilator out and use my hand to redistribute the lube to the tip due to the pelvic muscles acting like a squeegee and pushing it down. Then I re-insert and usually gain a cm or so initially and push a little more. The whole process to get past the floor muscles usually is 10-15 minutes with the medium, or 20-25 minutes with the large (if I skip the medium).

The last few cm this process helps as well where you pull it out, add lube to the tip, re-insert. But once I hit 14-15 cm I’ll start stirring as well as doing the pushing left, right, and down on the dilator. I don’t push up towards my abs because my urethra is that way and it already doesn’t seem to have much between the dilator and bone. Soooo let’s not bleed more, mmmkkkkkkayyyy? Then once depth is hit I might re-lube midway through. Generally I know I need lube by pain levels. Less lube = more pain.

I also will be traveling for work in about a month (actually I’ll hit 3 months post-op on the trip if it happens the week it’s tentatively scheduled for pending construction-y things). I’m likely going to get a bit nervous for that due to checking a bag so I don’t lose my dilators to the TSA. I’ll also have to do some research into that to figure out if it’s “medical equipment” and how to handle that. Upside is I have pre-check so I can get into the faster security line with less people if I were to attempt to go through without checking my bag (which is my preferred way to travel). I’m also slightly nervous to travel as there will be a lot of work that needs done, including a not insignificant amount of lifting. While I think I’ll be okay, there is a concern there. I’ll have a coworker with me but some of the gear is absolutely a team lift kind of thing. Upside is we shouldn’t have to lift stuff *that* much. I hope. I’m also concerned about being on my feet for many hours at a time. Hmmm, now that I’m thinking about this more the more I’m going “yeah… ummm… this might not be the best idea…”

Oh, and a final note for those who have cared/read about the poly/releationship-y things. While I don’t like the situation I’m in, I think and hope after some talks recently things have been turned around. In poly everybody needs to communicate openly, fairly, and feel they can do so safely (i.e. not get attacked for what is said). And that’s not always easy to do. There are also times where there is no middle ground, and one of you will have to capitulate and suck it up if you want it to work. And this has been one of those times for me. There is no “right” way out of the situation my partners and I found ourselves in. So we had to talk through a lot of crap and it involved a “this is how I feel/felt” and trying to understand how my actions/inactions caused an undesirable outcome and why that happened. But, after a few emotional breakdowns, a lot of talking, and us wanting to work to change the less than enjoyable month for all of us into getting back to where we were pre-SRS and a place where we just are happy and loving the relationships we’re in. I hope that a lot of the stress points are now behind us as there were a lot that hit all at once. And it was really trying for our relationship(s). But we’re still together, have made some changes, and things are better than they were.

More blood, depression, and pain (SRS +39 days)

It’s been almost a week since my last update… It’s been a rough week. A really shitty week. I alluded to it in one of my recent posts that some issues were happening with one of my partners and I. Unfortunately that hasn’t gotten better and gotten worse to be totally honest. I am so unhappy with where things are. Tramadol is about the only thing keeping me sane, which is really annoying because it’s not even being used because of pain. Instead I’m using it because I’m ever so slightly happier when I have one or two in my system constantly…

As far as the SRS healing goes, well a few days ago I woke up to go to the bathroom. Ended up pushing for #2 but nothing was coming out. When I wiped I found so much blood. I dilated with the medium only and did more of a static dilation method. I swapped working from home last week from so I could stay home that day. Ended up sleeping another 3-4 hours. Didn’t bleed much the rest of Tuesday outside of some spotting. But through this week off and on I’ve been bleeding in various places and to various extents.

Today I woke up to blood having come from between my majora and minora within that fold at the front. That stopped, but wasn’t exactly thrilling to see. That said, it’s not entirely surprising or “scary” as it’s likely that those stitches are going to start falling out and stuff. I’m about 6 weeks, and it’s okay to start cleaning within that fold after 2 months. Which means I’m only 2 weeks from that point. So we’ll see. I also started taking some salt baths (just standard sea salt) as that is supposed to help with healing. Plus it kind of just feels good. I try to only do it once or twice a week though.

I also stopped using hibiscus soap entirely. I feel that was drying things out down there and was causing issues so I switched to just some standard Oil of Olay body wash to clean the outside. It seems to have helped make it feel less dry on the surface. Stitches have been falling out at a rate of 1-2/day. Oh and in really fun news the necrotic skin up by my clit is going away! It’s still there, and not quite gone but it’s clearly healing and might be gone by the 2 month mark at this rate. I hope so.

After I started this post I took a nap mid way through. During that nap I didn’t really fall asleep but didn’t quite stay awake. That haze before going to actual sleep is where I spent the hour or so laying down. Which gave me time to think. And first up was holy shit sex drive. I got so fucking horny and just wanted a hot dude (or chick) to lay on and “belong” to (not in a BDSM way, in a romantic ‘I’m theirs’ way). I haven’t felt I’ve really had that since I’ve been back, and coupled with my sex drive I really wanted it. I thought about seeing if I could cuddle with the guy in our quad… but realized that would be bad because I’d likely attempt to start things… And also thought about a threesome with him and one of my partners lol. Yup… this sex drive thing is nice… just wish I could fucking do something to satiate it lol. The other thing I kind of thought through was regarding the first paragraph and the relationship that’s been causing me issues. I think I’ve kind of came to a “oh, that’s how to move forward without it ending” solution. It’s not ideal, and not what I wanted at this point but it’s better than any other option I’ve thought of or that’s been put out there.

Sooooo fun week. Hopefully next week is better 🙂