One year ago… (SRS +1 year)

One year ago I was me. But not the me of today. I had relationships. But not those of today. I got ready for work or dates or just hanging out with friends. But not in the same way I do today. I had sex. But not as I do today. The person I was then could never have imagined the world she lives in today. I am somebody who analyzes. Plans. Evaluates options. Thinks critically about every possible scenario, their outcomes, and how to mitigate the risks or negative potential results from those outcomes. I constantly try to take a critical look at myself to figure out how to improve myself. And in all of that analysis, I could never have imagined the world I exist in today. I will forever be grateful to those who helped me get to, and through, SRS which has allowed me to be who I am today. I don’t think I can ever repay them or show them how thankful I am for their support and help through one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

This is a post of reflection. One where I take stock of where I am today, what I’ve learned, how things have healed, and attempting to encapsulate the past year into a post of cumbersome, and imprecise, words. I’ll start with the easy stuff. I had many fears and anxiety going into SRS. I thought of some ways I’d have done differently in retrospect to help avoid as many as I could. Well, I’ve had a year since then to live and experience life now. I can say now that while I understood why I held those fears, they were not ones that ever manifested themselves thankfully. Not to say they were unwarranted or irrational, because they certainly weren’t. There was no way to know where I’d be today, and I’d be lying if I said otherwise. I still have fears. I still have issues. I still have concerns and things i need to work through, but… this is better. It’s worth everything I went through to be where I am today. To those of you reading this blog thinking about SRS and if it’s right for you… I obviously cannot answer that for you. I can tell you that there are so many things that I worried/stressed about that I no longer do. I don’t have to worry about tucking. I don’t have to worry about what I’m wearing (well outside of “is it cute” lol). I can go swimming, jet skiing, to the beach, etc and not worry about it. An immeasurable weight is gone from my daily life. A close friend recently had SRS herself and is very much in the healing process (I’ll likely post a 3rd party account summarizing her experience as she went to a different doc here in the US), but she has found similar to be true already even though she is very much still in the healing process. What about the rest? Well…

Dialating

Dilating is pretty easy anymore. I do it once every 3-4 days and still have depth. It takes me about ~30 minutes if I’m taking my time and doing it while reading a book, or about 20 or so if I’m just trying to get it done. If I attempt to masturbate this is tacked on at the end of the process and usually is about 30 minutes. I’ll talk more about that part in the orgasming section though. I still have a shit ton of lube. I ended up buying what I thought would be a 6 month supply. There are 37 tubes remaining out of the original 180 I bought. I use about a 50/50 mix of the QC lube from Thailand and coconut oil. The mixture really is the best of both worlds and approaches silicone levels of longevity/slickness. The oil keeps it from drying out, while the QC gives it a the water lube level of slickness. After 3 months I highly recommend doing this.

The way I do it is I grab about an oz of coconut oil, and just rub it all around my pussy and in between the labia folds. Then I take another oz and put it on the dilator. From there I squeeze a bit of QC on the dilator (another oz roughly), and slide my hand all over it to mix it. Note, I keep my left hand on the flat side of the dilator where there is no lube to keep my left hand un-lubed and usable. I’m right handed FWIW.

From there I’ll insert the medium one and it can sometimes be uncomfortable (as I’m likely pushing how long I should go between sessions) initially, but then eases up. I get to depth in maybe 2-3 minutes. I use the medium for about 5-10 minutes, then switch to the large using the same method to lube the dilator as before. The large one is pretty mild now. It is a little tight at first, but nothing nearly as bad as dilating was initially. I’ll get to depth with this one in another 2-3 minutes, and hold this one for about 10 minutes.

My mornings used to be wake up at 630 to dilate for 90 minutes to then get ready for work and get to the office a little after 9. Now, I get up at 730-745, get ready, make breakfast, and end up leaving about the same time. Mornings I dilate I’ll get up at like 715 to start and hit the rest of my morning timing without issue (unless I masturbate lol). All in all, it’s pretty minimal in my life anymore. I still have it on my mind at times thinking about when I need to do it next. But doing it twice a week is easy compared to 3x/day.

Aesthetics

It looks like a pussy. Looking from external in it fits well within the range of “normal” vaginas. There are things I’d change of course, but that’s because I’m kinda a perfectionist lol. I’ve thought about looking into a revision since I can get it done for just a flight over and the stay. So what would I change?

  • Inner labia is a bit more pronounced than I’d like
  • See if something can be done to help orgasming
  • See if outer labia can be reduced in size
  • Really just smoothing things out

The scar lines on the outer labia are still there. They are visible if you know what they are. If you’re not aware of what they are though, it just looks like a line that marks different coloration in skin. Which can happen in cis women as well (maybe not as pronounced, but even then it’s not super pronounced and keeps fading over time).

Overall I’m pretty happy with how it looks. One thing I need to work with is to get more comfortable with others seeing it. I am extremely self-conscious and protective of who I share it with. I’m afraid it will “out” me, or will be judged for it. I think that’s the fear. I also want to be very protective of it now that I have it.

Sexual intercourse

Ugh. Sex. I am a very sexual person. I’m involved in various kinky events, and have explored sex with men and women over the past year. I’ve not been sexual with many partners since SRS. Generally because of the prior section where I talk about my reticence around letting just anybody see my vagina or have sex with them. I don’t want sex to just have sex. I want sex that has meaning behind it or, at minimum, looks to be memorable or otherwise enjoyable. But I need more than just a physical connection for it that enjoyment to be had. Some of the partners have simply been just sexual in nature. I don’t regret or wish I hadn’t had that with them at all. Doing that showed me that it’s not really worth it just for the sake of sex.

Perhaps this is a flaw in my thought process or my approach. Maybe I need to accept that the point of sex isn’t orgasming with everybody or every time, but instead to share that physical intimacy with somebody. I can say that just having sex can feel really good. Sex with men is what I’ve always wanted sex with men to be like. I feel like a woman. Instead of just imagining I was one. There is really nothing in it where I see myself in any way other than as a girl having sex with a guy. I enjoy being seen with guys romantically as well. I might not “get off” from it, but the fact the rest of it can happen is pretty incredible in and of itself.

What about with women? Well, there have only been two I’ve been with. One was just a FWB situation. The other is my current gf. In both cases it was more “intimate” than with guys (well… except the guy in NC where sex is very much similar to with my current gf and ex’s). The first girl was older and had a lot of experience with women. There wasn’t an emotional connection there though. With the gf there definitely is. So while I haven’t gotten off with her, I could see it happening with time as there are emotions there already which I expect to develop more over time.

So what’s sex like? Well, non-penetrative sex doesn’t do a ton it would seem. Although fingering my clit and the secondary spot (basically the area between the clit and vaginal opening) are how I get myself off. It needs to be light with plenty of lube though. It’s more about the movement than pressure. I haven’t enjoyed receiving oral much in any of the times I’ve received oral. Part of it is being worried about smell/taste which I don’t think is an issue, but one of the things I’m really self conscious about. But beyond that is it’s usually too much. It is like fingering with too much pressure. I don’t know what would need done differently with oral to make that get me off. I’m sure that’ll get explored with the gf over time though.

In the penetrative sex realm it’s generally enjoyable. Provided enough lube is used and after easing into it as it’s still “tight” (if I dilated more I’m sure that would be better). After that it becomes an emotional thing. If I feel disconnected from the person and thus sex with them, then it’s simply going through the motions. Which feels good, don’t get me wrong. But it’s also not relaxing and what I enjoy about sex. This is largely tied to my own psychology and emotions internally than anything regarding the results themselves.

Sex as an act is physically enjoyable with the parts I now have. My next goal is to get it to be emotionally and mentally enjoyable as well, which it is when it’s with people I have those connections with. Maybe I’ll keep from getting comfortable with it casually. To be determined I suppose.

Orgasming

Meh. This one is depressing for me. I have gotten off from masturbation but never with a partner. I have come (pun intended) close with my gf, as well as with a rope partner who used a hitachi wand on me for about 45 minutes. The hitachi will be another post though talking about sex toys. Unfortunately I have not been able to with another person. Well, save the time with the ex where bleeding ended up ruining it… I’d have cum then. I’ve been close with the current gf as well, but hasn’t happened quite yet.

Since I know for a fact I can cum (albeit not easily) I have tried to suss out what the issue is with other people. I obviously haven’t found the answer yet as I’m still having issues being able to orgasm with a partner. I can say it’s very much a mental game/exercise for me. I think what it ultimately boils down to is trust and being able to emotionally let go and be vulnerable to that other person I’m with. Who knows. This is probably the thing I’m working on hardest in regards to anatomy and post-op “issues” so to speak.

Masturbating on my own is hit or miss. Sometimes I get off, sometimes I can’t. Everytime I’ve gotten off it’s been through reading stories on Literotica or occasionally a fun reddit post in their version of NSFW sexual stories. It’s also been using my fingers with a dilator in me, not from a vibrator. Although I’ve not tried vibrators a ton yet.

Perhaps one issue around it is that I know orgasming releases the chemical oxytocin which has a strong relationship with the feelings of “love” and is referenced as the “love drug” because of this. I am extremely scared of falling in love and getting hurt again like I was last year. That hurt for a long time and still does in many ways. I’m afraid of getting hurt like that again, so shy away from risking “falling” for people. It took the better part of this past year to get back to a healthy mental and emotional place after those ended. I could see this being in part why I can’t “relax” or get “there” mentally with orgasming with partners. But that’s a best guess and would likely need a lot of therapist appointments to figure out if that’s the reason or not.

“Wetness”

Up until this past week I didn’t think I really got wet. Maybe a small bit until I orgasmed. Even the orgasm amount was not much. However, I had a situation happen where I got super wet. Now because of the specifics I don’t know if it was natural wetness or from some kind of physical trauma (it was involving a hitachi). This is very much an unknown.

That said, I need lube. I have started to use Sliquid Organics for sex and found it very good. I’ll use coconut oil with some toys and in some circumstances but keep in mind that it cannot be used with condoms and may present other issues for some people. I will also use a lube injector sometimes so lube is up there already. It helps prolong sex without requiring more lube applications during sex.

There are plenty of other options out there for lube choices, and there are girls who get more wet than I do from what I’ve read on the Facebook Suporn group. So I may or may not be normal, but it’s certainly not a major issue. Keep in mind that many cis women don’t naturally get wet. Here is a link to some Google results for your perusal (didn’t want a single source). I even had a comment posted yesterday on a previous post from a cis woman who doesn’t produce her own lube either. Point is, this is not a problem! If you don’t get wet, get some lube, and have fun. Just make a point to carry it with you. They sell small amounts for exactly this reason.

Hair and hair removal

So while Suporn does remove all hair during the operation, but removes some. He also doesn’t require electrolysis. So, yes I have a hairy vagina if I let it go. I can shave, although that’s super awkward for me. I could go and get it waxed/lasered off, or electrolysis if I want to remove it permanently. I will likely do this down the road, but for the time being it gets shaved if I care. Otherwise it just grows for a bit until it annoys me lol. Just like many other women out there.

I do have hair on the pelvic mound before you get down to the actual vagina itself, then on the outer labia, as well as the fold between outer and inner labias (note, this is the area I dislike the most because I don’t want to nick myself shaving it and it’s really awkward getting to). There isn’t any I’ve found inside the vagina itself, although around the opening there is some.

If you’re not a fan of hair, you’ll probably want to look into waxing or laser post healing. Check out Groupon and such for deals on both as usually it’s not too expensive by me. I can do 6 laser sessions in the brazillian area for ~$250 or so, then get it with a different company for the other 6. I can also do 3 brazillian waxes for about $60 or so that way. Just a matter of what you like and want to do. Smaller areas (i.e. bikini area) are cheaper usually.

Dating

I’ve talked extensively about dating before. I’m still conflicted in many ways how to handle it. However, the way I now handle it is largely a byproduct of my personality. I am one to be pretty direct and up front with that kind of thing and if you’re still interested/around after then you are worth my continued time. If not, no big deal I’ll find somebody who is.

It does create issues, problems, anxiety, and some depression at times. So to help mitigate those I am pretty blase about dates until I get to a point where I think they are worth continuing to talk to, and from there tell them. If they’re still around then I’ll open up more and go from there. This seems to be the best approach for me personally at this point. Will I still do it this way in another year? Or a decade? Who knows, but I’ll figure it out then.

One of the parts that really seems to bother me is that up until I tell people they see me as a woman and depending on the person/scenario want to have sex with me. Then I tell them, and it changes everything. They usually fall into one of two camps. Either the “well I’ve never been with a trans woman, so now I’m curious” or the “I can’t get past you were a guy” (sometimes this also has the bs of them wishing they were better people or know that it shouldn’t matter with it). They rarely say this directly, but things they do say essentially fall into one of those two schools of thoughts.

I get it too. I can see why those two reactions happen. I would like to think I wouldn’t react that way, but if I’m being honest with myself and you the reader (thanks for reading btw!) then I can’t say I’d react differently if I were cis. I’d like to think I would. But I can’t say for certain since I’m not in that situation. If you’re cis and reading this blog though, I’d strongly encourage you to do some introspection to figure out why you’re uncomfortable with it or feel that way. To question what really matters to you in a partner, because I’d be willing to bet that being born with a vagina really doesn’t matter. You just want a partner with a vagina (if you’re into women with vaginas anyways).

For those of you who are pre-op or non-op, don’t go through SRS just to try to make dating/relationships easier. Do it because it’s the right thing for you. SRS isn’t for the feint of heart. It’s an intensive surgery and having gone through it myself then seeing my friend go through it now, I would strongly encourage you to ensure it’s the right thing for you. If it isn’t, then it isn’t. That’s totally fine, and be who you are. Own who you are. You’ll find people who love you for it, so be proud of who you are. Confidence is sexy.

Hormones

I stayed with the same dose (200 mg spiro, 4 mg estrogen, 200 mg progesterone daily) through the past year for the most part. I have not had blood work done since SRS though so I don’t know if this is still appropriate. That said a month or so ago I dropped to 100 mg spiro and have felt better. I’m going to go to the endo in the next month or so to get blood work done to see how this has changed.

Overall thoughts/results

I’d say if 10 was a natal vagina and a 0 was a totally botched procedure that left me with no useful sexual organs at all, I’m generally around a 7 or so in satisfaction of SRS with Suporn. If I figure out some things (like sex/orgasming) and things keep getting better (like scar lines fading/natural lubrication) then it would probably go to an 8 or so. I would absolutely do it again and have no regrets about doing it with Suporn. He did an excellent job and I’d recommend him to anybody else who wants SRS.

SRS and transitioning are not overnight things or a short term goal/process. Both take years to get through. I was extremely fortunate in that I was able to do it quickly, but that also presented its own set of issues that I’m now kinda working through. Either way, you have to work through a lot of stuff. If you go into SRS expecting to be back to normal in a month or two, you’re very mistaken. My friend is looking like she is going to be similar to myself and take 3-4 months to get back to ~80-90% of normal, and 6+ months to get back to 100%. I’d also wager that she will end up going through a lot of self discovery in the next year or two now that she is post-op. She transitioned a few years ago too.

I can say that I feel more comfortable with myself, my body, and the life I lead than I ever did before transition/SRS. There is a lot more to go, but I don’t believe I’ll ever be done working on self improvement. It’s kinda the point of self-improvement after all. This first year has been one hell of a road. It’s been very traumatic for me mentally, emotionally, and physically. I got through it though, and every day is better than the day before it. I’ll run into rough patches in the future as well I know, but some of the internal ones are now behind me. I now meet and date and socialize and interact with people who never knew the person I was. That person is an abstract concept to them. They will never meet that person, and for that I’m thankful. I love who I am today. The body I’m in today. Flaws, imperfections, differences, and all of the other things that make me, well me.

I’ll be doing a reddit AMA on r/AskTransgender if you want to ask questions about my experiences. Thanks for reading and cheers! Time to go celebrate a bit 🙂

Also, as a final note, there are other posts I’m working on as well. I will continue to update this blog over time and may have some guest posts in the future from other people.

Lesbian sex, more kink, and an interesting weekend (SRS +11.5 months)

As with the past few posts… there might be some NSFW or otherwise uncomfortable content in here. Proceed if you’re okay with that. This is the only warning on this post.

A good friend of mine happened to have SRS last week with a different surgeon here in the US. I’ve attempted to get her to do some guest posts here of her experiences to get an idea from another surgeon and another persons perspective on it, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to. I’ll be doing a more in depth post later as I went out to visit her (luckily could schedule a work trip nearby that I had to do anyways) and have been helping her post-SRS. I’ll say this, it’s a really weird feeling to be on the other side of it and know what they are going through and there is nothing you can do about it. I’ll keep this brief as it’s not the point of this post, however it’s something that might provide some insights into another perspective and will be coming in the near future. On to the main point of this post though.

Recently I went to a kink event that was a weekend long hotel takeover. I went with the main group of kinky friends I have. I got my own room with a girl I spent a week in Germany and Amsterdam with (looks like I forgot to type that up, but was around the time of the job interviewing… I also got together with a girl I met in Chonburi as well… it was an… interesting trip) and a girl I met through kink stuff. We got a room right next to some of the friends group I know with a connecting door. I’m going to refer to the the girl from Amsterdam as Red (get it… Amsterdam, red light district, we were there together… I’m so original) moving forward though.

Red and I have started doing rope shibari practice together and going to kink events together, along with non-kink events. I’ve known her for almost a year now (about a month after the quad fell apart last fall). We had one bed in Europe for a week and only had sex one night in Amsterdam, which was really awkward for me and resulted in me having a total emotional breakdown. That was fun. Point here is that her and I have maintained a friendship across varying experiences, and so we were going to this event as friends. On the way down to this hotel takeover we had a few hours of driving to talk. We ended up talking about a wide variety of things about our views on partners, relationships, sex with men vs women (and how rough guys are fingering many times), and many other topics. After getting to the hotel we got into our room and got ready for the first night of the event. She wasn’t entirely sure what to expect having never gone to something like this, but quickly found herself beating a guy with another girl. We kinda did our own thing in many ways, but then went back to the room around 2 AM.

So here’s where the connecting door and adjoining room thing comes back into play, as they were doing a variety of scenes in there when we were all trying to go to sleep. Red and I were in the same bed and cuddling as we’ve done many times before. Nobody in our room was able to sleep though due to the neighboring room, although we had lights out and eyes closed kind of thing. At one point though Red starts making out with me out of the blue. I’m confused, but went with it since we’d had sex before without it affecting our friendship. She ends up going down on me. This is something that I’m pretty uncomfortable with for some reason. It’s almost like I’m shy or ashamed of things, especially with a cis chick as no matter how amazing the results are… It’s still not a natal vagina. It’s a mental thing I’ve yet to figure out. I also haven’t orgasmed from a partner/sex. I came close with my ex once, but since then haven’t even been close. We switched and I went down on her, she got off a few times, then we just basically cuddled after. The room next to us had quieted down and we went to sleep.

The next day were a lot of classes and workshops (yes, kinky people go to classes to learn how to properly tie, beat, choke, cut, degrade, or do whatever it is you’re into in a safe way). After nap and dinner with Red and the other girl we roomed with, we all got ready for the second night play party. Red was more affectionate and wanting to touch/hold hands/etc which had never really happened before like that. I chalked it up to the endorphin high you get at kink events, which was what I attributed sex to the night before to as well. We all did our own thing again, watching some really cool stuff (suspended hogties are crazy intense to watch), I did an intimate scene with a trans girl who flogged me, etc etc. We got to the room and all passed the hell out as we were dead tired. The next morning we all got up, got our stuff together, and headed out. Something felt different with Red and I though.

When we got back to my place we were talking about taking a nap so I invited her in. We did no napping of any kind to say the least. We started in a domme/sub kind of playing situation (she’s the domme one) before getting into the first time I had lesbian sex with a strap on. Yeah… so… that is pretty fucking amazing. I’ve had sex with ex’s using a strap on pre-SRS, but anal and vaginal sex are way different. Vaginal sex is so much more intimate. Perhaps it’s because there is an emotional connection with the person I was having sex with (much like I had with my out of town friend I hung out with a few weeks ago). Perhaps it’s because she’s very attractive. Whatever the reason is, while I didn’t get off it was highly enjoyable. It also was one of those idyllic days where it’s the perfect temp, windows open, post sex tranquility, birds, and cuddling with a person you care for. I could’ve lived in that moment forever.

Red and I both realized that our relationship had changed through this weekend. We moved things past friendship. Unfortunately into what was clouded by a lot of the things that happen post-kink events. It’s common to get super clingy and needy after these events. We both were having that kind of stuff going on and it made detangling our emotions around one another and where Red and I now were in our relationship was going to have to wait so we both could work through things. I was extremely confused by the whole thing emotionally speaking. When her and I first met on like the third date we had the “what are we” conversation and agreed to be just friends. I’d locked it into that realm since that point. Now I’m being told I can let those emotions out?

We texted throughout the next few days, but then got together for dinner to talk about “what now” and where we were with things. It’s funny, I feel like this is a relationship I’ve had forever, but also that has the “new relationships energy” going strong. We had a great evening together, and by the end of it I could definitively say I was no longer single and now have a gf. That’s weird to type. It’s been so long since I’ve had that and I wasn’t looking for it (which is always the case it seems). The next few months already have some stuff going on that is going to likely strain things a bit, none the least of which is we’ll probably not see one another more than once or twice until September due to schedules and various things in our respective lives. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe the entire way things have developed with Red is a good thing. I’ve never gone from friends to romantic partners before. I’m going to have to curtail a lot of the excitement/enjoyment stuff for the limited amount of time I’ll be able to spend with her for the first few months of things together.

One thing I can say is that I’m confident this isn’t going to be a brief relationship. Like if we’re together in a year from now, I won’t be surprised in the least. I might be looking through rose colored glasses but I’m also kinda optimistic about it. Then there is the guy who I spent the weekend with in another state a few weeks back (although unfortunately him and I haven’t been able to talk much since a conversation about a week later where we both said we had feelings for one another and wanted to explore those… stupid life shit getting in the way lol). Oh, and I’ve got a guy I’ve been talking to extensively that I’m exploring things with as well who is local. I don’t know what has happened, why it’s happened, or why these people want to be in romantic relationships with me. I’m really glad that things are where they are. It’s been a little bit since I’ve been this optimistic about life, especially around my romantic future. Pretty cool to think back to a year ago and see where I am today.

BDSM/Kink round 2 – WTF just happened?

Warning: Potential triggers ahead. This post involves me trying to work through some extremely intense emotional, mental, sexual, and physical things that came from a BDSM/Kink event and the intense scenes that happened there. This is the only warning I’m putting up for this post. Also… it is long @ ~4000 words. 

Backstory:

I was recently afforded an opportunity to extend an existing trip to meet back up with the guy from the prior BDSM/Kink entry I did a little while back. I’ve stayed in touch with him since then and let him know potential dates I could make work and we found a week/weekend that worked for both of us (along with his partner). I booked the trip, coordinated with them for the travel aspects, and used the time leading up to this to talk with him about potential scenes, teasing him, and all around enjoying the build up to the time together again.

Now that it’s come and gone I need time to process. My first scene and interactions with him were crazy intense. We have a very natural symbiotic ying/yang thing going on and feed off one another’s energy (as the kink world likes to refer to it). It’s crossed between primal, top/bottom, masochist/sadist, and a few other realms with a bunch of sarcasm, levity at times, followed by very physical interactions. He can dish out pain and I take it while provoking him to do more. This isn’t something I’ve found really ever before in quite this way. Going into the weekend I knew I was going to be in for even more than what happened last time, and couldn’t wait.

We talked about things we wanted to do. Him and his partner arranged a house party around it even, where who knew what entirely would happen as we both enjoy going with the flow. I told him some things I wanted to do. Specifically that I needed a really intense scene because it’s been a while. I wanted the shit beaten out of me, to be degraded, and all around get fucked up (and not in the drunken alcoholic way). This might be foreign to many people, especially if you’re not in the kink realm. I used to have issues with light tapping with a paint stick. Now I’m getting my ass beaten until I can hardly walk and begging for more. It’s weird how that’s changed. Information is elsewhere about that stuff though and why it works.

I had left the outfit I had planned to wear to this party at home though, so I had to find another. I went to Victoria’s Secret and found exactly what I wanted. I sent him a text of the bag saying I got him a surprise. This was the first time in my life I’ve bought lingerie to explicitly surprise a guy in that way. While the gender of the partner was part of it, just going into a store randomly to pick up an outfit just because you know they’ll enjoy it is highly recommended. Now post-SRS I can do that. It’s pretty liberating.

Friday his partner picks me up and we hang out for the next few hours until he gets home. Her and I got along very well and she has some similar things she’s wrestled with in her own life that I can kind of relate to from my own, which was awesome to have that in common. He gets home and we picked up right where we left off on the connection side of things. The three of us went out to dinner and had a great time. We walked around downtown after with my hand around his arm along with his partners on his other arm and I just enjoyed it. I was happy being seen as one of “his girls.” There was an element of  BDSM feeling here on the dom/sub side, along with an element of romantic side, but even though that stuff might not be there today… it felt that it was.

After getting back we all talked and stuff, but then him and I started playing a bit. He started by making me go down on him on the couch for a while before going up to the bedroom where we had sex. While I still didn’t cum from it, holy fuck. Feeling him inside, looking at him while he fucked me, having him doing things to see my reaction… Yeah, I need to find some more sex like that lol. Afterwords we cuddled and talked about some of the things that might happen the next day, along with just talking and connecting/bonding/etc for a while before going to bed.

Saturday we got up, and all hung out for a few while eating breakfast. But there was a lot of work to do to prep for the party later that evening. We spent the day cleaning and getting things ready for that. There was going to be ~20 or so people that were likely going to show up and I knew that he had planned to beat me heavily, but that was about it. He did allude to the potential of doing a scene with him and others as well, or at least we should talk about what that would look like if it were to be a possibility. Somebody had also brought some edibles which I partook in. I mean #Gingersnaps. Like best cookie ever. About an hour later I was definitely high and feeling some anxiety around things that might happen. From here on it’s kind of a blur and this is the point I start needing to work through what happened…

Scene 1

First he brings his toy bag and hands it to me to take upstairs where he set up a flogging bench. I instigated a little by not taking it up right away as I knew he would’ve expected me to do it right away. I instead was talking to people in just lingerie and was definitely getting a lot of attention thrown my direction. I still don’t get this though (introspection topic 1). People see me as hot. They want me. They see me as a desirable woman. I talked with him today about it because he said similar… And I just don’t get it. To think I could go tell that child that prayed to wake up as a girl that one day they would wake up as exactly that makes me just about speechless. It seems incomprehensible to me. Both women and men. This is the first thing I am trying to wrap my head around chronologically at least. Perhaps not as “heavy” as the rest of the things in here, but it is something that weighs on my mind. As we were going upstairs (yeah, he finally noticed I hadn’t taken the bag up #Brat) I realize like the entire party almost is following. The bedroom this takes place in has probably 15 or so people sitting watching what’s about to happen. Remember that edible that seemed to be making me anxious? Yeah… I was on the verge of a mini panic attack (FYI – this is why you don’t kink and drug/alcohol kids… play sober or get run over by emotions and potentially worse). I knew when eating the edible I shouldn’t as I was playing later but I did. This was irresponsible on my part and could’ve seriously ruined the scene with him as I don’t have a ton of experience with being high from weed (edibles or otherwise).

If you read the first BDSM post, people watched during that scene too. But this was different. This was a legitimate audience complete with tiered seating. I have some issues with my pussy being seen still so I asked him to let me leave the thong on which I did. He laid out various toys on the dresser in front of me and let me choose to veto any of them I needed/wanted to. I told him one was going to be a yellow (i.e. proceed with caution) from the start and to be careful with it. Otherwise he was free to do what he wanted. I got tied to the bench with some rope to hold me still a bit as I can take a lot more when I have something to resist against. Holy fuck did he beat me though. He spent 95% of his time on the waist down. Ass, upper legs, lower legs, soles of the feet, etc. This was really intense physically for me, but it was also emotionally intense. At one point I started breaking down because I thought of my ex, and wished she was there with me through it so I could be with her after (introspection topic 2). It also just fired off super intense emotional feelings around a whole slew of things. It was the most intense when he started on my back, which I wanted more of. I don’t know why but that almost instantly fired off a crying emotional response. Quick note here though, for those unfamiliar with BDSM this is quite common for intense scenes and is not a problem provided all parties know how to handle this kind of stuff.

He was in total control of me and my emotional responses. He crafted this narrative and I told him when I first felt emotions hitting that I might have a breakdown and that’s okay, but he should be aware that it might happen. I tried not to make it super obvious to people watching that it was happening (some of them were newer to kink and even though he gave a disclaimer up front that we’ve talked through things and have experience with this stuff that might seem crazy, don’t be alarmed), but they might’ve seen. My emotions were exposed for all to see. People I had never met before. People who might say something to others in the kink realm and make it harder for me to find scenes in the future with people I want to do stuff with. I didn’t care. I needed to let go that night and he provided a safe space to do it in. The problem was that I was basically trying to ramp things up more and more, until eventually he decided to end it at a point and bring it back down. This was the right call by him and while I could’ve taken more and wanted more, he could tell I was basically just artificially doping my psyche and knows how problematic that can be if unchecked.

After a while of beating my legs with canes, paddles, floggers, and a bunch of other things he undid some of the ties. From here he moved into breath play, i.e. choking. He pulled me to sitting up on my legs, then started restricting the blood flow to the brain. If you ever played the “pass out game” or “choking game” as a kid you know what this is like. The difference is it’s with somebody who is an adult and knows how to do it safely, unlike kids. It’s kind of weird in a way how it works though. You’re awake, but then feel yourself drifting off. Until eventually you just go limp. Then you restore blood flow and you come back pretty quick. However, this amplified the high from the edibles and emotions/physical endorphin release from earlier in the scene. I wanted more of that, but he didn’t oblige (rightfully so).

After this we cuddled. Many people told me how awesome it was to watch and thanked me for letting them see it. I was very out of it. Very much in “subspace”/”headspace”. The best way I can describe it is similar to being high, but you’re also kind of delirious. You’re all over the place. I tried my best to respond and talk to people and all, and only hope I didn’t say/do anything stupid. I tried to just keep to myself but that wasn’t on others agenda as they wanted to talk/socialize/etc. Since I was staying in that house I tried to oblige and help be a decent “host”. It wasn’t a problem them talking to me I just was trying to process my own shit around the emotions and internal stuff that was brought out through that scene, and talking didn’t help facilitate that. We relocated for a few to another room.

Interlude/Scene 2 prep:

He brought up the second scene again and that there was interest in doing a style of degradation scene I’ve wanted to do. I’m opting not to go into specifics here beyond that because of a few reasons, but mainly because I want to keep it close. I generally am very open and will talk about anything. Not this. So I’m going to be a little more vague here than perhaps I otherwise would be.

I told him I was game, but there were caveats to that. First off, I didn’t want to see anybody. I wanted to be blindfolded and put my trust in him to control the scene again and ensure I was good. Soon after this part of negotiation-y stuff, it hit me. The emotions. They hit me like a fucking fully loaded freight train going at airplane speeds. I talked to him about it through my tears. As I write this I’m having a mild break down again. It’s not a bad thing. It’s a happy thing. I spent so much of my life wishing, wanting, fantasizing about, watching others do things like this scene (porn or in real life) and here it was. Somebody who I’d met once before put a lot of time and energy into putting together this scene for me. I had asked partners to do things like this for me, and it was never done. Here somebody is that has no obligation to me, putting something like this together. This was really powerful to me. It’s one of the bigger thing that I’ll be processing for a bit. Like people being interested in me, I just don’t get why somebody would do this for me (introspection topic 3).

Then there was the fact that here I am being able to be the person I dreamed of being. In order for this to have been possible the past ~3 years had to happen. If the things in those three years hadn’t happened, this wouldn’t have been possible. SRS was even needed, even though nobody was touching my pussy through this entire scene. I was seen as a woman by these people. None of them, except the two I was staying with, knew I was trans. I talked to him about this and explained why this might be really hard for me and there was no way for me to know how I’d react/respond in this kind of scene. I have literally never done something like it before, and that this thing I’ve wanted and dreamed about for so many years is happening… I knew it was going to be really hard for me but I had to do it. For myself. I couldn’t let myself say no. He helped me get myself back together and then we moved back into the living room where somebody had brought a blindfold like this one that blocked all light.

Scene 2:

He put the mask on, then led me back upstairs to the other bedroom. By the time I took the twenty or so steps to the stairs I was pretty out of it. Sensory deprivation on this level was something totally different than anything I’ve done before. Coupled with the high, the first scene, the emotions from that first scene, the emotions from this one, the breath play, and all the other things going on I got into a really fucked up head space really quick. The world disappeared. I knew I was still in it because I could hear. But I couldn’t see anything. I didn’t know who was where. I could no longer identify voices entirely correct. I lost track of time. Of people. Of who was in the room and who wasn’t. Of where he was. Of where anybody was. Of what was about to come or what to expect. This let me disconnect from reality. My body was being handled by my subconscious. My conscious mind was floating. It was in this black ethereal world. If you’ve ever gone spelunking and they turned off all lights and you sat in silence in a cave tunnel you’ll know how disorienting this is. It’s really rare for humans to have true total darkness and fucks with you when it happens.

I wish I could explain more in depth here but I can’t. I just don’t know how. I don’t know what to say. How to explain it. All I know is this was a scene I’ve wanted, but being in it and reflecting upon it I’m not sure how I feel about it. I certainly don’t regret it. I don’t know what to do with it though. I don’t know if I want to really even put out there I did this scene as while I enjoyed it, I’m not sure I want it really out there at all. I needed to do this for myself, and to experience it now that I finally can (introspection topic 4). 

After the main part of the scene I was led back downstairs and the mask taken off. It took me a while to adjust to the lighting. It was overload for a while. Perhaps one of the most interesting things about this part was the need for human touch/connection/something. If I didn’t have somebody touching me or paying attention to my safety/mental state/etc I’d start to get super anxious, afraid of being alone, and kinda going a little unstable. Coupled with the intensity that I had with this guy, I was wanting to follow him around like a lost puppy dog kind of thing. I just wanted to be clingy as shit. I did my best not to be, and he was perfect through it doing what I needed him to do to bring me down softly.

Immediate aftermath:

I was out of it the rest of the night. I could tell I was off but was just “floaty”. I wasn’t present. I didn’t know what I was talking about. I’d form circular conversations. In many ways it was similar to how I was on morphine drip post SRS where I just told my ex how much I loved her in different ways every time I woke up (or so it seemed and to the best of my knowledge). I was loopy. I bounced around and couldn’t focus on anything. I told the couple I was staying with I would need them to help me get my stuff together for the trip home. To the point I had asked him if he’d just make sure I got on flights I needed to get on because I wasn’t sure I’d be able to handle it on my own. I fly all the time for work so I’m extremely adept at traveling. These scenes messed with me to the point I wasn’t sure I could function getting home. I managed to not need it and got home just fine.

The entire time though I was wrestling with issues around being post-op and post-transition in many ways, and what that means. I’m not sure anybody there “knew”, and I don’t think it was actually mentioned at all honestly. Does that mean I should ease my rule of having to tell people before playing? Does it mean realistically me saying I’m “trans” is pointless for kink partners? I’m now “there”, in other words that second scene basically means I’m living the life I always wanted as up until recently that could never have happened. I really wish I could elaborate more, but I’m having trouble finding the words to describe these feelings.

Then there is the aspect of the relationship with this guy. He’s got a long term partner, and I’d never want to do anything to jeopardize what they have. I respect them both too much to risk putting my emotions out there potentially causing issues for them or create “drama.” What I did see is a guy I could see a relationship with, and what that could look like. Not with him, but with a guy like him. The “trans” thing doesn’t seem to matter at all for him which is hard to find with men or women. This really digs at a deeper issue that I can’t seem to resolve, one which may or may not be related to being trans.

Specifically, I don’t feel I can find people who want to be with me more than for casual scenes. Nobody wants a romantic relationship with me that I’m aware of. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying “poor me” but instead I’m trying to figure out why that seemingly is the case. I know the people I’m looking for are hard to find. Regardless of gender I want to find a relationship with one or more partners where we want to build something together longer term. I want somebody I can love implicitly, who loves me the same way. I want somebody I can either explore kink/BDSM with, or at minimum supports me exploring it. I want somebody who has goals and works towards them. I want somebody with a career. Somebody who doesn’t care about this trans shit of my past. I’ve found one or two people who fit everything I want, but for whatever reason they didn’t feel the same (or otherwise can’t or choose not to pursue a relationship together).

Where does this leave me? Well, I had an amazing weekend with people I care about as friends at minimum. I got to experience a scene I never thought possible. I got reminded there are amazing people out there who do want to put effort into my happiness and helping me to explore this post-transition life I am lucky enough to experience. It has been hard though emotionally and internally. I wish I could’ve honestly recorded my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and my perspective through that party because so much was going through my head that I can’t even begin to remember everything. This post is perhaps the best record of that night since I couldn’t recorded everything I’d have wanted to. I think it did unlock a new door in post-transition life and moving on.

Transitioning at work

I transitioned at work a while back (time flies when you’re having fun as they say lol), but wanted to make an entry talking about my experiences in it. This post is going to go through and talk about my experiences and what I did, as it went really well. There are many reasons for this, but I think a large part of it was tied to the way I handled this. I certainly didn’t do it alone though. I read as many posts as I could by people on Reddit or other blogs I could find. The most influential though was perhaps EntirelyAmelia’s post along with various reading from HRCStonewallSHRM (which is a resource many HR departments use), and reading what public guidelines I could find like Earnest Young’s policy. No single resource was used in the entirety, but as you’ll find out when you get to my letter you’ll see parts that were heavily influenced by these sources. There were others, but I can’t seem to find them again. Before we get to that though, there was a lot to go through.

At that point in time before telling work I would pack two wardrobes on work trips, and go out presenting female if I thought I could get away with it without coworkers noticing. In one case I went to work presenting male, went back to the hotel to change and put on makeup to go to dinner at a nice place presenting female, and then went back to the hotel to change back into the clothes I had on earlier to go into the office to do a change. Still had makeup on though as I was alone in the office for the work I was doing. I started to get flagged in security due to either boobs or anatomy (if I presented female and didn’t tuck well enough) and that prompted me to get my Global Entry done so I could get precheck and avoid the body scanners almost 100% of the time. After that it wasn’t a problem. Back to the topic of this post though. I was leading two lives through this period and it went on for about 4-5 months. Over time it progressively became harder and harder to keep things separate and not accidentally say/do/etc something in the office. Like missing nail polish when I removed it Sunday night after putting it on Friday night.

So around the winter holidays I decided I needed to tell work and stop living two lives. I tried to get a meeting together the week between Christmas and New Years. That didn’t work out, but I knew I’d have to tell them as I was submitting my legal name change at that point in time and my boss would know at minimum due to it having to get updated in HR systems for stuff like payroll. At this point I should probably mention something else I did. I left my previous job earlier that year. One reason was professional development and career growth, but the second one that was going to make me leave no matter what was that I didn’t feel the prior company would be supportive if I transitioned there. So I looked for a new company that was professionally a good step for me, but that also would be a global and ideally publicly traded company as those have the strongest protections out there as a general rule. I found one that was just about ideal for that point in my career.

I submitted my legal name change on one of the last days of the year. I went back to work in January after the holidays knowing that was coming but nervous about talking to HR. I ended up setting up a meeting with them to disclose my intent to transition and start to build the plan to do it. HR said they were supportive and to let them know what I needed. They hadn’t had anybody transition in the company before, although ironically a second person had come to them a few days later doing the same thing. So I provided them the resources I had found regarding how to handle it, but they ended up telling me that I didn’t even need to disclose it outside of my immediate supervisor. I saw this as majorly flawed as a course of action. Showing up one day presenting female is in no way what so ever the right way to do it IMO. That’s how rumors and shit talking behind your back get started. I told them that wouldn’t work and I was going to send an email to the people I work with as I interact with people globally within the company. Furthermore, I felt it was critical to have my boss and ideally the VP of the department aware and on-board as well.

After talking to HR we set a date that coincided with my legal name change. A plan took shape largely influenced by myself where the week before going full time I’d tell my boss on Monday. Wednesday talk to the VP. Friday talk to my team before sending out an email to ~130 people. The next 2-3 weeks were crazy. I scheduled a week long work trip the week before telling my boss which helped as I was busy there and able to kind of distract myself from having anxiety about it. Monday comes and I find out that we are getting lunch with a new hire to my team. That was totally unexpected and while it could’ve thrown a wrench in things, I pressed on with the original plan. It’s one of the benefits of building a plan. You then execute the plan and unless it’s a major issue derailing things, you just keep on track with the original plan. After lunch I told my boss.

My boss is a good guy, but he is not the type you’d really look forward to telling you’re transitioning from male to female. He surprised me though and was supportive. He didn’t understand it (still doesn’t to a large degree I don’t think), but unless you’re trans you kind of can’t. HR wanted to be present for the meeting, which I told them no I wanted to do it one on one. The reason for this was that I wanted to show my boss I trusted him and didn’t need HR there to “document” it. I did trust my boss though. If I hadn’t, then I’d have looked for a new job because their support is something I see as very important. They need to have your back in case of things happening outside of your presence. This is also a similar reason to why I felt I needed to tell the VP up front.

That meeting with the VP my boss and HR were both there for. My boss had told him already, which I was okay with. The VP was totally supportive and went to each manager individually to talk to them one on one in private about it before I sent out the email. I also sent the email to the VP, my boss, and HR to proof read since I would send it to most of the department. I also decided to tell my team before the email blast as I wanted to tell them personally instead of via email. My boss said he’d call a team meeting Friday morning before sending out the email.

This week I was a wreck. Thank god I had the partners I did at the time as they were amazing. They supported me and carried me through helping me to know it would be okay on the other side. Going into Friday was scary as shit. I was so worried about what would happen. How would my team react? How would the department react? How would the people who talked about Caitlyn Jenner was a “dude” and always will be even if “he” “chopped off his dick”, along with a bunch of other anti-trans sentiments, react? Would I go to lunch with coworkers still? Would I be ostracized and become a pariah?

Friday morning came and my partners gave me a hug, kiss, and offered their support. I was shaking all morning before the team meeting. Then an hour before I was sending out the email my boss called a team meeting. We walk in and he goes, “well I called you all in here… but really I’m not sure what to say here. So I’ll just let (dead name) go from here.” It was honestly all he needed to say. From there I nervously started talking. “Thanks. So I asked (boss) to call this meeting because in an hour I’ll be sending an email out but wanted to talk with all of you before hand. I am transgender. Starting Monday I’ll be presenting female at work, and will be getting my name updated in the system to (new legal name). This isn’t something that came out of nowhere, but instead has been a lifelong journey getting to where I am now. Professionally nothing should change, but I can only imagine what it’s like from your view. So I asked (boss) to get a meeting together where you can feel free to speak your mind. I’ll be happy to answer questions in this room, so with that I’ll leave the floor open.” Most of the team was in an awkward silence before saying they thought I was going to say I was quitting. From there I got a lot of congratulations, support, being told they can’t imagine what I must’ve gone through, etc etc. All in all it was pretty good. One person didn’t really say anything in the meeting though, which I’ll get to later. When we left I felt pretty good. I had the support of my team (at least based off that meeting), my boss, the VP, and HR. I also had a coworker send me an IM when I got back to my desk telling me their cousin is trans and transitioned a few years earlier. He was one of the few people in the family that didn’t cut her out of their life apparently. So that was awesome to hear and showed me I had more support than I might’ve otherwise seen.

From there I just re-read that email. I nervously was texting my partners as well as I waited for the time I was going to send it out. When the time came I proof read one last time then clicked send. In that moment I felt instant relief. It didn’t matter how they responded because it was over. From this point forward things were going to happen as they were. I did everything I could to shape the narrative, but ultimately it was out of my control now. That was extremely liberating. A minute or two later I get a guy coming over going “congratulations!” He was super supportive and wanted to talk about various parts of it and just was all around supportive. By the time he left a few minutes later I had 20+ replies from people saying how happy they were for me, offering support, a trans guy IM’ed me telling me how he remembers that day he did that at his last job, etc. The weirdest thing was that almost instantly many of the women befriended me. I wasn’t prepared for that. But they had welcomed me in arms open. All in all, out of ~130 people this email went out to I got over 50 replies that mirrored the initial comments. I was awe struck. Not in my wildest dreams did I expect to have that level of positive reaction to it. I also was complimented by many people on how I articulated and composed the email. I’ll leave that for you to judge for yourself, but here is the email in entirety:

Good morning!

I know this email is a bit long, but this took me a bit to compose this so I hope you take a few minutes to read through it. I’ve attempted to keep this as short as I can.
Since I’ve started here, my physical appearance has changed a lot. It might be obvious to some people about the reason behind these changes, but perhaps not. In either case I’ve done my best to keep my professional life very separated from my personal life. But now I’m at a point where those can no longer be kept separate and that is the reason for this email.
I am transgender. It’s who I’ve always been and will continue to be. Over a year ago I realized I could no longer refuse to accept it, and I knew what that meant. So I started down the path to transition to live my life as the person I am, not who others (or society at large) thinks I should be. Since I started down this journey I haven’t looked back, except to reflect upon how I am not the person I pretended to be, and it’s helped me be to be happier than I’ve ever been.
Perhaps the easiest way to explain what being transgender is would be to say that I identify as a woman, but it’s more than just that. I’ve felt this way my whole life from some of my earliest memories through to today. It’s not simply about clothing, makeup, or any of the physical stuff. It’s also not that I feel “trapped in the wrong body”, but, like many trans people, am simply working to align my mental, emotional, and social lives with one another. I hope you won’t feel awkward or uncomfortable around me moving forward and outside of using a new name, some different pronouns, and a different appearance things don’t need to change much from how things have been.
Starting this Monday (date) I would ask you to start using my new name, (legal name)(or (common name) as most people do), and female pronouns (she/her/hers) moving forward. I’d also ask to please refrain from using my old name and male pronouns when referring to, or interacting, with me. Our systems are being updated to reflect my new name so there won’t be any confusion from seeing disparate names in Outlook, Skype, or elsewhere in our systems. I know there will be an adjustment period and know it will take time to get used to; however I ask for your understanding in this and the importance of using the correct name and pronouns. I won’t take offense to honest mistakes, provided it doesn’t feel intentional or deliberate, but will start to kindly and politely correct incorrect names or pronouns if needed over time. Beyond that I’d only ask that you see and treat me the same as any other woman in the office. I do want to take a minute, just so there isn’t ambiguity or uncertainty, to say that there are some words (e.g. “tranny,” “she-male,” “shim,” “he-she,” “pre-op,” “post-op,” “sex change,” “MTF,” “TGirl,” or “it”) that are completely inappropriate and never okay to use.
There is more to this than I could ever begin to convey in a simple email and I want to keep this as brief as I can. If you have questions please feel free to reach out via email, IM, or stop by my desk. I’ll be happy to answer almost anything to demystify what being trans really is and help to create a greater understanding of what being transgender means. I also have some resources I can link you to if you’re interested that I’ve used to send family and friends when asked. If you would prefer to talk through personal email instead, just let me know and I can give you my personal email instead. It might seem overwhelming, but it’s really not all that complicated. I, like you, am here to do my job to the best of my ability, and plan to continue doing that.
I have greatly enjoyed working with all of you since I started here. I’ve also enjoyed the professional relationships that have developed over that time, and I look forward to continuing to build upon those relationships. I appreciate you taking the time to read through this, and hope you have a good weekend.
Thank you,
(new name)
I didn’t have a single person who used my old name or male pronouns after that email was sent (granted I left soon after that email was sent to work from home). In the time since then I truly have felt that I’m seen as a woman in the office. I’ll get talked over by guys in the room at times, concepts I put forward are rejected but then proposed later and talked about what great ideas they are, and all the other things that women in the office have to deal with now. I’ve experienced a lot of it. To the point that a person in a senior management role told me how they caught themselves checking me out ~2-3 months later. About the only issue I have is people reminding me about how they told me this stuff would happen when I “joined their team.” It’s one reason I look forward to moving on, and talked about in this job post a few months ago.
For the time being, I’m still at the job I transitioned at. Ironically, that post about leaving actually let to one of the things I had hoped would happen if I stayed actually happening. At almost 3000 words though I think I’ll save that for another day.